junk ( f) email

Look­ing for a laugh but don’t have time to open up the spam clut­ter­ing up your email? Spam junkie Andy Toul­son is a se­rial emailer and we’ve put her tal­ents for recog­nis­ing the ridicu­lous to good use. Each week she fil­ters out the rub­bish and presents the

Townsville Bulletin - - NQ Life - andy. toul­son@ townsville­bul­letin. com. au

The biker and the lion

A BIKER is pass­ing the Wash­ing­ton zoo when he sees a lit­tle girl lean­ing into the lion’s cage. Sud­denly, the lion grabs her jacket and tries to pull her in­side, un­der the eyes of her scream­ing par­ents. The biker runs to the cage and punches the lion on the nose. Whim­per­ing, the lion lets go of the girl, and the biker re­unites her with her ter­ri­fied par­ents, who thank him end­lessly. A re­porter has watched the event. He goes up to the biker and says: ‘‘ Sir, that was the most gal­lant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’’ The biker replies: ‘‘ Why, it was noth­ing, re­ally, the lion was be­hind bars. I just saw this lit­tle kid in dan­ger and acted.’’ The re­porter says: ‘‘ Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go un­no­ticed. I’m a jour­nal­ist, you know, and to­mor­row’s pa­per will have this story on the front page . . . so, what do you do for a liv­ing and what po­lit­i­cal af­fil­i­a­tion do you have?’’ The biker replies: ‘‘ I’m a US Marine and a Repub­li­can.’’ The jour­nal­ist nods and leaves. The next day the biker sees the pa­per’s front page: ‘‘ US Marine as­saults African im­mi­grant and steals his lunch’’.

Univer­sity en­trance exam for jocks

Time limit: 3 weeks ( This joke is hav­ing a go at sports jocks who ap­ply at the In­sti­tute of Sport . . .)

1. What lan­guage is spo­ken in France?

2. Give a dis­ser­ta­tion on the an­cient Baby­lo­nian Em­pire with par­tic­u­lar ref­er­ence to ar­chi­tec­ture, lit­er­a­ture, law and so­cial con­di­tions OR Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau

3. Would you ask Wil­liam Shake­speare to: ( a) build a bridge ( b) sail the ocean ( c) lead an army or ( d) write a play

4. Met­ric con­ver­sion. How many feet is 0.0 me­tres?

5. What re­li­gion is the Pope? ( a) Jewish ( b) Catholic ( c) Hindu ( d) Pol­ish ( e) Ag­nos­tic 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the lit­tle hand is on the 5? 7. How many com­mand­ments was Moses given ( roughly)? 8. What are peo­ple in Amer­ica’s far north called? ( a) Western­ers ( b) South­ern­ers ( c) North­ern­ers 9. Six kings of Eng­land have been called Ge­orge, the last one be­ing Ge­orge the Sixth. Name the pre­vi­ous five. 10. Can you ex­plain Ein­stein’s The­ory of Rel­a­tiv­ity? ( a) yes ( b) no You must an­swer three or more ques­tions cor­rectly to qual­ify.

Some­thing has crashed on my com­puter and the mouse is miss­ing

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