The Sunday Mail (Queensland)

MICHELLE COLLINS

- Joke of the week wins a gift to the value of $10. Send en­tries to Good Mail, GPO Box 130, Bris­bane 4001; fax to 3666 6787; or email michelle.collins@news.com.au

We’ve heard this story from a re­li­able source. Bloke in his 90s re­cently found him­self locked in the loo. He shouted out to a neigh­bour who then called the po­lice who came to his res­cue. Cop­pers went back to check on him a few days later and he proudly steered them to the dunny where he an­nounced he’d taken steps to make sure he would never be as help­less again. They ex­pected to see he had taken the door off or at least dis­abled the lock. No. There be­side the porce­lain was a bot­tle of wa­ter and two tins of baked beans. Rochedale South reader tells us he heard a ra­dio weather re­port last Sun­day which re­vealed that the weather was “warm­ing up” be­cause “the sun was out”. Most child­care cen­tres re­quire par­ents to sign an in­ci­dent re­port if there has been a mishap in­volv­ing their child dur­ing the day – re­gard­less of whether their off­spring was the vic­tim or the per­pe­tra­tor. One Sun­shine Coast mum re­cently had to sign two in one day – one for her daugh­ter who had pushed over another child, and the sec­ond for her son, who was the kid on the re­ceiv­ing end. Far north cor­re­spon­dent has found hid­den in the back of a book­case a copy of Devil’s Dic­tionary, a satir­i­cal dic­tionary writ­ten by Amer­i­can jour­nal­ist and au­thor Am­brose Bierce. He par­tic­u­larly liked the def­i­ni­tion of karate. “A form of self de­fence where men and women spend many years learn­ing to use their hands and feet to make the worst movies ever seen.” Any­one who has ever been stuck in a round in a pub knows you end up drink­ing more be­cause it seems rude to leave be­fore it’s your turn to buy. But now a re­searcher from the Grif­fith Busi­ness School has found drink­ing in rounds sig­nif­i­cantly speeds up the rate of con­sump­tion, as does drink­ing through a straw. Just some trivia abut the up­com­ing sea­son of Baz Luhrmann’s stage show Strictly Ball­room. The cast go through five litres of spray tan each week, there are 745m of coloured ostrich feather used in the show and 208,800 dia­man­tés on the stage. We’ve all seen those warn­ings on pack­ets of fish fin­gers: Con­tains fish. But one reader tells us her frozen salmon fil­lets had a con­tents list that read: At­lantic salmon, con­tains fish. Who needs an ex­cuse. Sign out­side Bowen Hills cof­fee shop read: “I eat cake be­cause it’s some­one’s birth­day some­where.” We love com­pa­nies with a sense of hu­mour, Bris­bane rub­bish re­moval busi­ness ad­ver­tises that “sat­is­fac­tion guar­an­teed or twice your rub­bish back!” De­cep­tion Bay lady tells us that her bath­room scales were start­ing to look a bit worn so she treated her­self to a new set. When she tried them though the new scales weighed an ex­tra 3kg. Need­less to say they went back in the box and she is stick­ing with her old ones. JOKE OF THE WEEK Two psy­chother­a­pists pass each other in the hall­way. The first says to the sec­ond: “Hello!” The sec­ond smiles back ner­vously and half nods his head. When he is com­fort­ably out of earshot, the first psy­chol­o­gist mum­bles, “God, I won­der what that was all about?”

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