Out of the mouths of babes

Townsville Bulletin - - Junk (f)email - with Andy Toul­son

Look­ing for a laugh but don’t have time to open up the spam clut­ter­ing your e-mail? Let us do it for you. Spam junkie Andy Toul­son is a se­rial e-mailer and we de­cided to put her tal­ents for recog­nis­ing the ridicu­lous to good use. Each week she will fil­ter out the rub­bish and present the best of spam.

HOWDOYOUDECIDEWHO TOMARRY(WRIT­TENBY KIDS) 1) You got to find some­body who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip com­ing (Alan, age 10) 2) No per­son re­ally de­cides be­fore they grow up who they’re go­ing to marry. God de­cides it all way be­fore, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with (Kris­ten, age 10) What is the right age to get mar­ried? 1) Twenty-three is the best age be­cause you know the per­son FOR­EVER by then (Camille, age 10) 2) No age is good to get mar­ried at. You got to be a fool to get mar­ried (Fred­die, age 6. . . very wise for his age) How can a stranger tell if two peo­ple are mar­ried? 1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids (Der­rick, age 8) What do you think your mum and dad have in com­mon? 1) Both don’t want any more kids (Lori, age 8) What do most peo­ple do on a date? 1) Dates are for hav­ing fun, and peo­ple should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have some­thing to say if you lis­ten long enough (Lyn­nette, age 8. . . isn’t she a trea­sure) 2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usu­ally gets them in­ter­ested enough to go for a sec­ond date (Martin, age 10. . . who said boys do not have brains) What would you do on a first date that was turn­ing sour? 1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the news­pa­pers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead col­umns (Craig, age 9) When is it OKto kiss some­one? 1) When they’re rich (Pam, age 7. . . I could not have said it bet­ter my­self) 2) The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that (Curt, age 7) 3) The rule goes like this: if you kiss some­one, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do (Howard, age 8) Is it bet­ter to be sin­gle or mar­ried? 1) I don’t know which is bet­ter, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never go­ing to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out (Theodore, age 8. . . too much de­tail for his age) 2) It’s bet­ter for girls to be sin­gle but not for boys. Boys need some­one to clean up af­ter them (Anita, age 9) How wouldthe worldbe dif­fer­ent if peo­ple didn’t get mar­ried? 1) There sure would be a lot of kids to ex­plain, wouldn’t there? (Kelvin, age 8) And the # 1favourite is. . . How wouldyou make a mar­riage work? 1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck (Ricky, age 10. . . the boy al­ready un­der­stands). BREASTFEDVSBOTTLEFED A WOM­ANand a baby were in the doc­tor’s ex­am­in­ing room, wait­ing for the doc­tor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doc­tor ar­rived, and ex­am­ined the baby, checked his weight, and be­ing a lit­tle con­cerned, asked if the baby was breast­fed or bot­tlefed.

‘‘Breast­fed,’’ she replied.

‘‘Well, strip down to your waist,’’ the doc­tor or­dered.

She did. He pinched her nip­ples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very pro­fes­sional and de­tailed ex­am­i­na­tion.

Mo­tion­ing to her to get dressed the doc­tor said: ‘‘No won­der this baby is un­der­weight. You don’t have any milk.’’

‘‘I know,’’ she said, ‘‘I’m his grandma, but I’m glad I came.’’ WHAT’STHED­IF­FER­ENCE? WE’VE all heard about peo­ple hav­ing guts or balls or chutz­pah. But do you re­ally know the dif­fer­ence be­tween them?

In an ef­fort to keep you in­formed, the def­i­ni­tion for each is listed be­low. . .

GUTSis ar­riv­ing home late af­ter a night out with the guys, be­ing met by your wife with a broom, and hav­ing the guts to ask: ‘‘Are you still clean­ing, or are you fly­ing some­where?’’

BALLS is com­ing home late af­ter a night out with the guys, smelling of per­fume and beer, lip­stick on your col­lar, slap­ping your wife on the butt and hav­ing the balls to say: ‘‘You’re next’’.

CHUTZPAHis be­ing caught by your hus­band in bed with your lover, and, in a dis­play of chutz­pah, say­ing to him: ‘‘Sit down, watch and LEARN!’’

I hope this clears up any con­fu­sion on the def­i­ni­tions.

Med­i­cally speak­ing, there is no dif­fer­ence in the out­come, since both ul­ti­mately re­sult in death.

WHYMENGETOUTOFBED. . . A RE­CENT sur­vey was con­ducted to dis­cover why men get out of bed in the mid­dle of the night.

Five per cent said it was to get a glass of wa­ter, 12 per cent said it was to go the toi­let, and 83 per cent said it was to go home. OH. . . OH ONE day God was look­ing down at earth and saw all of the bad be­hav­iour that was go­ing on.

So he called one of his an­gels and sent the an­gel to earth for a time. When he re­turned, he told God: ‘‘Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95 per cent are mis­be­hav­ing and only 5 per cent are not.’’

God thought for a mo­ment and said: ‘‘Maybe I had bet­ter send down a sec­ond an­gel to get an­other opin­ion.’’

So God called an­other an­gel and sent him to earth for a time too.

When the an­gel re­turned he went to God and said: ‘‘Yes, it’s true. The earth is in de­cline; 95 per cent are mis­be­hav­ing, but 5 per cent are be­ing good.’’

God was not pleased. So he de­cided to email the 5 per cent who were good, be­cause He wanted to en­cour­age them, give them a lit­tle some­thing to help them keep go­ing.

Do you know what the email said? . . . . . . No? . . . . . . OK, just won­der­ing. . . I didn’t get one ei­ther. . .

BE­LOW: how’s this for putting your

baby on time-out

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