Cup date turns into Elle of a bad time

Aus­tralians sure know how to take the mickey, and The Body copped it on her re­cent re­turn

The Sunday Mail (Queensland) - - OPINION - Twit­ter and Face­book: @hel­lo­jamesweir James Weir is a se­nior re­porter at JAMES WEIR

OVER the course of one week, Aus­tralia has taken it upon it­self to knock Elle Macpher­son down a notch and make her regret re­turn­ing home. It has been decades since Elle has lived in Aus­tralia. Right now, she spends her time in Mi­ami in­vent­ing weird green smoothie pow­der and sell­ing it in fancy jars. I’m to­tally not de­tract­ing from her suc­cess with that de­scrip­tion. I’d con­sume any­thing Elle sold in a fancy jar in the hope it would make me look like her and some­how al­low me to pull off a cow­boy hat on the beach.

We love Elle. We’re extremely happy for her suc­cess. But for some rea­son, we couldn’t help but slap her down when she came home for the Mel­bourne Cup last week.

It’s like when you move away for uni and then you come home for Christ­mas and your grandma takes it upon her­self to re­lent­lessly crit­i­cise ev­ery­thing about you – from your out­fits to your new fringe.

Aus­tralians are a pack of judgy grand­mas. And Elle ab­so­lutely re­grets com­ing home to visit us. She was in the coun­try for about a week and we all en­sured the ex­pe­ri­ence was as un­pleas­ant as pos­si­ble for her.

From the mo­ment she touched down in Mel­bourne, we were wait­ing at the bag­gage carousel to crit­i­cise the way she moved her hips when she walked through the ar­rivals lounge.

Then we no­ticed she was wear­ing an all-white en­sem­ble and we la­belled it an ab­surd out­fit to wear on a long­haul flight. I can’t wear an all-white out­fit on land with­out spilling on it, let alone in the air for 26 hours. And when Elle ca­su­ally re­vealed that she doesn’t eat on flights, we got all up in arms be­cause what kind of nutjob catches a flight with­out eat­ing one of those tiny cans of Pringles?

Elle’s dress­ing down didn’t stop all week.

At Derby Day she rocked up to the exclusive Bird­cage wear­ing a very ex­pen­sive white dress. As we drunk­enly rolled around on the grass in the gen­eral pub­lic area wear­ing Port­mans and Taro­cash out­fits, we yelled out that her dress looked like the sar­to­rial ver­sion of a mul­let.

The trolling con­tin­ued days later when she flew into Syd­ney and made her driver stop by a florist in Sans Souci to pick up a bunch of flowers. As she was walk­ing back to the car, she some­how tripped and stacked it in the gut­ter. To be hon­est, even she has to think this was hi­lar­i­ous be­cause walk­ing is lit­er­ally her job.

The in­ci­dent was a to­tal night­mare and she has prob­a­bly been re­play­ing the mo­ment in her head over and over. Any­one would be hu­mil­i­ated, it was quite the tum­ble.

Still, we of­fered no sym­pa­thy. In­stead of won­der­ing if she was OK, we all laughed at her, even though slumped-in-a-gut­ter-out­side-a-florist-in-Sans-Souci Elle Macpher­son is still more glamorous than any of us.

Aus­tralians don’t let you for­get your mis­takes. And just when Elle thought she was back on top, she got torn down again.

Ar­riv­ing at Bondi Ice­bergs on Thurs­day for a prod­uct launch, she looked d glamorous and made it t through the whole event t un­scathed. Al­most.

As she was leav­ing, she e ap­proached her wait­ing car as hordes of fans watched on. Flash­backs from the e Sans Souci gut­ter stack k flooded her mind as she opened the door and ne­go­ti­ated the kerb.

“Re­lax, ev­ery­one’s for­got­ten about it,” she whis­pered to her­self. But we cer­tainly y had not. “No fall­ing to­day!” so some ran­dom yelled at her, a al­most caus­ing her to colla lapse in the gut­ter again. The lady can’t catch a b break, and she’s not the o only one. It’s a cer­tain kind o of celebrity who we do this to to. Kylie Minogue (pictu tured left) dodges this tr treat­ment be­cause she lets us re­pla re­play f footage of her look­ing like a bo­gan on Neigh­bours, and she just laughs along. Same with Ni­cole Kid­man n when we bring up how bad d her hair was in the ’80s. Kylie e and Ni­cole let us do this and we think they’re won­der­ful for it. It’s the kind of celebri­ties s who try to dis­tance them- selves slightly from their r past who we take aim at. For a long time Melissa G Ge­orge orge (pic­tured right) dis­liked com­ing home be­cause she hated that we kept ask­ing her about Home And Away and mak­ing fun of that time she said she would rather be shar­ing an espresso with her french bull­dog. I’m para­phras­ing the quote but that’s ba­si­cally it. For years Tina Arena was run­ning around Paris in a beret and avoid­ing com­ing home. But there’s only so many times you can do a duet with Andrea Bo­celli, and now she pre­tends like she’s per­fectly happy be­ing back home play­ing Madonna in Evita: The Mu­si­cal. So Elle’s in good com­pany. And we en­sured that she was tor­tured right un­til her fi­nal hours in the coun­try. On her last day in Syd­ney on Fri­day, we all ran down to Bondi as she was w try­ing to go for a re­lax­ing la bike ride, and we pro­ceeded p to be­rate her for fo not wear­ing a hel­met. “That’s “T a $330 fine!” we yelled y at her down Campbell b Pa­rade. For what pur­pose? p We don’t even know any­more. But that doesn’t mat­ter. Your grandma doesn’t d need a rea­son to crit­i­cise your fringe.

We love Elle. We’re extremely happy for her suc­cess. But we couldn’t help but slap her down

Pic­ture: Ni­cole Garm­ston

ALL WHITE: Elle Macpher­son breezes into Mel­bourne Air­port, hun­gry but free of food stains.

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