This may be the last column I write. In fact, it will probably be the last paid work I ever do. I've had a bit of luck. A lot of luck, actually. Seems my reputation as a man to be trusted has got around the traps and I find my new UK email address inundated with requests from people needing to move large sums of money out of various African countries, war zones and bank vaults – for a generous commission. Incredibly, I have also won a number of lotteries and, almost unbelievably, find I am the beneficiary of several extremely wealthy deceased relatives that I didn't know existed.
Just today, the Lottery Department of BMW Automobile informed me I've won $1 million and a new BMW 5 Series Car with options including “AM-FM stereo with single in-dash compact disc player”. I'll get straight on to Mr James Richard B at his official high-security BMW email address ( jamesrichardB @ hotmail.com) and pass on an 11-point list of personal details as soon as I've finished some serious business with the British Government.
According to Lord John Thomas of Cwmgiedd, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales, I've been victim of a scam in Nigeria so ingenious I didn't even know about it. In good faith, the Nigerian Government is going to compensate me $250,000, which is awfully decent of them, as soon as I pass on my personal details to Hon. Minister of Finance, Nigeria (Attention Dr Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala).
Unfortunately the good doctor will have to stand in line until I contact attorney Serena Glee (Ms) to allow her to use my name as next of kin to her deceased client so she can release his $ 22 million estate; and then assist Col. Thomas Collins, commander Special NATO coalition force, to get $16 million worth of captured Taliban gold out of Afghanistan.
And that's not even factoring in telling Beverly ( “girl with hope” ) that I'm already married.