Politicians go careering off in new ventures
WITH all the likely changes to Federal Parliament’s population of strange creatures, we decided to put on a jobs market. Each pollie will step to the mic to tell you what they offer.
First, the bit I love. I’m Anna Bligh, a very successful former politician – you must remember my wonderful time as Queensland Premier. I do. In that time I found if you can sell crazy ideas and crappy party members and vice versa to voters, you can sell anything. These days I’m CEO of the Australian Bankers’ Association. After all, there’s only one thing more odious than an Aussie pollie and that’s a bank.
So I’ve brought my many talents to help these suckers get work using their own special skills. Take it away Mr Bernardi.
Hi, need a hand with fundraising? Contact Cory’s Contrary Cashboosters. We specialise in tweets that turn campaigns around. We’re social media experts. Just ask the Adelaide schoolkids partnering with the Do it in a Dress folk. They wanted to raise $900 for kids in Africa who had no access to education. I gave them a boost by tweeting some Trump-like stuff and next thing they’ve raised $200,000 with one Cory tweet. Just imagine what such a campaign can do for you. Next is Malcolm Roberts:
Hi, I’m running memory courses. My memory used to be so bad that I couldn’t even remember how many countries I was a citizen of, let alone their names. But now, I know where I come from – Total Confusion. Yes, it is a real place. Now what was I here for?
Malcolm, you forgot to introduce me, the great Bronnie. I’m offering my famous Two for One course – How to keep your snout in the trough while thumbing your nose at the public. It includes free helicopter transits from your home to the conference centre.
And I’m Larissa Waters. I do displays of perfectly reasonable behaviour that’s out of fashion and guaranteed to affront anyone who’s even more out of fashion. I do feminism, environment, honesty, responsibility. And I’m big on nurture. Any time you need a political statement or some old fogeys given a heart attack, text me and I’ll be there in a flash – and breastfeeding.
Mark Latham here from Volcanic Vitriol. Mount Agung’s got nothing on me. I say what everyone else is thinking – well, the people who will still sit down and eat a meal and down some drinks with me. Both of them.
Paul Keating here from High and Mighty Consulting. I teach the creative use of scorn in politics, life and everything else. My key course is on why everyone should be more like me. Not that any of you swill could approach that ideal. And here’s Barnaby:
Thanks Paul, I’m here to help everyone with planning. First off, get rid of it. Knee jerks beat thoughts. Takes me two seconds to make a smart decision. Just look at moving the APVMA to my electorate with instant office accommodation at Maccas. Another way I show initiative is as soon as the wheels on Malcolm’s plane leave the tarmac on his way out of the country you’ll find me in there making decisions, announcements and more. I get things really flying – usually when it all hits the fan.
And it’s Julia wrapping up. I’m here to help others because after a life in politics you can redeem yourself with a life of community service. I’m at Beyondblue and beyond politics. And I don’t get any knives stuck in me. And that’s a ruddy relief.
I get things really flying – usually when it hits the fan.
Pollie Tickled is a satirical column.
Welcome to the stage, former (and some current) pollies, who tell us how they are recycling their skills.