Bat­tle­ground: Rhino Wars

The Weekend Australian - Review - - Television -

Sun­day, 6.30pm, An­i­mal Planet Re­lax, this pro­gram is about sav­ing rhi­nos, not killing them. It is the only slightly con­trived for tele­vi­sion story of four pow­er­fully built exmil­i­tary dudes who take their com­bat skills to South Africa to try to halt the re­lent­less ex­ter­mi­na­tion of the an­i­mals by poach­ers. The first in­ter­view is with ex-Navy SEAL Saw. He is brought al­most to tears by the sight of his first rhino, un­for­tu­nately dead, with horn in­tact. ‘‘ She still had her horn,’’ he says. ‘‘ The poach­ers hadn’t even taken [it] so she was a to­tal waste of an an­i­mal.’’ Wildlife and gi­ant mil­i­tary men with a sen­si­tive side ter­ri­fy­ing gut­less poach­ers. Ar­rest­ing tele­vi­sion. per­sons. So this one is for the royal watch­ers out there — an hour of gush­ing and re­lent­less praise for the at­trac­tive young cou­ple who can do no wrong and who have com­pletely re­vi­talised the Bri­tish monar­chy. May they never see the de­but episode of Black Mir­ror, re­viewed above. Its al­lu­sions to an ab­ducted English princess would likely be too much to bear and far too close to the bone. off the Richter scale. Take Bret Michaels, lead singer of the band Poi­son. In this episode of a pro­gram in which celebri­ties hunt for houses, Bret in­vites us into his beau­ti­ful home in the Arizona desert where, sur­prise sur­prise, a gi­gan­tic im­age of his half-naked self adorns the main liv­ing room. Bret likes to sit out­side by the pool, ‘‘ be­cause it cen­tres ya’’. But, hav­ing out­grown the pad and the pool, he goes house hunt­ing with a Barbie-doll es­tate agent. First stop, a taste­less cav­ern of a place. Bret thinks it’s awe­some and set­tles him­self in a fire­side chair as Geron­imo looks down from the wall. ‘‘ Peo­ple talk about buns of steel,’’ he says, wrig­gling around a bit. ‘‘ But I like to think I have buns of feel.’’ He means he can sense the spirit of a place with his arse. It ap­pears he can talk through it as well.

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