An­gela Mol­lard No more Sex please – we’re over it

The Sunday Mail (Queensland) - - NEWS -

Thank you Kim Cat­trall. Hon­estly, thank you from the bot­tom of my jaded heart for kick­ing Sex and the City into touch. Some­one had to do it and your sin­gu­lar re­fusal to re­heat your nympho­ma­niac al­ter-ego Samantha is a gift to us all.

Your co-stars were ap­par­ently up for a third movie but in an un­prece­dented dis­play of in­sight only you could see that another crack at the fran­chise would be as ap­peal­ing as a mi­crowaved meat pie.

It may well be that they weren’t pre­pared to pay you enough, but never mind the de­tail.

You’ve skew­ered the idea once and for all, sav­ing us from another serv­ing of the most ex­e­crable, con­trived, self­ind­ul­gent and un­funny cin­ema since, well, any­thing by Adam Sandler.

Darl, I know you’re cross with Sarah Jes­sica Parker for mak­ing you look like a de­mand­ing diva (I’d have got the shits back when she stole all the best clothes and left you with the ugly power suits).

But lest you doubt your de­ci­sion here’s 10 rea­sons why none of us need any more Sex and the City.

1. The sec­ond movie was ap­palling. Set in Abu Dhabi for rea­sons no one could fathom, Car­rie, Samantha, Mi­randa and Char­lotte came across as lobotomised call girls.

What with the hi­jab hi­jinks, the non­sense of Stan­ford mar­ry­ing An­thony (they hated each other), and lines such as Samantha’s “He’s Lawrence of my labia”, it was clear that at the very least “Sex” needed the city, not some lu­di­crous sand­scape com­plete with desert ex­tras.

2. In 2017 women have worked out that own­ing $40,000 worth of shoes but be­ing un­able to pay your rent is not quirky and en­dear­ing but ut­terly fool­hardy. In an era when Marie Kondo has prompted us to de­clut­ter ev­ery cup­board and ex­posed sur­face, Car­rie hav­ing an or­gasm over a walkin-wardrobe looks as last cen­tury as Joan Collins’s hair.

3. Find­ing a man is not the life goal of mod­ern women.

Be­ing bril­liant at work, earn­ing enough money to sup­port your­self, stay­ing healthy and drink­ing in ad­ven­tures rather than cock­tails are the pre­oc­cu­pa­tions of a new gen­er­a­tion.

What’s more, no self-re­spect­ing woman would date a man for years with­out know­ing his real name (see Mr Big aka John).

4. Car­rie et al would all be 50-plus by now. If you haven’t found con­tent­ment by the time you en­ter your sixth decade then you’re the prob­lem, not life.

5. Long brunches are to new moth­ers what golf­ing is to new dads: not pos­si­ble. Mi­randa and Char­lotte made a valiant at­tempt to feign in­ter­est in sin­gle-girl life post chil­dren but you could see that what they re­ally wanted was a cup of tea and a lie down. By them­selves.

By now their sprogs would be teens. Acne, door-slam­ming and wet dreams don’t fit the SATC brand. Although Samantha get­ting off with Mi­randa’s son Brady – now 17? – might make a The Grad­u­ate- style spin-off.

6. Ac­cord­ing to an ar­ti­cle in The Times this week, scrunchies are back in fash­ion. Which would mean to be gen­uinely fash­ion for­ward Car­rie would have to wear one.

If you re­mem­ber she spent the best part of an episode in sea­son six declar­ing that no woman would be caught dead in New York wear­ing a scrunchie. Awk­ward.

7. The char­ac­ters would have to get new jobs even though we barely saw them do­ing a day’s work.

So­cial me­dia means no one needs a PR like Samantha, col­umn writ­ers such as Car­rie can’t sur­vive on bash- ing out one ar­ti­cle a week (trust me, I know) and Char­lotte’s gallery as­sis­tant job was only ever fea­si­ble for pretty girls with rich dad­dies.

Even Mi­randa’s law ca­reer would be ques­tion­able with US grad­u­ates su­ing their law schools for mis­lead­ing them about post­grad­u­ate job avail­abil­ity.

If SATC 3 had got off the ground they’d all have to be “in­flu­encers”. Yawn.

8. New York may be one of the world’s coolest cities but what with Trump, the lack of gun laws, weekly mas­sacres, a trig­ger-happy po­lice force and the ne­glect of Puerto Rico, Amer­ica is look­ing about as de­sir­able as a day-old bagel right now.

Ber­lin, Reyk­javik and Tokyo is where it’s at but SATC does not have great form with go­ing on the road (see point 1).

9. Mi­randa was the most au­then­tic char­ac­ter and if the se­ries was set in 2017 she would be the pro­tag­o­nist rather than try-hard, self­serv­ing Car­rie. As Har­ling Ross on Man Re­peller has pointed out: “Car­rie is the equiv­a­lent of an over edited In­sta­gram. She is the idea of a per­son.

“A snap­shot. A frag­ment. Mi­randa’s au­then­tic­ity is rad­i­cal in com­par­i­son, and far bet­ter suited to our present-day hunger for ‘re­al­ness’.” Trou­ble is red­heads don’t rate.

10. No one cares about sex any more. Like plas­tic in the ocean, the world is awash with it. What we want is mind­ful­ness, de­cency and mean­ing. Sadly, Sense in the City doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. an­ge­lam­ol­

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