Bed­time sto­ries

Savvy sex­ol­o­gist Dr Frances Quirk an­swers your per­sonal, sex­ual and re­la­tion­ship ques­tions

Townsville Bulletin - - Savvy - email ques­tions to francesquirk@ gmail. com-

Ques­tion: I am in a re­la­tion­ship with a guy that I like a lot but don’t con­sider ’ long term’ ma­te­rial. I have a feel­ing from some of the things that he has said and done that he might be think­ing about me that way though. I have been say­ing things that are sort of putting him off hav­ing that sort of idea but haven’t been com­pletely ex­plicit about it ba­si­cally be­cause we have the most fan­tas­tic sex and I don’t want him to go off in a huff! I am be­gin­ning to feel a bit bad though be­cause I guess the bot­tom line is that I am us­ing him for the sex and not be­ing re­ally hon­est about my in­ten­tions for the re­la­tion­ship. I know that on one level but ev­ery time I think about not hav­ing sex with him again it just kills me. Is that just too shal­low or can I keep the re­la­tion­ship go­ing? Hay­ley An­swer: Re­la­tion­ships can main­tain in all sorts of forms and ways of re­lat­ing to each other and as long as both par­ties are happy with that then that’s OK. If one side of a part­ner­ship is not be­ing com­pletely hon­est to main­tain an as­pect of the re­la­tion­ship that they en­joy then it is prob­a­bly time to think about how that would af­fect the other per­son. Your cur­rent re­la­tion­ship dy­namic re­lies on not clar­i­fy­ing that you think there is no fu­ture in it, your part­ner is not aware of that or not aware enough to be able to make a de­ci­sion about whether they want to change any­thing or re­con­sider. On one level you know this is not fair and are be­gin­ning to feel un­com­fort­able but you are still re­luc­tant to give up the as­pect of the re­la­tion­ship that you prize, the great sex. You might want to give some thought to what it is about the sex­ual side of your re­la­tion­ship and what sex means to you that is driv­ing you to not con­sider your part­ner’s feel­ings about be­ing ’ used’. Ques­tion: I have fallen in love with my house­mate’s girl­friend, he is also my best friend. We are both at uni and have known each other since we were kids. His girl­friend is over all the time and of­ten is here wait­ing for him to come back from lec­tures or work so she and I have got­ten to know each other pretty well, we talk and watch movies while she is wait­ing for him. I have com­pletely fallen in love with her, she is the most amaz­ing girl I have ever met. It is some kind of per­sonal hell to have to lis­ten to them hav­ing sex ( which they do a lot!) and then try to pre­tend I don’t hear it and it doesn’t bother me. He likes her a lot, they get on re­ally well and there is no sign of them break­ing up, but I keep hav­ing these fan­tasies of us be­ing to­gether and how fan­tas­tic it would be. I don’t want to end up hat­ing my best friend for his girl­friend. Dave An­swer: It is OK to ad­mire an­other per­son and have feel­ings for them but that needs to be tem­pered by the con­tex­tual re­al­ity of the sit­u­a­tion. Fan­tasies are great and can be re­ally en­joy­able but it’s im­por­tant to keep them in per­spec­tive. You say that their re­la­tion­ship is fine and there is no sign of dif­fi­culty or like­li­hood of break­ing up, his girl­friend is prob­a­bly happy to be able to have an easy re­la­tion­ship with her boyfriend’s best friend. Her way of re­lat­ing to you is prob­a­bly com­ing from the per­spec­tive of friends and noth­ing else and while you can have a wish­ful fan­tasy about her as a pos­si­ble part­ner the re­al­ity is that is cur­rently un­likely to hap­pen. If you bring your fan­tasy into slightly sharper fo­cus, some of the dif­fi­cul­ties of how you could have your best friend’s ex be your girl­friend in the same house might help you to ’ pop’ the bub­ble and fo­cus more on see­ing her as a friend.

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