Mail, rants, the­o­ries etc.

Total Film - - Contents - EL­LIE H, VIA EMAIL

You lot on Dunkirk, mostly. And mon­keys, for some rea­son.


A glance at the DVD sec­tion of my lo­cal su­per­mar­ket re­vealed a glar­ing omis­sion from your splen­did mag… I know, I’m as sur­prised as you! It’s just that I no­ticed a whole dis­play of un­re­viewed movies that I had al­most, sort of, heard of, but not quite, with ti­tles and even the cov­ers some­how fa­mil­iar, such as Darker Shades Of Elise, Galaxy Raiders, Sun­day School Mu­si­cal, At­lantic Rim, Frozen Land… Can I sug­gest you cover such ti­tles in an­other sec­tion, for the ben­e­fit of the con­fused, el­derly or those on a bud­get for peo­ple they feel obliged to buy for? You could call it Dop­pelRingers Dead­Gangers. We used to have a sec­tion cov­er­ing lots of those ‘me-too’ ti­tles, but it read like some miss­ing spread from the Book of Rev­e­la­tion; the sub-edi­tor still gets that funny twitch if you men­tion it. Oddly, we don’t get sent so many of those discs any more (un­less the sub’s fil­ing them in an in­cin­er­a­tor); any read­ers out there will­ing to be ca­naries and tell us what to watch (out for)? El­lie and ev­ery­one with a let­ter printed here will re­ceive a copy of the ex­cel­lent The Bleeder, out now on DVD and Blu-ray via Lionsgate Home En­ter­tain­ment. Didn’t send a bleedin’ ad­dress? Bleedin’ email it!


Hav­ing just seen Michael Bay’s new Trans­form­ers movie The Last Knight, I’d like to make a cou­ple of points: 1) he’s cer­tainly thrown the kitchen sink at this one – quite lit­er­ally

– ev­ery ac­tion scene sounds like he’s toss­ing a metal sink down an iron fire es­cape off a 200-storey build­ing. This is def­i­nitely the loud­est movie I’ve ever seen (heard). And 2) sort of links with this, as ev­ery scra­mash be­tween the au­to­cons and de­cep­ti­bots was not only deafen­ing but con­fus­ing and dis­ori­en­tat­ing as to pre­cisely who was do­ing what to whom.

It felt like we needed a points score in the top cor­ner of the cinema screen to help us know what the heck was hap­pen­ing! Good call. A ref­eree and a few stern lines­men wouldn’t have gone amiss, ei­ther. And though the noise level made it more like Trans­form­ers: The Last Knight Of The Proms, it’s in­spired a new chal­lenge: what’s the loud­est movie you’ve ever seen? Not in­clud­ing any au­di­ence chat­ters, wrap­per-rustlers or na­cho-crunch­ers turn­ing ev­ery mouth­ful into King Kong in a Walk­ers fac­tory.


Itook my son to see the Cap­tain Underpants movie this week­end. Af­ter Di­ary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul I didn’t hold out much hope. How­ever, I was pleas­antly sur­prised. Not only was it a fan­tas­tic adap­ta­tion of the source ma­te­rial, but a great su­per­hero ori­gin story, which, if we’re hon­est, tend to be the weak link in su­per­hero se­ries. It even had a mid-cred­its scene.

Jus­tice League take note! We were pleas­antly sur­prised too; fin­gers – or legs – crossed for a fran­chise ex­pan­sion; Jus­tice Loo-gue, per­haps? Avengers Arse-em­ble (UK ti­tle, ob­vi­ously)? Cer­tainly the best ‘Cap­tain’ movie since Cap­tain Fan­tas­tic (aka Cap­tain Lack-Of-Underpants).


I’m just out of watch­ing Nolan’s Dunkirk and felt com­pelled to write and say that I’ve never had an ex­pe­ri­ence quite as in­tense, emo­tive

Ihad the great plea­sure of watch­ing Dunkirk in all its IMAX glory on open­ing day and en­joyed it im­mensely. A true block­buster in ev­ery sense, with stun­ning ground, sea and ae­rial pho­tog­ra­phy, an in­tense sound­track and a clichéfree ap­proach to a fa­mous WW2 story. Christopher Nolan con­tin­ues to pro­duce great cin­e­matic spec­ta­cles in a world rife with pre­quels, se­quels (The

Dark Knight tril­ogy is the ex­cep­tion to the rule) and re­makes. One thing though, did any­one else no­tice the ever-chang­ing weather dur­ing scenes through the film?

Was the Dunkirk you re­viewed the same one I saw at the cinema to­day? How you could give it five stars and say it war­rants re­peat view­ings is be­yond me. If you want to do a film that has a non-lin­ear time­line, look to Tarantino for a les­son! Rant over. Have to say we didn’t no­tice any un­der­pop­u­lated beach/ weather con­ti­nu­ity is­sues; but then we were busy duck­ing to avoid a straf­ing from Tom Hardy’s Spit­fire. As for re­peat view­ings, we can con­firm that the film does hold up; be­tween us, the TF staff have seen it more times than there are 2017 films about Churchill, quot­ing Churchill or fea­tur­ing car­toon Churchill dop­pel­gängers (hello, Boss Baby).


It’s al­ways great to be re­minded of the splen­did­ness of hats (‘Top 10 Movie Hats’, TF261), but I was dis­traught that you left out my favourite, Fitz’s Small Be­whiskered Mam­mal Hat from The Revenant, a hat so cute I’m start­ing a fan club for it. Next please, top 10 movie sheep­skins.

A look pi­o­neered by Bane, it’s pop­ping up ev­ery­where, on Steve Trevor in Won­der Woman, Arthur in Leg­end Of The Sword and warm­ing the manly shoul­ders of dash­ing Spit­fire ace Far­rier in Dunkirk. Even Bird­man him­self, Michael Keaton, is rock­ing it in Spi­der-Man: Homecoming, although his re­minds me of that mat­ted hip­pie yak in Zootropo­lis. And don’t for­get Shaun the Sheep; he wore that wool to the man­ner born. Cu­ri­ous how the ’70s foot­ball man­ager/Del Boy look is sud­denly all the rage in Hol­ly­wood; what next, Flat-Cap-tain Amer­ica?


The Mummy: oh dear. Epic fail. Tom Cruise: sorry bud, but a mon­key would have been bet­ter. We as­sume you’re not say­ing

The Cruiser gave a sub-simian per­for­mance, but that the an­tag­o­nist should’ve been a pri­mate with an an­cient beef against mankind. In which case, hell yes. Re­place that silly dag­ger with an en­chanted ’nana and the sand­storm with Nobby’s Nuts and we’re talk­ing Bafta short­list.

loud and proud michael bay, film­ing Trans­form­ers: The

Last Knight, calls for more kitchen sinks.

cap­tain underpants has plenty to be proud of.

see­ing stars

and real as that. I’m ex­hausted but fig­ured if the Bri­tish forces had to go through what they did, I can sit in a cinema and al­low such bru­tal re­al­ism to over­whelm me. An ab­so­lute mas­ter­piece of mod­ern cinema, even if my mate noted, “I don’t un­der­stand why there were only three peo­ple on the beach.” Noth­ing like an amus­ing qualm to off­set a mo­ment of great­ness! nolan’s Dunkirk has been split­ting opin­ion. de­spite the fact it’s bril­liant…

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