Those who snoop must be pre­pared for find­ings

Cape Breton Post - - OBITUARIES/ADVICE/GAMES - Ellie Tesher


: I’ve been sin­gle for about a year now and am dat­ing quite reg­u­larly.

Some­times I will meet some­one who ticks off all the boxes (sta­ble, em­ployed, emo­tion­ally avail­able, etc.), but I just don’t feel that first-date spark that I’ve felt in the past when I first met pre­vi­ous long-term part­ners.

I’m gen­er­ally quick to let the per­son know that I’m not feel­ing it, so as to save them time and en­ergy. But I’m start­ing to ques­tion whether I’m tak­ing leave too quickly, per­haps miss­ing out on some­thing good.

How much weight should my gut feel­ings hold when it comes to agree­ing to date two or three times?

I’d be happy to get to know some­one a bit bet­ter, but I feel pres­sure to make a de­ci­sion about it sooner rather than later, to not lead any­one on. — Ship Jumper

A: Your sign-off “Ship Jumper” re­veals some­thing you don’t ac­tu­ally say: Dat­ing fright­ens you.

It’s more a race to the fin­ish line, than a jour­ney for youÖ and less about con­cern for lead­ing some­one on, than about get­ting hopes up your­self.

You don’t like mak­ing a mis­take, so won’t give any­one a sec­ond chance if those bells and whis­tles don’t go off at first meet­ing.

Yes, gut feel­ings mat­ter, but you’re lis­ten­ing to a ner­vous gut rather than let­ting it re­lax.

Of course, if a date is to­tally off-putting - some­one who talks only of him­self or her­self, asks no ques­tions about you, is rude to you or oth­ers, has ob­nox­ious habits - that per­son’s a write-off.

(Note that you’re the one who’s made gen­der ir­rel­e­vant in your ques­tion, by not be­ing spe­cific. That’s fine with me, but it’s an­other clue: You’re not forth­com­ing with de­tails about your­self, which may also be why you’re a one-date sam­pler.)

My ad­vice is to re­lax. A first date is only an in­tro­duc­tion, with both sides likely to be some­what ner­vous.

Hu­mour and per­sonal his­tory are more likely to start to be re­vealed when you meet some­one a sec­ond and third time. Be­sides, even if not a match, the per­son may have a friend for you who is. Q

: My boyfriend and I moved in to­gether a month ago.

I picked up his phone and opened a browser and he was look­ing up per­son­als on Craigslist for women.

I then dis­cov­ered he was a mem­ber of over three open sites.

I re­ally love him but I need to know if this is nor­mal or do I need to end it now even though it will hurt? — Up­set

A: You snooped and found. Some­thing prompted it – cu­rios­ity or a sus­pi­cion?

You can ra­tio­nal­ize this “dis­cov­ery” with ma­tu­rity, by re­al­iz­ing that, af­ter only a month of the com­mit­ment to live to­gether, he hadn’t got­ten around to clear­ing his con­tacts with dat­ing sites.

In that case, you could ask him if he’s cut off con­nec­tions with per­sonal dat­ing ads, and dat­ing web­sites, as (pre­sum­ably) you have done.

If he says Yes, you have a prob­lem which you cre­ated. You’d have to ei­ther trust him, or snoop again.

OR, you could ad­mit to him right now that you found this on his phone and you want re­as­sur­ance at this still-early stage that he’s not still seek­ing other women through those sites.

Oth­er­wise, you’ll be check­ing up on him re­peat­edly, which is no way to keep a re­la­tion­ship.

Is an in­ter­est in other women “nor­mal?” Of course. But that doesn’t make it ac­cept­able to a part­ner with whom some­one’s agreed to start shar­ing a life to­gether. Tell him so.


: Find­ing ap­pro­pri­ate help has been over­whelm­ing and in­cred­i­bly dis­cour­ag­ing.

Please rec­om­mend some in­di­vid­ual mem­bers of the As­so­ci­a­tion for Mar­riage and Fam­ily Ther­apy and/or Psy­chol­o­gists.

I’m hav­ing is­sues rooted in de­vel­op­men­tal health (Asperg­ers’) that are wrecking havoc in my mar­riage, which has nearly col­lapsed. — Des­per­ate

A: While I can­not name and rec­om­mend par­tic­u­lar spe­cial­ists, your pur­suit is per­sonal, and the right ques­tions can only come from you.

When you con­tact pro­fes­sional as­so­ci­a­tions of mar­riage coun­sel­lors or psy­chol­o­gists, be clear about your par­tic­u­lar needs and con­cerns.

Ex­am­ple: Of dif­fer­ent ap­proaches that ther­a­pists ap­ply to mar­riage ther­apy, what’s best for your sit­u­a­tion? Ask about costs and time in­volve­ments.

Con­tact your lo­cal Asperg­ers So­ci­ety, too, for guid­ance on how de­vel­op­men­tal health prob­lems af­fect mar­riages.

Sup­port groups are also help­ful, es­pe­cially re­gard­ing changes to watch for dur­ing a life­span with some­one with Asperg­ers.’

The So­ci­ety and the spe­cial­ist who’s made the di­ag­no­sis can di­rect you to lo­cal groups.

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