Saman­tha Army­tage

The Sunday Telegraph (Sydney) - Stellar - - Contents -

re­veals her 12-step plan for an insanity-free fes­tive sea­son.

As I ma­ture, I’ve ac­quired a greater ap­pre­ci­a­tion for three things in life: oys­ters, cof­fee and Kate Mc­cal­lis­ter. Re­mem­ber the mother from Home Alone? She ban­ished Kevin to the at­tic the night be­fore their Christ­mas va­ca­tion in Paris, and then her com­pletely over­worked, fraz­zled, fes­tive brain to­tally for­got him.

Right now, I’m feel­ing de­cid­edly Ma­caulay Culkin-ish, and I don’t mean the cute eight-year-old ver­sion. I’m the one circa 2012: 2: my face is tired and drawn, my hair ir di­shev­elled and I can’t put to­gether gether a de­cent out­fit. This is not the af­ter­math of a drug ad­dic­tion ction (I’m too at­tached to sleep eep for one of those), it’s be­cause ause I’m try­ing to or­gan­ise nise Christ­mas at my place.

It’s the time e of year when you’re sup­posed up­posed to be joy­ful and d grate­ful and all I want to do is punch ev­ery­one ne in the face. I am men­tally ntally ar­rang­ing bod­ies ies in my house. No, not Charles Man­son-style, I haven’t killed any­one (yet). yet). I’m try­ing to work out where the mul­ti­tudes s will sleep.

I’m try­ing to o plan what we will eat and d when I’ll have time to visit Woolies. I’m try­ing to think of a colour lour scheme for the tree/ta­ble that will be ig­nored by my male rel­a­tives and ad­mired for its ge­nius by the wom­en­folk. I’m won­der­ing when I’ll blow up the in­flat­able Santa, hang 30,000 fairy lights and weld to­gether that $12 LED so­lar-pow­ered rein­deer. Be­cause I LOVE CHRIST­MAS, GOD DAMMIT! And yes, I’m bring­ing this on my­self, be­cause my name is Saman­tha Army­tage and I am an over-achiever. So, here’s my 12-step plan to san­ity this Christ­mas if, lik like me, you hover be­tween Martha Ste Ste­wart and Kim Jong- Jong-un un on the Rich Richter scale. 1. Re­mem­ber, un­like un you, Santa on­ly­works only works one day a year. He judges you fro from afar the other 364. No-on No-one likes a lazy, fault-fifind­ing fault-find­ing ba bas­tard. 2. Lower your ex­pec­ta­tions. Taxis will not tu turn up. Ubers will con­stantly be at surge prices. Peo­plewill Peo­ple will be vile. The traf­fic will be foul. 3. Learn to de­leg del­e­gate. Pick all the jobs you re­ally h hate... and get your­mother your mother to d do them. Ma­nip­u­late her by t telling her how hard youwork you work all year. 4. DO NOT spend time on ex­ces­sive self-re­flec self-re­flec­tion. Your mis­takes this year arem are made. Move on. Look for­ward to mak­ing more on NYE. 5. It’s “all about the kids” k but I sus­pect most re­alise the th elves are not slav­ing away at Ap­ple HQ all year round, and are play­ing along be­cause “if you don’t be­lieve, you don’t re­ceive”.

6. Al­ways keep a stock­pile of bat­ter­ies in the cup­board, the size of which Elon Musk would be proud.

7. Aus­tralia has flies. A hot ham on a 35oc day will at­tract lots of them. Do not have a tantrum when said flies turn up and drive you bonkers.

8. Lit­tle kids and drunk peo­ple tell the truth. If you don’t want to of­fend any­one, gag the chil­dren.

9. Re­alise that the sib­ling who lives over­seas will swan in and be the favourite for a fort­night, even though he/she makes ab­so­lutely no ef­fort with your par­ents the rest of the year.

10. Know that the trin­kets in the crack­ers will be crap, the jokes will not be funny and even Elle Macpher­son doesn’t look hot in a pa­per hat.

11. No-one has a “nor­mal” fam­ily. Re­mem­ber this at all times.

12. Drink lots. Al­co­hol is a (short-term) pain eraser.

Oh, and don’t for­get to have a Merry Christ­mas! Saman­tha co-hosts Sun­rise, 5.30am week­days, on the Seven Net­work.

“Un­like you, Santa only works one day a year. He judges from afar the other 364”

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