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Six of the best sports you can play with­out tak­ing the trou­ble to break into a sweat

The Australian - The Deal - - News - Pho­to­graph by: Nick Cub­bin

Six sports that let you look the coolest with­out even rais­ing a sweat

IN another world ex­clu­sive, The Deal to­day an­nounces the world’s six great­est sports. As you’d ex­pect, our judg­ing panel ruled out su­per­fi­cial­i­ties like the num­ber of peo­ple play­ing or watch­ing and has gone for the sports with the best clothes, the least ef­fort, the small­est cap­i­tal out­lay and the best looks. You see when men and women reach a cer­tain age they reach out for ly­cra, rac­coon-lined parkas, Burberry rid­ing boots or black, lime and yel­low T20 cricket shirts. It helps if you are at a cer­tain in­come level be­cause most mid-life, mid­dle-class fan­tasies don’t come all that cheap. Im­me­di­ately, for ob­vi­ous rea­sons, the judges were able to ig­nore swim­ming, beach vol­ley­ball, box­ing, skat­ing, un­der­wa­ter domi­noes and wrestling (par­tic­u­larly Greco – Ro­man). Here’s our count­down to the top six:

Cy­cling

Now the prob­lem with cy­cling is no mat­ter what gear you are wear­ing you can’t just hob­ble in (bike cleats are a bug­ger to walk on) to tren­doid cy­cle cafes like the Padding­ton Grind or Colling­wood’s All­press Espresso and ex­pect to be part of the scene. No, you need to wheel a bike up out­side. Not just any bike. Buy car­bon fi­bre, it’s lighter to carry from home. A 2014 Gi­ant TCX Ad­vanced 1 Cy­clocross from Mel­bourne’s CBD Cy­cles is un­der $4000 or a Cronus CX Pro from Sydney’s Clarence St Cy­clery will look nearly as good for around $2000. Get­ting to the se­ri­ous bits: If you are a tra­di­tional ur­ban­ite you need to own ei­ther the Castelli Climbers FZ jersey in a sub­tle flouro yel­low and black ($150) or the As­sos SS.Cento in red, black and white for $280. Match with the As­sos lady’s bib short ($263) or the Mavic Red Rock MTB short ($130). Shoes have to be the bright-yel­low Giro Fac­tor road ($300). All from The Bi­cy­cle En­trepreneur in Perth. But to re­ally hit the heights of cy­cling hip­s­ter­dom go Rapha. Cre­ated by Lon­don’s Si­mon Mot­tram 10 years ago, Rapha gear makes you look what It’s All

About the Bike au­thor Rob Penn, calls “bella in sella”, or look­ing good in the sad­dle, even when you are sit­ting on the cof­fee-shop stool. Brad Pitt and Brad Wig­gins wear Rapha, so why don’t you? Just buy the pink or bright blue, long-sleeve Pro Team jersey for $250.

Snow ski­ing

The good part about ski­ing/snow board­ing/ luge/cross coun­try/ ski jump­ing and wok rac­ing is that you don’t have ac­tu­ally go out in the cold or buy any cap­i­tal equip­ment like skis, boards or woks. Just wait un­til 4.30pm, put on your Bogner Me­lana-D jacket, $2500 from lar­ryadler.com, your $200 Tec­nica Sa­vana Moon Boots (still in fashion 44 years on), throw some snow on your Charles Muller knit fur pom pom beanie ($250) and head on up for a few apres ski cock­tails at Thredbo’s Apres Bar or Mount Buller’s Snow Pony. Let’s for­get tra­di­tion. No hot tod­dys or Jager­bombs, go straight to the Snow­balls (Grey Goose Vodka, Kahlua, heavy cream topped with a scoop of foamed milk) or the judges’ per­sonal favourite the Espresso Mar­tini.

Cricket

Many peo­ple, well more than three quar­ters of the world, don’t get cricket. More than three quar­ters of Aus­tralians prob­a­bly don’t get it ei­ther but are too scared to ad­mit it. Cricket’s pop­u­lar­ity has noth­ing to do with balls, bats and wick­ets but the fact that in 1977 Kerry Packer al­lowed colour into the game. Ad­mit it. You’ve al­ways wanted to wear a Mambo loud shirt (Lost Week­end or Je­sus Cy­cle) to Ade­laide’s Mesa Lunga San­gria y Pin­txos Bar but you’ve been too em­bar­rassed. Put on cricket’s equiv­a­lent, the gold, yel­low and starred ODI home shirt ($120) or the very blue Ade­laide Strik­ers men’s shirt for $115 with your name on it and you’re too cool for school.

Horse rid­ing

Polo is too ex­pen­sive. You have to spend at least $35,000 to get a smelly horse that of­ten bites or kicks the hand that feeds it. But look­ing eques­trian is rel­a­tively cheap. Start with the Burberry pol­ished metal buckle rid­ing boots ($1250), slip on the Ralph Lau­ren Blue La­bel Palermo Hud­son twill jodh­purs ($400), the Zara Phillips syn­ergy jacket ($200) and load the Her­mes sad­dle ($10,000) in the back of the Range Rover and no-one at the Yarra Val­ley Polo Club will know the dif­fer­ence.

Mo­tor rac­ing

Steve McQueen, James Dean, Eric Bana, Mark Web­ber, Dan­ica Pa­trick. All the epit­ome of cool. How do you get that look with­out get­ting your hands dirty? You could spend $3500 a race to hire a car or $50,000 to buy some­thing com­pet­i­tive but be­fore you could put pedal to the metal you would be forking out for lessons, li­cences, med­i­cal tests, cloth­ing and dry clean­ing. Given how much you’re sav­ing, far bet­ter to give Racedeal.com’s Nathan Stephens, sup­plier to the stars, $12,000 to fit you out in the best, most ex­pen­sive schmut­ter to make you look like a racer rather than a cheap schmuck. For an air of mys­tery, walk into your next cos­tume party at the Yacht Squadron with your hel­met on. Warn­ing: do not en­ter your bank the same way. Bankers have no hu­mour. Since most F1 driv­ers can only be recog­nised by their hel­met paint you could be mis­taken for any­one. $6000 with­out paint will do it. Price in­cludes a bul­let-proof vi­sor, good for the bank. Cou­ple with the $75 stretch Nomex bala­clava for full ef­fect. Nomex un­der­wear’s small cap­il­lary lines pump a cold-wa­ter so­lu­tion to keep driv­ers cool in the hot cock­pit (sorry couldn’t re­sist it) for $999. Then you’ll need a cus­tomised race suit. Nathan made me a copy of Steve McQueen’s from Le Mans. $3500 gives you Steve cool. Fi­nally, buy a per­ma­nent marker pen for all of those au­to­graphs.

Putt putt

Truly the world’s most un­der­es­ti­mated global sport. Wear the most out­landish clothes you can put to­gether and they will still be sub­tle com­pared to your fel­low mini-golfers. Min­i­mum out­lay, max­i­mum id­iocy. Sports heaven.

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