Out of the mouths of babes
Looking for a laugh but don’t have time to open up the spam cluttering your e-mail? Let us do it for you. Spam junkie Andy Toulson is a serial e-mailer and we decided to put her talents for recognising the ridiculous to good use. Each week she will filter out the rubbish and present the best of spam.
HOWDOYOUDECIDEWHO TOMARRY(WRITTENBY KIDS) 1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming (Alan, age 10) 2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with (Kristen, age 10) What is the right age to get married? 1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then (Camille, age 10) 2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married (Freddie, age 6. . . very wise for his age) How can a stranger tell if two people are married? 1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids (Derrick, age 8) What do you think your mum and dad have in common? 1) Both don’t want any more kids (Lori, age 8) What do most people do on a date? 1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough (Lynnette, age 8. . . isn’t she a treasure) 2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date (Martin, age 10. . . who said boys do not have brains) What would you do on a first date that was turning sour? 1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns (Craig, age 9) When is it OKto kiss someone? 1) When they’re rich (Pam, age 7. . . I could not have said it better myself) 2) The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that (Curt, age 7) 3) The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do (Howard, age 8) Is it better to be single or married? 1) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out (Theodore, age 8. . . too much detail for his age) 2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them (Anita, age 9) How wouldthe worldbe different if people didn’t get married? 1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? (Kelvin, age 8) And the # 1favourite is. . . How wouldyou make a marriage work? 1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck (Ricky, age 10. . . the boy already understands). BREASTFEDVSBOTTLEFED A WOMANand a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottlefed.
‘‘Breastfed,’’ she replied.
‘‘Well, strip down to your waist,’’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said: ‘‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’’
‘‘I know,’’ she said, ‘‘I’m his grandma, but I’m glad I came.’’ WHAT’STHEDIFFERENCE? WE’VE all heard about people having guts or balls or chutzpah. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below. . .
GUTSis arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’’
BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ‘‘You’re next’’.
CHUTZPAHis being caught by your husband in bed with your lover, and, in a display of chutzpah, saying to him: ‘‘Sit down, watch and LEARN!’’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
WHYMENGETOUTOFBED. . . A RECENT survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Five per cent said it was to get a glass of water, 12 per cent said it was to go the toilet, and 83 per cent said it was to go home. OH. . . OH ONE day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the bad behaviour that was going on.
So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God: ‘‘Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95 per cent are misbehaving and only 5 per cent are not.’’
God thought for a moment and said: ‘‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’’
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said: ‘‘Yes, it’s true. The earth is in decline; 95 per cent are misbehaving, but 5 per cent are being good.’’
God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5 per cent who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the email said? . . . . . . No? . . . . . . OK, just wondering. . . I didn’t get one either. . .
BELOW: how’s this for putting your
baby on time-out