HUMOUR
Monica Heisey has a new “crystal-clear” take on life.
Our in-house funny person is so into crystals right now.
i’m into crystals now. I’m sure I don’t need to make this announcement—you’ve probably all gathered from Instagram—but sometimes you just have to shout your bliss from the rooftops, or at least make it Facebook Official. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Mom and Dad, close friends and that guy I met when I worked at a restaurant one summer whom I can’t seem to remember to unfriend: I’m into crystals now!
This has been a really exciting journey for me. It began over a week ago, when I started following a bunch of California-based gift shops on Tumblr. Frankly, it was love at first saginite. It wasn’t long before I was seeing crystals everywhere: at hip vintage stores and artisanal ceramic workshops, dangling delicately from the swanlike necks of hip urban florists. The pull of the crystals seemed omnipresent—the shining sacred rocks purifying the air and making me think “Cool.”
I was drawn to them by a power you might call “mystical.” Suddenly, my energy was focused on a priority in my life that hadn’t previously been there: healing my aura in a way that made me look very, very cool. I started with a smooth, curved orb of rose quartz. I’m not a sucker— I didn’t fall for that cutesy carved-into-a-heart-shapeand-then-marked-up-thirty-dollars bit. Oh, no. I paid a reasonable $20 for a hunk of pink rock designed to attract unconditional love and self-love. And, you know, I think it worked! I definitely love myself more in my new life as a Person Who’s into Crystals than I did in my old life as Someone Less Cool. It has been very healing.
My next purchase was a classic: Owning a large hunk of amethyst brought peace, stability and “psychic sobriety” to my life without my even having to learn what psychic sobriety means! Crystals have really opened my eyes to the energies emanating from nature and the fact that you can just buy cool stuff if you want to seem cooler. In the past, I used to worry about not looking trendy and in the know on social media; I would overthink it and work myself into a frenzy before posting a desperate picture of my face—without even a hint of impressive rocks. Now, I just get a manicure and then reach for a piece of hematite and hold it in a beam of sunlight against a white wall. Simply holding the anti-stress stone blocks all that negative energy, so I can take a mystical photo and post it along with a bunch of shooting-star emojis.
The skeptics among you might be thinking “You sound like a caftan-wearing, rosé-drinking Los Angeles divorcee.” To which I say “Thank you, that is exactly what I’m going for!” In my apartment, I’ve even set up a number of different altars to bohemian-looking thin women who probably own crystals and are therefore heroes.
The citrine-head lifestyle is not for everyone, but it has impacted me in ways I can’t really explain. Is it the healing properties of these magical stones? Is it that I have discovered you can literally buy free-spiritedness? Is it that lapis lazuli is the most beautiful and expensive paperweight I’ve ever owned? That’s not for me to say. I am a princess of the New Age, and there is no turning back. Now, can I interest you in a tourmaline? n