Best for man to just be him­self

Cape Breton Post - - IN MEMORIAM/ADVICE/GAMES - Ellie Tesher

Q: I’m 52, and dated a won­der­ful woman, 54, for a year.

Half­way through the year, I lost my job.

I had other prob­lems with the U.S. In­ter­nal Rev­enue Ser­vice. My girl­friend made some sug­ges­tions which I found un­com­fort­able.

I didn’t think she had my best in­ter­est, but I now see that she was just try­ing to help.

At the same time, a for­mer girl­friend I’d dated briefly started to text me. She wanted to start some­thing new.

I was tex­ting back as an es­cape from my prob­lems.

Most texts were just friendly, but some crossed the line.

This woman then copied and sent ev­ery­thing to the new girl­friend.

Ev­ery­thing ex­ploded just be­fore Christ­mas. My new girl­friend trav­elled to her fam­ily and when she re­turned, she said she was fin­ished.

I know I’ve made a grave mis­take. I con­sider my­self a re­ally good guy and what I did was against all my be­liefs.

For a new be­gin­ning, I went to my church and was bap­tized. The new girl­friend still says she wants to move on and that I should too.

But I’m crazy in love with her. I’ve sent flow­ers and cards.

And I still be­lieve that there’s a chance for a restart.

I have a new job and I’m try­ing to be the best per­son I can be, hope­fully she’ll give me a chance.

What strat­egy can I use to get my girl back? Try in a month to keep the con­nec­tion go­ing? Keep send­ing flow­ers and cards? Or, suck it up and move on? — A Changed Man A: There’s only one strat­egy for you now — Be Your­self!

She was at­tracted to you be­fore and can be again, if you show her you’re the same good guy.

What turned her off was how badly you han­dled things when faced with per­sonal prob­lems, es­pe­cially your “es­cape” through sex-ting with an­other woman.

Send her a let­ter (not an email) telling her how sorry you are about those wrong-headed re­ac­tions.

Say that you re­al­ize more than ever that you love her, and only want to prove to her that you’ll never han­dle stress that way again.

Do not rush her. You may need to wait a cou­ple of months be­fore she’ll meet you to talk. Best to sug­gest that rather than keep hound­ing her.

Mean­while, if your church helps you stay fo­cused, stay con­nected to it.

Q: I was cho­sen by the bride as a God­mother-Spon­sor for her wed­ding.

But when I showed the bride a dress I bought, she said the colour and style were dif­fer­ent from what’s “re­quired.” I re­turned it.

With the groom present, I said that the re­quired floor-length gown and colour don’t suit me.

The bride then told me to wear what I like.

But when he left, she said that her par­ents’ friend — their choice of God­mother-Spon­sor - said that all three of us must wear the same colour and style.

I’ve searched the In­ter­net plus nine bridal stores and can­not find that colour.

The shower and wed­ding will be held out-of-town, in­volv­ing travel and ho­tel costs. I’m be­com­ing anx­ious.

I’m con­sid­er­ing not go­ing, and giv­ing the money I save to the bride and groom. Am I be­ing un­grate­ful? — Ab­sen­tee Wed­ding Spon­sor

A: Be­ing asked to be a wed­ding spon­sor, es­pe­cially in some tra­di­tion­ally re­li­gious com­mu­ni­ties, is con­sid­ered an hon­our and comes with re­spon­si­bil­i­ties.

But if these “re­quire­ments” are mak­ing you anx­ious, tell the bride. If she wants you there as a guest, or ex­empts you on the dress re­quire­ment, go.

Com­men­tary: “I’m of­fer­ing a so­lu­tion for the man who’s con­cerned with what to say in eu­lo­gies for his par­ents, with whom he says he’s had a mer­cu­rial re­la­tion­ship:

“He should find a church like mine that doesn’t al­low eu­lo­gies. We stopped al­low­ing them three years ago - at the ini­ti­a­tion of some of our lay mem­bers - be­cause they be­came so out of hand with peo­ple say­ing in­ap­pro­pri­ate or down­right dumb things.

“Or, shar­ing fam­ily se­crets that didn’t need to be made pub­lic, do­ing their own grief­work in pub­lic, or just be­ing very long and te­dious.

“The record on length was twenty-seven min­utes; on in­ap­pro­pri­ate, it was let­ting ev­ery­one know how “stinky” the de­ceased’s feet were.

“Based on this man’s let­ter, it may be best if he didn’t offer any re­marks at all.

“So, I sim­ply rec­om­mend find­ing a church like this one, and the worry is gone!”

— A New York Rev­erend TIP OF THE DAY When out-of-char­ac­ter be­hav­iour causes a break-up, you need to prove that it won’t hap­pen again.

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