Get pro­fes­sional as­sis­tance when di­vorce is near

Journal Pioneer - - LIVING ROOM - El­lie Tesher Read El­lie Mon­day to Satur­day. Email el­lie@ thes­ Fol­low @el­liead­vice.

My hus­band of 15 years re­cently said that he’s no longer in love with me and needed time to fig­ure things out.

He’s stay­ing with his brother. Our two sons and I are in the fam­ily home which is now for sale.

He rarely vis­its and only talks about the kids or the house. Now, he’s more con­vinced that it’s over for good.

He said that it’s be­cause I keep bring­ing it up and never gave him space.

He’s de­tached and wants to move on.

Is there any chance if I stop talk­ing about us and give it some time?

He doesn’t want a di­vorce, just to sep­a­rate legally, pre­sum­ably be­cause it’s cheaper.

How should I pro­ceed?? I’ve told him that I love him and don’t want to lose our fam­ily.

– Dev­as­tated

Red flags: he’s call­ing all the shots: To sep­a­rate in­stead of di­vorce, and to not al­low you to even talk about your re­la­tion­ship.

I can’t help but think he may’ve al­ready “moved on,” and there’s an­other fu­ture part­ner wait­ing in the wings.

Even if not so, you must talk to a lawyer, and learn your rights and what suits your needs.

It’s shock­ing that the house where his and your chil­dren live, is al­ready for sale. Get your own le­gal ad­vice about that im­me­di­ately to re­view if that’s the right thing for you and the kids.

See your bank man­ager, and an ac­coun­tant or fi­nan­cial ad­viser (not one work­ing with him), and ask about your joint bank ac­counts and any as­sets/in­vest­ments.

By him not al­low­ing dis­cus­sion, the ab­sence of mar­i­tal coun­selling, and you fo­cus­ing only on want­ing him back, you’ve so far ig­nored all the prac­ti­cal con­sid­er­a­tions that’ll af­fect your fu­ture and that of your chil­dren.

Don’t be afraid to con­front him with strength of pur­pose and in­formed knowl­edge about what’s in­volved.

Even if you still love him, he needs to know that he’s deal­ing with an equal whose fu­ture is also at stake, not just his.

Tip of the day

When a spouse de­cides uni­lat­er­ally to sep­a­rate, get legally and fi­nan­cially in­formed, fast.

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