Life

The Weekend Australian - Life - - FOOD & WINE - saltb@theaus­tralian.com.au I @bernard­salt

Bernard Salt: are you a vic­tim? Ruth Ostrow on wast­ing time.

My fel­low Aus­tralians, are you not quite as rich as you de­serve to be? I’m sens­ing the an­swer might be no. Are you con­tin­u­ally over­looked for the pro­mo­tion you be­lieve you’re en­ti­tled to? Do you feel some peo­ple get a dream run whereas you have to strug­gle just to sur­vive?

Are you a vic­tim? Are you a bit hard done by? Be­cause if you are then you should down­load my lat­est in­ven­tion, Salt’s Fault Find­ing & Blame Shift­ing won­der app, now avail­able for iPhone and An­droid. Here’s how it works.

Did you miss out on that pro­mo­tion? Are you search­ing for an­swers as to why you haven’t been as suc­cess­ful as you de­serve to be? No wor­ries, I have this mar­ket cov­ered. Whip out Salt’s Fault Find­ing & Blame Shift­ing won­der app and en­ter “missed pro­mo­tion” into the vic­tim field. Scroll through the op­tions and set­tle on, and then ex­pound to all and sundry, the rea­son you were dud­ded. The rea­son you didn’t get that pro­mo­tion is your age … your eth­nic­ity … your body shape. All fac­tors be­yond your con­trol, of course.

Some­one else got that pro­mo­tion be­cause they sucked up to man­age­ment … be­cause they had old-school con­nec­tions … be­cause they were given spe­cial at­ten­tion that you did not get. The mar­ket­ing ge­nius of my app is that there is no op­tion that says “you weren’t good enough”; “you didn’t work hard enough”; “you have a de­luded view as to your com­mer­cial value”. Salt’s won­der app tells you what you want to hear. How clever is that!

My fel­low middle-aged Aus­tralians, are you un­likely to make it onto the rich list this year? Has life dealt you a bit of a rough trot? No wor­ries, whip out Salt’s won­der app and en­ter “not on rich list” into the vic­tim field and up will pop a se­ries of ex­pla­na­tions, none of which will re­flect on your abil­ity, in­tel­lect or ef­fort. You’re not on this year’s rich list be­cause you didn’t get the break in your 20s that oth­ers got … you were held back by a trou­ble­some re­la­tion­ship … (oh, I like this one) you were too loyal to your em­ployer to have struck out on your own … (oh, I like this one even bet­ter) you were too re­spon­si­ble to have risked it all to be an en­tre­pre­neur.

You are too damn sen­si­ble to be re­ally re­ally rich! Com­plete and ut­ter be­at­i­fi­ca­tion is an op­tion in the pre­mium ver­sion of my app.

Are you an as­pir­ing politi­cian or per­haps a holder of high of­fice in the cor­po­rate world? Has some­thing gone awry in the al­lo­ca­tion of pub­lic monies or in­vestor funds? Is an in­vest­ment or a piece of in­fra­struc­ture not quite work­ing as in­tended? No wor­ries, Salt’s won­der app has a blame-shift­ing so­lu­tion. Sim­ply en­ter “in­vest­ment/pol­icy not work­ing” into the vic­tim field. For tailored re­sponses en­ter “politi­cian” or “busi­ness ex­ec­u­tive”. The in­vest­ment/pol­icy didn’t work be­cause it was a flawed con­cept pushed be­yond the point of no re­turn by a pre­vi­ous ad­min­is­tra­tion … be­cause the left­ist/right­ist me­dia was against it from the start.

Early ver­sions of Salt’s won­der app of­fered ex­pla­na­tions as to why some­thing was a suc­cess. Oddly, this op­tion was never used. Ap­par­ently no one needs to know why they are suc­cess­ful; it’s be­cause of their su­pe­rior skill, in­tel­lect and ef­fort. But even more oddly, none of the rea­sons cited for suc­cess cor­re­lates with the rea­sons why oth­ers say they fail. No one says “I got the pro­mo­tion be­cause I sucked up to man­age­ment”. Isn’t that odd?

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