Mike colman

The Courier-Mail - QWeekend - - UPFRONT -

This may be the last col­umn I write. In fact, it will prob­a­bly be the last paid work I ever do. I've had a bit of luck. A lot of luck, ac­tu­ally. Seems my rep­u­ta­tion as a man to be trusted has got around the traps and I find my new UK email ad­dress inun­dated with re­quests from people need­ing to move large sums of money out of var­i­ous African coun­tries, war zones and bank vaults – for a gen­er­ous com­mis­sion. In­cred­i­bly, I have also won a num­ber of lotteries and, al­most un­be­liev­ably, find I am the ben­e­fi­ciary of sev­eral ex­tremely wealthy de­ceased rel­a­tives that I didn't know ex­isted.

Just to­day, the Lot­tery Depart­ment of BMW Au­to­mo­bile in­formed me I've won $1 mil­lion and a new BMW 5 Se­ries Car with op­tions in­clud­ing “AM-FM stereo with sin­gle in-dash com­pact disc player”. I'll get straight on to Mr James Richard B at his of­fi­cial high-se­cu­rity BMW email ad­dress ( james­richardB @ hot­mail.com) and pass on an 11-point list of per­sonal de­tails as soon as I've fin­ished some se­ri­ous busi­ness with the Bri­tish Govern­ment.

Ac­cord­ing to Lord John Thomas of Cwmgiedd, Lord Chief Jus­tice of Eng­land and Wales, I've been vic­tim of a scam in Nigeria so in­ge­nious I didn't even know about it. In good faith, the Nige­rian Govern­ment is go­ing to com­pen­sate me $250,000, which is aw­fully de­cent of them, as soon as I pass on my per­sonal de­tails to Hon. Min­is­ter of Fi­nance, Nigeria (At­ten­tion Dr Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala).

Un­for­tu­nately the good doc­tor will have to stand in line un­til I con­tact at­tor­ney Ser­ena Glee (Ms) to al­low her to use my name as next of kin to her de­ceased client so she can re­lease his $ 22 mil­lion es­tate; and then as­sist Col. Thomas Collins, com­man­der Spe­cial NATO coali­tion force, to get $16 mil­lion worth of cap­tured Tal­iban gold out of Afghanistan.

And that's not even fac­tor­ing in telling Beverly ( “girl with hope” ) that I'm al­ready mar­ried.

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