Get rid of him for your men­tal health

Journal Pioneer - - LIVING ROOM - Ellie Tesher Read Ellie Mon­day to Satur­day. Email ellie@thes­tar.ca. Fol­low @el­liead­vice. Copy­right 2017: Ellie Tesher Dis­trib­uted by: Torstar Syn­di­ca­tion Ser­vices

Q : On my first date with a co-worker, he said that he loved me, which I felt was too fast too soon. That month, he said that he wanted to have a baby with me. When I said things are mov­ing too fast, he thought that I wasn’t in­ter­ested in the re­la­tion­ship. He’d con­stantly text me at work. He bought me a $78 box of makeup and said I look good in make-up, though pre­vi­ously he’d said he liked me with­out it. He then wanted to marry me on my birth­day. I said again that it’s mov­ing way too fast for me.

I even­tu­ally had to com­plain about him at work be­cause I of­ten felt pres­sured and stressed out. He said that it’s ei­ther mu­tual love or mu­tual leave.

I’m hav­ing a hard time deal­ing with hurt and con­fu­sion, and see­ing him at work.

I was be­gin­ning to feel that he did love me.

How can Ideal with this re­la­tion­ship hav­ing gone bad and for­get about him? I feel guilty for telling on him.

— Hurt and Con­fused A: You’ve been bom­barded by a ma­nip­u­la­tive con­troller. You’re well rid of him for your men­tal health.

Feel no guilt. Feel re­lief in­stead, be­cause a long-term re­la­tion­ship with him would have you far more stressed out, al­ways try­ing to sat­isfy his lat­est wish.

Ev­ery­thing he did/said was de­signed to have you jump­ing to his lat­est com­mand: Love im­me­di­ately, wear no makeup, then start us­ing makeup, marry when I de­cide, etc., etc. No won­der you reached out for help with your com­plaint. That was your in­stinct to save your­self from fur­ther ha­rass­ment. Ma­nip­u­la­tive peo­ple draw you into their plans for them­selves, by try­ing to con­trol you. He loved him­self more than he

loved you.

Q : I re­cently bumped into a man I once dated half a dozen times.

He called me daily and even met me for lunch sev­eral times. Af­ter be­ing away a week with friends, he came to my home. He was ob­vi­ously want­ing to be in­ti­mate, and I thought there was enough in­ter­est and af­fec­tion between us to start a sex­ual re­la­tion­ship.

The sex was okay, though brief. Then he was gone. No con­tact for a week.

I guess it was a form of “ghost­ing.” I fi­nally called him and asked if that one sex act was his sole goal.

He mum­bled that he didn’t think we were go­ing to have a fu­ture, but gave no rea­sons why. When I saw him again - seven years later, me hap­pily mar­ried - I could barely look at him and was very cold.

I don’t un­der­stand why. I wouldn’t want to spend an­other minute with him, so why did I care enough to turn away? — Long Ago Hurt

A: Back then, you felt hu­mil­i­ated and used. He han­dled the in­ci­dent badly with­out any sen­si­tiv­ity.

Time to shed any re­ac­tion, he’s mean­ing­less in your cur­rent life.

BUT you don’t have to be pleas­ant or chatty with him. He cut you cold, you’ve now done the same. It’s even, and over.

FEED­BACK Re­gard­ing the brother’s feud over one’s daugh­ter not hav­ing been asked to be a flower girl at the other’s wed­ding (Sept. 22):

Reader - “No one is win­ning in this feud. As much as it hurts that one’s child wasn’t a flower girl, just for­get it and let it be. “When my son got mar­ried, my daugh­ter was not in­vited to the bride’s girl-only party. It was very hurt­ful. The excuse given: “I for­got.” There were many other hurt­ful ex­am­ples.”

FEED­BACK Re­gard­ing the man seek­ing to date his ther­a­pist (Septem­ber 14):

Reader - “Af­ter two year’s lapse (the time usu­ally re­quired for pro­fes­sional ther­a­pists to con­sider a so­cial re­la­tion­ship with a for­mer client), if he still wants a re­la­tion­ship, he may ap­proach her ask­ing for a so­cial meet­ing.

“Un­til then, he needs to cool off.

“They both may still need to con­tact her col­lege to ask if they may have a sec­ondary re­la­tion­ship, in or­der to com­ply with stan­dards of prac­tice geared to­wards pre­vent­ing sex­ual abuse of a pa­tient.

“In my pro­fes­sion, we are no longer al­lowed to hug pa­tients even in ex­treme cir­cum­stances, such as when they suf­fer be­reave­ment or are con­grat­u­lat­ing one or an­other for a preg­nancy/ birth/ma­jor life event and the client ini­ti­ates it.”

Reader #2 - “It’s rough go­ing to school, do­ing re­search and clin­i­cal place­ments for years, just to be seen as a sex­ual ob­ject af­ter do­ing your job suc­cess­fully!”

TIP OF THE DAY

When pres­sured ro­man­ti­cally by a ma­nip­u­la­tor, know that he/ she is seek­ing to con­trol you.

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