It works if you work at it

The Courier-Mail - QWeekend - - MAILBOX -

Re “To­gether for­ever?” (Sep 20-21): This ar­ti­cle by Kristina Ols­son was al­to­gether a bit de­press­ing. As a society, have we re­ally re­sorted to pro­mot­ing mean­ing­less, love­less sex with strangers as an op­tion for mar­ried peo­ple to get back some iden­tity and ex­cite­ment? Re­al­is­ti­cally, what sort of reper­cus­sions to fam­ily life and health could even­tu­ate from that lifestyle? Yes, mar­riage and monogamy are hard work, but any­thing worth hav­ing has to be fought for and worked at. A monog­a­mous mar­riage does not have to be “sour, re­sent­ful, bor­ing and sex­less”. Ex­cite­ment with one per­son is pos­si­ble with effort and com­mit­ment. Many be­fore us have proven it.

Peggy Niebling, Beaudesert I am by no means an ex­pert on mar­riage, hav­ing cel­e­brated my one-year an­niver­sary in Au­gust, but my mar­riage has al­ready been tested more than most. The birth of our sec­ond child brought news of un­di­ag­nosed con­gen­i­tal heart de­fects and open-heart surgery at three days old, with more surg­eries to come. On our wed­ding day, we vowed un­der our favourite tree to al­low the other the space to grow into our most beau­ti­ful selves. In­ter­est­ingly, the part of this ar­ti­cle I most re­lated to was the dis­cus­sion about hon­est or dis­hon­est re­la­tion­ships. My hus­band and I ac­tively work on hon­est com­mu­ni­ca­tion ev­ery sin­gle day, es­pe­cially the dif­fi­cult days. Our mar­i­tal, or monog­a­mous, sta­tus is not a fac­tor in our com­mit­ment to hon­esty. No re­la­tion­ship is easy, and each de­serves to be nur­tured in a man­ner that hon­ours the peo­ple in it, what­ever form it takes (monog­a­mous, polyamorous, open, or oth­er­wise). I choose to build an ex­cit­ing, love-filled and spec­tac­u­lar life with my hus­band and our two saplings, ad­ven­tur­ing and grow­ing to­gether. For an ar­ti­cle that ex­plored society’s pre­oc­cu­pa­tion with moral­ity, it came across as aw­fully judge­men­tal. How­ever, thank you, Qweek­end, for an­other thought-pro­vok­ing ar­ti­cle – I al­ways adore the read!

Jes­sica Cook, Toowoomba I have a real prob­lem with the com­ments made by [au­thor and cou­ples ther­a­pist] Es­ther Perel and oth­ers re­gard­ing monogamy in mar­riage. They make a mock­ery of what mar­riage is all about. Mar­riage vows are to love, hon­our and be faith­ful to one per­son. When you marry, you are no longer only a part­ner but a hus­band/wife. Of course peo­ple change with the pass­ing years, but it is pos­si­ble to change to­gether and not apart. Long mar­riages can and do sur­vive. It is not al­ways easy but, if you can­not com­mit to and re­spect the other per­son, why marry? If you wish to sleep around and have sex with whomever you fancy, then stay sin­gle.

Ma­ree Smith, Joyner When there is true love and de­sire in any re­la­tion­ship, there will al­ways be pas­sion, there­fore, want­ing to be with that per­son al­ways. A truly lov­ing part­ner will al­ways be aware of his or her part­ner’s de­sires, thus the sex­ual union will be to­tally ful­fill­ing and no de­sire or crav­ing for any­thing else. When we have at­tracted our soul mate, this will be the ex­pe­ri­ence.

June Archer, Lai­d­ley Why is monogamy so hard? The short an­swer is “mar­riage is only so hard” when we re­place “we” with “me”. Mar­riage is a part­ner­ship; it re­quires team spirit, love that cares, loy­alty, com­mit­ment and faith­ful­ness. No team lasts long when the play­ers seek their own self-in­ter­ests with lit­tle re­gard for the ef­fect on oth­ers.

Joyce Knights, In­dooroop­illy Are we be­com­ing a society only con­cerned about our own self­grat­i­fi­ca­tion? No wonder cases of syphilis are on the rise. What sort of mes­sage does this send to fu­ture gen­er­a­tions? I be­lieve in love, re­spect and, yes, com­mit­ment. Mar­riage, as is life, can be bor­ing at times, but how can hav­ing other part­ners for sex­ual re­lease dur­ing mar­riage to “ful­fil” your­self be of ben­e­fit to the mar­riage? Why marry? Go get a hobby in­stead, some­thing that doesn’t play Rus­sian roulette with peo­ple’s lives.

Kathy Carter, New Beith

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