Na­palm’s ruled out in the war on weeds

It’s hands-on at the bat­tle­front – just be­ware of an­gry ants

Warwick Daily News - - WEEKEND - with Greg Bray Greg Bray blogs at www.greg­bray­writer.word­press.com. Find him on Face­book: Greg Bray – Writer

FOLKS, it doesn’t rain much over Bray Manor, so when the heav­ens fi­nally opened up I im­me­di­ately whipped out­side and did a lit­tle rain dance of grat­i­tude on the foot­path, which may ex­plain why real es­tate val­ues at our end of the street have plum­meted like a stunned ea­gle.

But, for the first time in ages my mower is hap­pily hack­ing down ac­tual grass in­stead of spray­ing dust, rocks, dog poo and kids’ toys all over the yard.

Now all I have to do is get rid of the truck­load of weeds which have ap­peared from out of nowhere like un­wanted rel­a­tives at a will read­ing.

Tra­di­tion­ally I na­palm any un­wanted veg­e­ta­tion with a pop­u­lar weed­killer, but ac­cord­ing to my hippy mate I might as well be spray­ing ra­dioac­tive waste di­rectly into my own mouth. Well, I did some re­search and grudg­ingly ad­mit­ted he may have a point; but I’m still not buy­ing into his the­ory re­gard­ing flu­o­ride and UFOs.

Any­way, I checked out his recipe for a “nat­u­ral” her­bi­cide and while all the prod­ucts were fairly harm­less on their own, e.g. vine­gar, wash­ing up liq­uid and salt, when com­bined in large quan­ti­ties they made a chem­i­cal cock­tail that was prob­a­bly just as bad for the en­vi­ron­ment as any in­dus­trial her­bi­cide. And, af­ter another hour of re­search, I was con­vinced that a gar­den path full of weeds was prob­a­bly the least of my prob­lems.

Ba­si­cally, I de­cided that the safest method of killing weeds was more hands-on, i.e. pull them out, or cover them up with a plas­tic sheet and wait. But a third op­tion was to pour boil­ing hot wa­ter di­rectly onto them while chortling “death from above!”

So I sin­gled out some pavers and sprayed hot wa­ter on to the weeds grow­ing be­tween the cracks. The re­sult? Well, I was im­me­di­ately swarmed by an­gry ants. The weeds did die a quick and I’d say fairly painful death, but now I’m left won­der­ing if burn­ing coal to boil hot wa­ter is as bad for the en­vi­ron­ment as spray­ing chem­i­cal weed­killers.

Hon­estly, I wouldn’t be in this dilemma if it hadn’t rained.

Tra­di­tion­ally I na­palm any un­wanted veg­e­ta­tion with a pop­u­lar weed­killer, but ac­cord­ing to my hippy mate I might as well be spray­ing ra­dioac­tive waste di­rectly into my own mouth.

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