Best for man to just be himself
Q: I’m 52, and dated a wonderful woman, 54, for a year.
Halfway through the year, I lost my job.
I had other problems with the U.S. Internal Revenue Service. My girlfriend made some suggestions which I found uncomfortable.
I didn’t think she had my best interest, but I now see that she was just trying to help.
At the same time, a former girlfriend I’d dated briefly started to text me. She wanted to start something new.
I was texting back as an escape from my problems.
Most texts were just friendly, but some crossed the line.
This woman then copied and sent everything to the new girlfriend.
Everything exploded just before Christmas. My new girlfriend travelled to her family and when she returned, she said she was finished.
I know I’ve made a grave mistake. I consider myself a really good guy and what I did was against all my beliefs.
For a new beginning, I went to my church and was baptized. The new girlfriend still says she wants to move on and that I should too.
But I’m crazy in love with her. I’ve sent flowers and cards.
And I still believe that there’s a chance for a restart.
I have a new job and I’m trying to be the best person I can be, hopefully she’ll give me a chance.
What strategy can I use to get my girl back? Try in a month to keep the connection going? Keep sending flowers and cards? Or, suck it up and move on? — A Changed Man A: There’s only one strategy for you now — Be Yourself!
She was attracted to you before and can be again, if you show her you’re the same good guy.
What turned her off was how badly you handled things when faced with personal problems, especially your “escape” through sex-ting with another woman.
Send her a letter (not an email) telling her how sorry you are about those wrong-headed reactions.
Say that you realize more than ever that you love her, and only want to prove to her that you’ll never handle stress that way again.
Do not rush her. You may need to wait a couple of months before she’ll meet you to talk. Best to suggest that rather than keep hounding her.
Meanwhile, if your church helps you stay focused, stay connected to it.
Q: I was chosen by the bride as a Godmother-Sponsor for her wedding.
But when I showed the bride a dress I bought, she said the colour and style were different from what’s “required.” I returned it.
With the groom present, I said that the required floor-length gown and colour don’t suit me.
The bride then told me to wear what I like.
But when he left, she said that her parents’ friend — their choice of Godmother-Sponsor - said that all three of us must wear the same colour and style.
I’ve searched the Internet plus nine bridal stores and cannot find that colour.
The shower and wedding will be held out-of-town, involving travel and hotel costs. I’m becoming anxious.
I’m considering not going, and giving the money I save to the bride and groom. Am I being ungrateful? — Absentee Wedding Sponsor
A: Being asked to be a wedding sponsor, especially in some traditionally religious communities, is considered an honour and comes with responsibilities.
But if these “requirements” are making you anxious, tell the bride. If she wants you there as a guest, or exempts you on the dress requirement, go.
Commentary: “I’m offering a solution for the man who’s concerned with what to say in eulogies for his parents, with whom he says he’s had a mercurial relationship:
“He should find a church like mine that doesn’t allow eulogies. We stopped allowing them three years ago - at the initiation of some of our lay members - because they became so out of hand with people saying inappropriate or downright dumb things.
“Or, sharing family secrets that didn’t need to be made public, doing their own griefwork in public, or just being very long and tedious.
“The record on length was twenty-seven minutes; on inappropriate, it was letting everyone know how “stinky” the deceased’s feet were.
“Based on this man’s letter, it may be best if he didn’t offer any remarks at all.
“So, I simply recommend finding a church like this one, and the worry is gone!”
— A New York Reverend TIP OF THE DAY When out-of-character behaviour causes a break-up, you need to prove that it won’t happen again.