Ya blew it, Kirk

Daily Nation (Barbados) - - Opinion - Richard Hoad is a farmer and so­cial com­men­ta­tor. Email porkhoad@gmail.com.

It don’t do so, Kirk. When a storm pass, it pass. You fooled the oth­ers, Kirk, but you didn’t fool me.

Ya blew it. Kirk

Se­ri­ously, Kirk? You call your­self a trop­i­cal storm? You were pa­thetic. “Kirk is com­ing… Kirk is strength­en­ing… Kirk is weak­en­ing… Kirk is back… Kirk is weak­en­ing again…”

In the end you ar­rived a day late and caused bare con­fu­sion. Your eye passed with barely a blus­ter. And then all the ac­tion was in the rear. Whole heap of rain and flood­ing. Patrick Bethell told my wife he had four inches in 12 hours. She wasn’t im­pressed. “I get that in five min­utes”, she scoffed.

Do you re­alise what you ex­posed us to? Af­ter co­me­di­ans like Joe Tu­dor, Trevor East­mond, Mac Fin­gall, the Queen Archiebull Cox, you landed us a night of Ken Hus­bands and Dennis John­son. Here’s a sam­ple:

The wa­ter­melon joke (Ken has told this more than once!): A man had a wa­ter­melon patch. Some­one was steal­ing them. So he put up a sign: “One wa­ter­melon is poisoned but only the farmer knows which one!” So the thief put up a sign: “Two water­mel­ons are poisoned but only the thief knows which is the other one!” No one could eat any water­mel­ons.

This spon­sored the ba­nana joke: A man had a lovely bunch of bananas. Some­one stole them. He put out a re­port: “Those bananas are poisoned!” No­body could eat the bananas.

And a next ba­nana joke: A man had a bunch of bananas on a tree. He watched them day and night. Fi­nally he yawned and closed his eyes. When he looked again, all he saw was sap drip­ping from the cut­off stem!

Which prompted a sheep joke: A woman’s sheep went miss­ing. She asked a man if he had seen the sheep. For three days the man helped her look for the sheep. But all the while he had it home cook­ing.

Which caused Dennis John­son to hit us with a big-head joke: Some­one told him his big head was block­ing their view. So he went to the doc­tor The doc­tor said: “Mr John­son, your head is not big. The prob­lem is your shoul­ders are too nar­row!” (Ken Hus­bands laughed about ten min­utes.)

Mean­while Oliver Samuels called me from Ja­maica: “Low­down, what I’m ‘ear­ing on VOB, is that you-all calls hu­mour in Bar­ba­dos?” And Learie Joseph chipped in from Trinidad: “Just one thing, Low­down. How all-yuh does know when to laugh at a Ba­jan joke?”

I felt shame. But it didn’t end there. Next morn­ing star girl Cas­san­dra was down at Browne’s Beach. She ex­pected to be de­scrib­ing ram­pag­ing rough­ness, like: “I don’t know if you can hear me over this, Shane! Thirty foot waves are pound­ing the shore. Two beached whales and a 20 foot oc­to­pus are duk­ing it out on the beach. And, Oh­migod, the Stavronikita, (you re­mem­ber that wreck?), well she’s sur­faced and is sail­ing around Carlisle Bay be­decked in bar­na­cles with her horn blar­ing!”

In­stead she got talk­ing to two fel­lows ex­er­cis­ing in calm placid con­di­tions. But later that night we had it rough. Elec­tric­ity off, gale force winds howl­ing, rain pour­ing and we try­ing to set up stand-by power with a trac­tor, clothes drenched, boots full of water.

It don’t do so, Kirk. When a storm pass, it pass. You fooled the oth­ers, Kirk, but you didn’t fool me. From the time I saw that you started out down low, (down­low?), kept veer­ing South in­stead of the usual north­west trend, and all your ac­tion was in the rear, I knew what you were: our first trans­gen­der storm. Which was to be ex­pected af­ter that gay “pride” event.

But you’re lucky, Kirk, real lucky. For if our Prime Min­is­ter was around here in­stead of up in ‘Mer­ica pos­ing with Trudeau and Trump, she would’ve had a few words for you. And not a lit­tle few, ei­ther. That lady shoots from the hip, or rather the lip.

See how she wooed them at the UN? Boss per­for­mance. Of course we know all that grand­stand­ing about “de­part­ing from the pre­pared script” was bare show. When did Mia Mot­t­ley ever need notes or a writ­ten speech?

And, wow, she’s look­ing hot in the new Ver­sace rai­ments too! Right up there with our other style-plate ladies: Dame Cas­san­dra, Dame San­dra and the off­shoul­der Queen (not you, Archiebull) Dame Maizie Barker-welch!

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