reveals her 12-step plan for an insanity-free festive season.
As I mature, I’ve acquired a greater appreciation for three things in life: oysters, coffee and Kate Mccallister. Remember the mother from Home Alone? She banished Kevin to the attic the night before their Christmas vacation in Paris, and then her completely overworked, frazzled, festive brain totally forgot him.
Right now, I’m feeling decidedly Macaulay Culkin-ish, and I don’t mean the cute eight-year-old version. I’m the one circa 2012: 2: my face is tired and drawn, my hair ir dishevelled and I can’t put together gether a decent outfit. This is not the aftermath of a drug addiction ction (I’m too attached to sleep eep for one of those), it’s because ause I’m trying to organise nise Christmas at my place.
It’s the time e of year when you’re supposed upposed to be joyful and d grateful and all I want to do is punch everyone ne in the face. I am mentally ntally arranging bodies ies in my house. No, not Charles Manson-style, I haven’t killed anyone (yet). yet). I’m trying to work out where the multitudes s will sleep.
I’m trying to o plan what we will eat and d when I’ll have time to visit Woolies. I’m trying to think of a colour lour scheme for the tree/table that will be ignored by my male relatives and admired for its genius by the womenfolk. I’m wondering when I’ll blow up the inflatable Santa, hang 30,000 fairy lights and weld together that $12 LED solar-powered reindeer. Because I LOVE CHRISTMAS, GOD DAMMIT! And yes, I’m bringing this on myself, because my name is Samantha Armytage and I am an over-achiever. So, here’s my 12-step plan to sanity this Christmas if, lik like me, you hover between Martha Ste Stewart and Kim Jong- Jong-un un on the Rich Richter scale. 1. Remember, unlike un you, Santa onlyworks only works one day a year. He judges you fro from afar the other 364. No-on No-one likes a lazy, fault-fifinding fault-finding ba bastard. 2. Lower your expectations. Taxis will not tu turn up. Ubers will constantly be at surge prices. Peoplewill People will be vile. The traffic will be foul. 3. Learn to deleg delegate. Pick all the jobs you really h hate... and get yourmother your mother to d do them. Manipulate her by t telling her how hard youwork you work all year. 4. DO NOT spend time on excessive self-reflec self-reflection. Your mistakes this year arem are made. Move on. Look forward to making more on NYE. 5. It’s “all about the kids” k but I suspect most realise the th elves are not slaving away at Apple HQ all year round, and are playing along because “if you don’t believe, you don’t receive”.
6. Always keep a stockpile of batteries in the cupboard, the size of which Elon Musk would be proud.
7. Australia has flies. A hot ham on a 35oc day will attract lots of them. Do not have a tantrum when said flies turn up and drive you bonkers.
8. Little kids and drunk people tell the truth. If you don’t want to offend anyone, gag the children.
9. Realise that the sibling who lives overseas will swan in and be the favourite for a fortnight, even though he/she makes absolutely no effort with your parents the rest of the year.
10. Know that the trinkets in the crackers will be crap, the jokes will not be funny and even Elle Macpherson doesn’t look hot in a paper hat.
11. No-one has a “normal” family. Remember this at all times.
12. Drink lots. Alcohol is a (short-term) pain eraser.
Oh, and don’t forget to have a Merry Christmas! Samantha co-hosts Sunrise, 5.30am weekdays, on the Seven Network.
“Unlike you, Santa only works one day a year. He judges from afar the other 364”