PIE CHART OF

Townsville Bulletin - - NEWS -

YOU don’t eat a pie. You smash it. You let it know who is boss. You re­strain it with both hands so that the strug­gling, squirm­ing an­i­mal that it is can­not es­cape your clutches. You gulp down the meat and let the juices and flu­ids run down your chin and down on to your shirt. A shirt stained with pie juice stud­ded with the odd morsel of cow eye ball and bull scro­tum is a sym­bol of Aussie male viril­ity. It is the sign of the great hunter. The ul­ti­mate hunter- gath­erer. It is a pa­gan rit­ual, a mod­ern- day Ro­man orgy in­volv­ing just you and that sweet lit­tle disc of pas­try con­tain­ing gris­tle, wa­ter, and an­i­mal body parts pumped from the slaugh­ter­house sump af­ter the bon­ing room floor has been hosed out. It is an in­ti­mate ex­pe­ri­ence shared by just you and the ol’ dog’s eye. You do not eat a pie with a knife and fork. Our prime min­is­ters past and present have had dif­fer­ing views of deco­rum when it comes to the do’s and don'ts of eat­ing a pie. Mal­colm Turn­bull was caught fla­grante delicto look­ing like a Pom­mie knob when he was sprung eat­ing a pie in Tassie with a knife and fork. I mean, re­ally, do they have knives and forks in Tas­ma­nia? To make it worse he was wear­ing a cash­mere jumper un­der his sweater. Wear­ing cash­mere upped the ante as far as his Pom­mie “knob­ness” was con­cerned. What’s wrong with Aussie merino wool? It all went down­hill from there for Mal­colm. He was busted as prime min­is­ter and look who took his place? None other than the Ne­an­derthal Man him­self, ScoMo. Scott Mor­ri­son rips into a pie like a hyena into a downed wilde­beest. Take a look at the fangs. Take a look at the photo. Wrap him up in a bit of woolly mam­moth hide and he’d look like he just stepped out of the cave. Ju­lia Gil­lard looks like some­one has hit her on the back­side with a cat­tle jig­ger just as she bit into her pie. We couldn’t find any pho­tos of Bill Shorten eat­ing a pie, but watch­ing him eat this sausage sand­wich was like be­ing forced to sit through a 30 minute lec­ture on ad­vanced al­ge­bra. Kevin Rudd eat­ing a pie? Yes, here is pho­to­graphic proof that this try- hard Aussie has ac­tu­ally eaten a pie. Watch­ing him eat it is ex­cru­ci­at­ingly painful. It is enough to make any nor­mal per­son’s eyes bleed, but, the fact can’t be ig­nored that it is a rare photo. It’s very sim­i­lar in its rar­ity to one, say, of the reclu­sive Congo okapi and of the ( un­til re­cently) thought to be ex­tinct ground dwelling night par­rot.

For Tony Ab­bott, eat­ing a pie is a re­li­gious ex­pe­ri­ence. In­deed in this photo it looks as though he could be hav­ing a re­li­gious “thoughtie”, but, no, we are not go­ing to go there. Bob Hawke, “Hawkie” to his mates, re­lied on one food group to get him through the long days and nights when he was prime min­is­ter. Yes, he was sus­tained by pies, pies of all per­sua­sions, be they meat, pep­per steak, steak and mush­room, or steak and kid­ney with mushy peas. With Hawkie, no pie was off lim­its. And he washed them all down with a six pack of Vic­tor Bravos.

Yes, there is deco­rum at­tached to eat­ing a pie, and very few of our politi­cians man­age to get it right. But, if ever there was a PM who looks as though he en­joys a pie it is the in­cum­bent. Rip into that wilde­beest, ScoMo.

Brekkie with ScoMo

SUP­PORT­ERS paid $ 5000 a head to have break­fast with ScoMo in Townsville on Thurs­day morn­ing. Per­haps they were served pies? I hear about eight guests were there plus staff and min­ders.

Turn­ing off eco- tourists

THE State Govern­ment’s plan to de­velop a pop­u­lar wilder­ness trail on Hinchinbrook Is­land with walk­ing bridges and glamp­ing ac­com­mo­da­tion has the sup­port of Kat­ter’s Aus­tralian Party Nick Dametto. Mr Dametto, the Mem­ber for Hinchinbrook, was on the ra­dio this week back­ing state La­bor’s plan to turn the rugged bush track into a glamp­ing style at­trac­tion. There will be some argy- bargy over the plan. One Card­well busi­ness­woman told me that peo­ple who op­posed the devel­op­ment were ei­ther “liv­ing in the past like an old per­son” or were “back­ward minded.” She, per­haps like other Card­well busi­ness­peo­ple, see it as a way to bring more tourists to their town. The risk is, of course, that the fair dinkum eco- tourists, such as those who now walk the Thors­borne Trail, will look

Ju­lia Gil­lard.

Bill Shorten.

Mal­colm Turn­bull.

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