Kids, money are flash­points in sec­ond mar­riage

Cape Breton Post - - Advice/Games - El­lie Tesher Read El­lie Mon­day to Satur­day. Email el­lie@thes­tar.ca. Fol­low @el­liead­vice. Copy­right 2017: El­lie Tesher Dis­trib­uted by: Torstar Syn­di­ca­tion Ser­vices

Q

: I mar­ried seven months ago to a woman I’d dated for three years. We’re both in our 50’s. She has three chil­dren; I have one son, 21.

We have al­most equal net worth and both have pro­fes­sional ca­reers (I earn 25% more than her).

She’s sched­uled for part­time work (two-thirds the hours) soon. She’ll start plan­ning our dream home that we’ll build. I love her dearly.

How­ever, her youngest son lived with us one sum­mer at 21. That al­most ended our re­la­tion­ship.

He’d come home from his co-op work-term job “too tired” to clean his mess in the kitchen, leav­ing me to clean af­ter him though I worked 10-11 hours.

He’s now fin­ish­ing his Univer­sity de­gree, his tu­ition, and school liv­ing ex­penses all paid for by a fam­ily trust for her chil­dren’s ed­u­ca­tion. His earn­ings are used for ex­tras and fun.

When he re­cently started his last work term, he bor­rowed sev­eral thou­sand dol­lars from his mother for apart­ment rent and clothes re­quired for the job.

He claims that he’ll re­pay her but he keeps buy­ing things on his credit card. I can’t see the loan ever be­ing repaid (her other chil­dren never repaid her loans).

We share all house­hold ex­penses. I also pay for the costs to­wards our fu­ture home from my sav­ings.

Once she’s part-time, I doubt she’ll be able to con­tinue shar­ing her half of the ex­penses, as she has many per­sonal ex­penses (i.e. per­sonal trainer, mas­sage ther­apy, etc).

I don’t mind car­ry­ing more of the ex­penses when it’s for us, but since she likely won’t get repaid, it feels like I’ll be work­ing longer than I want to.

I’m disappointed that she isn’t pur­su­ing get­ting the money back. It makes me feel an­gry, be­cause her son doesn’t re­spect that it’s partly my very hard-earned money. — Love and Money

A: It’s all about her son. He took ad­van­tage of your will­ing­ness to clean up (you could’ve left it for his mother to clean) and you haven’t for­given his easy-care at­ti­tude.

You clearly raised your kids in dif­fer­ent ways. She had the fam­ily trust money for their ed­u­ca­tion and for­gave her kids’ “loans.”

But if you over­re­act, it could di­vide you.

There’s seem­ingly enough money be­tween you. You agreed to her work­ing part­time. Over­see­ing the house project is part of her con­tri­bu­tion.

Back off. Point out, gen­tly, that you both know he won’t re­pay so she may have trou­ble main­tain­ing her share of ex­penses.

Then drop it. Un­less you have some mu­tual solutions, leave the short­fall up to her.

Reader’s Com­men­tary Re­gard­ing the man with em­bar­rass­ing body odour (July 12, Au­gust 7, and 11):

“Ac­cord­ing to a study by re­searchers at the Monell Chem­i­cal Senses Cen­ter in Philadel­phia, one-third of peo­ple with un­ex­plained body odour may ac­tu­ally have an in­her­ited metabolic dis­or­der.

“This dis­or­der im­pairs their abil­ity to me­tab­o­lize a com­pound pro­duced nat­u­rally from many foods.

”The hered­i­tary dis­or­der is called trymethy­lamin­uria (TMAU), a dis­ease that im­pairs the abil­ity of an en­zyme to me­tab­o­lize or trans­form the com­pound trimethy­lamine (TMA).

”Although the com­pound gen­er­ally has an off-putting fishy smell at lower con­cen­tra­tions, the odour of TMA may be per­ceived as un­pleas­ant or “garbage-like,” say the re­searchers.

“Pro­duc­tion of TMA is as­so­ci­ated with foods rich in choline, such as organ meats, eggs, cer­tain legumes and salt­wa­ter fish. Ex­cess TMA is ex­creted from the body in sweat, breath, saliva, and urine.

“Once TMAU is di­ag­nosed, body odor can be con­trolled through changes in diet and other meth­ods, the re­searchers said.”

Q

: I worked with a girl for a year be­fore she re­turned to school. We went sep­a­rate ways.

Be­fore, I’d con­fessed to her that I liked her. She said that she’d di­vorced three years ago and wasn’t seek­ing a re­la­tion­ship.

She was telling me No in a nice way. We still-oc­ca­sion­ally com­mu­ni­cate.

My con­fes­sion was a year ago and my feel­ings for her per­sist.

I wish I’d never met her. I’ve been raised in a very tra­di­tional/con­ser­va­tive way. My par­ents take mar­riage and di­vorce very se­ri­ously and it greatly in­flu­enced me.

I still like her. How­ever, I want to for­get and not think about her. What should I do? — Still Up­set

A: Rec­og­nize that your feel­ings are now just fan­tasy re­call. Nei­ther you nor your par­ents would’ve eas­ily ac­cepted her di­vorce. And she was just be­ing hon­est.

Stop con­tact and look to meet some­one who shares your core val­ues. You’ll have those feel­ings again.

TIP OF THE DAY Par­ent­ing styles and money man­ag­ing are com­mon flash points in 2nd /3rd mar­riages. Pro­ceed care­fully.

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