junk ( f) email

Look­ing for a laugh but don’t have time to open up the spam clut­ter­ing up your email? Spam junkie Andy Toul­son is a se­rial emailer and we’ve put her tal­ents for recog­nis­ing the ridicu­lous to good use. Each week she fil­ters out the rub­bish and presents the

Townsville Bulletin - - The Goss -

Five-minute man­age­ment course Les­son 1: A sales rep, an ad­min­is­tra­tion clerk, and the man­ager are walk­ing to lunch when they find an an­tique oil lamp. They rub it and a ge­nie comes out. The ge­nie says: ‘‘ I’ll give each of you just one wish.’’ ‘‘ Me first! Me first!’’ says the ad­min clerk. ‘‘ I want to be in the Ba­hamas with­out a care in the world.’’ Puff! She’s gone. ‘‘ Me next! Me next!’’ says the sales rep. ‘‘ I want to be in Hawaii, re­lax­ing on the beach with my per­sonal masseuse, an end­less sup­ply of Pina Co­ladas and the love of my life.’’ Puff! He’s gone. ‘‘ OK, you’re up,’’ the ge­nie says

to the man­ager. The man­ager says: ‘‘ I want those two back in the of­fice af­ter lunch.’’

Moral of the story: Al­ways let your boss have the first say.

Les­son 2: An ea­gle was sitting on a tree rest­ing, do­ing noth­ing. A small rab­bit saw the ea­gle and asked him: ‘‘ Can I also sit like you and do noth­ing?’’ The ea­gle an­swered: ‘‘ Sure, why not.’’ So, the rab­bit sat on the ground be­low the ea­gle and rested. All of a sud­den, a fox ap­peared, jumped on the rab­bit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and do­ing noth­ing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Les­son 3: A tur­key was chat­ting with a bull. ‘‘ I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’’ sighed the tur­key, ‘‘ but I haven’t got the en­ergy.’’ ‘‘ Well, why don’t you nib­ble on some of my drop­pings?’’ replied the bull. ‘‘ They’re packed with nu­tri­ents.’’ The tur­key pecked at a lump of dung, and found it ac­tu­ally gave him enough strength to reach the low­est branch of the tree. The next day, af­ter eat­ing some more dung, he reached the sec­ond branch. Fi­nally af­ter a fourth night, the tur­key was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spot­ted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull­shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Les­son 4: A lit­tle bird was fly­ing south for the win­ter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was ly­ing there, a cow dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he be­gan to re­al­ize that the dung was ac­tu­ally thaw­ing him out – and soon be­gan to sing for joy. A pass­ing cat heard the bird singing and came to in­ves­ti­gate, and dis­cov­er­ing the bird un­der the pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story: ( 1) Not ev­ery­one who shits on you is your en­emy. ( 2) Not ev­ery­one who gets you out of shit is your friend. ( 3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

FAST-FOOD MAR­RIAGE: Why you must be care­ful if hy­phen­at­ing names when you

de­cide to get hitched

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