SUSIE O’BRIEN

There are the same bored im­ports, the same syco­phan­tic speeches and the same te­dious awards for the same un­wor­thy shows. Gotta love TV’s night of nights

The Advertiser - SA Weekend - - UPFRONT - SusieO’Brien

It’s Lo­gies time, so who will win – for weird­est out­fit, big­gest drunk, and most out­ra­geous on­stage swear­ing?

There are not too many na­tional awards nights which pay trib­ute to a key player whose name is a slang word for un­der­wear. That’s the Lo­gies for you. This year TV’s night of nights will show­case the amaz­ing work of the late Reg Grundy, whose name is im­mor­talised in the rhyming slang term for undies – Grundies. To­mor­row night sit back and drink in the awk­ward scripted jokes, ridicu­lous fash­ions and the in­co­her­ent ram­blings of TV hits and has-beens.

Re­mem­ber model Jesinta Franklin (nee Campbell) in that pond-scum green dress that looked like a cheese grater draped over a swimsuit? And the out­fit from Off­spring’s Asher Ked­die, which seemed to have her in­ter­nal or­gans de­picted in delicate yel­low lace? And there’s al­ways the over­seas guests who are well-known enough to be in­vited, cheap enough to be af­ford­able, and des­per­ate enough to say yes. Such guests are renowned for be­ing drunk on stage and fail­ing to show the rev­er­ence pro­duc­ers would pre­fer.

Peo­ple are still talking about co­me­dian Joan Rivers, who re­marked on stage that no one knew who she was and she didn’t know who any­one else was. Rivers, who died in 2014, re­ceived a pink Lo­gie, which she said was the “ugli­est award I’ve ever seen” and then flung it over her shoul­der. “You can get it on eBay to­mor­row,” she said.

An­other over­seas li­a­bil­ity was Mod Squad’s Michael Cole, who was the first man to use the s-word on Australian TV in 1973. He, too, failed to ap­pre­ci­ate the value of his award; he left it in a ho­tel lobby and couldn’t be both­ered go­ing back to get it, even when he sobered up.

Things sure have changed – there are the same bored im­ports, the same syco­phan­tic speeches and the same te­dious awards for the same un­wor­thy shows. But at least now swear­ing is a given; it’s thought Julia Mor­ris’s f-bomb from 2016 was even part of the script.

Oc­ca­sion­ally there are some mo­ments at the Lo­gies that are full of mean­ing and come to de­fine the en­tire evening, such as The Project host Car­rie Bick­more put­ting on a beanie for brain cancer aware­ness. But usu­ally there are no sur­prises, and for most of us the night merely in­volves eat­ing Tim Tams on the couch in our py­ja­mas yelling at the screen be­cause we have to watch some over-rated TV hack feign sur­prise and hu­mil­ity as they ac­cept their award for Most Ex­ploita­tive Dat­ing Show or Most An­noy­ing Quiz Show Host. Most view­ers don’t vote, but still main­tain the right to crit­i­cise each and ev­ery nom­i­nee, award and win­ner. These are the peo­ple who watch the show iron­i­cally, spend­ing more time keep­ing an eye on the mean tweets sent out by sec­on­drate co­me­di­ans not pop­u­lar enough to be at the ac­tual event.

This year there’s a record 27 cat­e­gories, so we need all the ad­di­tional en­ter­tain­ment we can get. Those who do vote are most likely to be pen­sioner TV Week read­ers du­ti­fully cut­ting out their coupons and teenage school­girls who will vote as many times as their in­ter­net server will al­low. This is why the Lo­gies are not so much about who’s best or most pop­u­lar, but who’s got the big­gest pub­lic­ity ma­chine be­hind them. A lack of ac­tual on-screen view­ers seems to be no bar to suc­cess, which is lucky be­cause many of the most feted win­ners are hardly watched by any­one at all.

Last year’s big hit The Project is watched by just half a mil­lion peo­ple na­tion­ally, in­clud­ing just 44,000 in Ade­laide. But the view­ers it does have are very pas­sion­ate, so it’s bound to do well again, es­pe­cially in the Gold Lo­gie cat­e­gory, where two of its hosts are nom­i­nated.

But don’t feel com­pelled to tune in to­mor­row night. I can save you the time.

Delta Goodrem will per­form a power bal­lad. Julia Mor­ris will be funny and pre­tend to muck it up while to­tally nail­ing it. Jessica Marais, Car­rie Bick­more and Asher Ked­die will be praised for their bold but flat­ter­ing fashion. Grant Denyer will get emo­tional. A model/ ac­tor/pre­sen­ter will get drunk. And Kerri-Anne Ken­ner­ley will be in­ducted into the Hall of Fame. There you go. Now you are free to binge watch an il­le­gal stream­ing of the lat­est

Out­lander se­ries on Sun­day night in­stead. Do it wear­ing your Grundies in a trib­ute to big Reg.

Jesinta Franklin, Asher Ked­die and Joan Rivers Pic­tures: Getty/AP

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