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Women's Health Australia - - NEWS -

We of­ten con­nect our self-worth to whether or not we’re de­sired by oth­ers (part­ners or oth­er­wise). In re­al­ity, sex­ual de­sire is com­plex, tak­ing into ac­count sev­eral fac­tors: bi­o­log­i­cal, psy­cho­log­i­cal and in­ter­per­sonal. “Think of it like the stock mar­ket,” says Dr Ian Kerner, sex ther­a­pist and au­thor of

She Comes First. “It goes up, it goes down and it’s sub­ject to swings due to un­der­ly­ing fac­tors: stress, mood, diet, ex­er­cise, med­i­ca­tions, you name it.” With all of these in play, some­times your SO just won’t feel up for it – and that’s nor­mal. In­stead of feel­ing in­sulted or wor­ried, think about how you can help get your part­ner’s mind in the right space. For ex­am­ple, in­stead of throw­ing on your flan­nel PJS, slip into your sexy undies – if you know that turns them on. “Re­la­tion­ships fluc­tu­ate, and your sex life can change over time, so don’t com­pare their de­sire

(or your own) to what it used to be,” ad­vises Kerner. “In­stead, find new ways to build it up to­gether.” Still, if you’re get­ting turned down on the regs and you’re wor­ried, com­mu­ni­cate those feel­ings to your part­ner with­out blame. Speak from a place of vul­ner­a­bil­ity (“I’m ner­vous bring­ing this up, but I want to dis­cuss our sex life”), and then let them share their feel­ings.

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