In Light of Recent Events
For pure entertainment, nothing beats looking at the miserable faces of sports players after they’ve lost a match. Give me the crushed, vacant expressions of the vanquished over the victors’ sickly sweet grins any time. It’s not because I like people to lose, per se. Rather, I’m mesmerised by the drama of how the losing is expressed, how the face seems to catastrophically implode when enthusiasm and strength are suddenly sucked out of it. This month, Australia will witness scenes of unbridled joy and celebration when one side of the same-sex marriage survey wins. But I reckon there’s no harm in everyone getting reacquainted with what it’s like to lose, just in case. To that end, here is my Five Stages of Defeat After Believing You Were a Shoo-in – an illustrated guide for losers to use on their journey into darkness, and for winners to refer to as they delight in unadulterated schadenfreude.
“Remain” campaigners mooch about after losing the Brexit vote. STAGE 3 “I feel sick. No, really, I feel like I’m going to vomit.” Roger Federer bawls his eyes out after being beaten by Rafael Nadal in the 2009 Australian Open men’s final. Bill Murray does really good “sad face” after his beloved Xavier Musketeers basketball team goes down 66–63 to Wisconsin. The Wallabies suck it up big time after losing to Scotland ( Scotland! ) in Sydney in June. STAGE 4 “This changes everything. Everything is a lie. My parents, the media and my dog all lied to me. I can’t feel my face.” Losing Scottish independence campaigners console each other after their defeat in 2014. STAGE 5 “Let me sit here a while and make myself into a tiny ball. A teensy tiny little speck, in the corner of this hole, at the bottom of the garden, safe from the mean people. Please, if you don’t mind, take that spade and blanket me in that truthful, righteous earth.” A Clinton supporter is crushed, fearful, after Trump surprises everyone by winning the 2016 US presidential election. STAGE 2 “Please, God. If you exist, tell me this is not happening.” STAGE 1 “Hang on, weren’t we just winning?”