Made to orders
TOP-SECRET document obtained by The New York Post lifts the lid on Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest character, Wadiyan leader General Aladeen, ahead of the release of his new comedy, The Dictator.
Official title: His Excellency, General Colonel Doctor Aladeen, Democratic President-for-life, Invincible and All-triumphant Commander, Chief Ophthalmologist, Brilliant Genius of Humanity, Excellent Swimmer Including Butterfly, and Beloved Oppressor and Ruthless Protector of the Precious and Expendable People of Wadiya.
Birthday: Today! The General commands: ‘‘Just send presents. When choosing gifts, remember: It’s the price that counts.’’
Age: 30, though looks much older. He claims, ‘‘Any photos you may have seen of Aladeen as a child in the mid-’70s, including a great one of him at the premiere of Saturday Night Fever, were doctored by the corrupt Zionist Western media.’’ Catchphrase: ‘‘Death to the West!’’ Rise to power: When Aladeen was just a child, his father Omar died in a tragic hunting accident when he was hit by 97 stray bullets and a stray grenade. Aladeen succeeded.
Education: Even though he was born with all the world’s knowledge inside his head, he went on to earn 118 doctoral degrees from various universities, including Northwest Aladeen State.
Latest scandal: Walking the red carpet at this year’s Oscars, Aladeen accidentally dumped the ashes of North Korean strongman (and Aladeen’s tennis doubles partner) Kim Jong-il on Ryan Seacrest. Aladeen later joked that it was not the first Asian guy to end up all over Seacrest’s chest.
Assassination attempts: Two, one by poisoned milkshake, another by exploding camel.
Bodyguards: A ruthless crew of 25 female virgin women, whose virginity he checks every night.
Favourite celebrity: Mel Gibson, who heads Wadiya’s Department of Race Relations and is on the board of the Museum of Intolerance.
Advice for other leaders: ‘‘When you pay for hookers, don’t use the government credit card. Always cash. I know it’s tempting to put it on the credit card for the air miles, but you have to do what’s right. What I did to Rihanna could have flown me around the world 10 times first-class.’’
Hobbies: In addition to being Wadiya’s head, he is also the country’s No.1 drive-time DJ. He also hosts, judges and competes in Wadiya’s Next Top Model, which he has won 14 years running.
Favourite films: When Harry Kidnapped Sally and You’ve Got Mailbomb.
Notable scientific contributions: His official bio claims he created the swine flu vaccine and discovered aerosol cheese.
opens on Wednesday.
Sacha Baron Cohen in