How not to vol­un­teer

Un­in­ter­ested in help­ing out at your child’s school? Voila!

Midtown Post - - Kids - by Kathy Buck­worth

Need some comic re­lief? Whether you’re a Vet­eran Vol­un­teer or a Nancy New­bie, when it comes to help­ing out at your child’s school, here are some ba­sic rules to fol­low if you’ve de­cided vol­un­teer­ing is not re­ally your thing. Just fol­low the rules be­low if you do not want to be asked back.

1. Treat the vol­un­teer­ing as a way to spend one-on-one time with your child and get an ex­tended in­ter­view with the teacher while you’re at it. Who cares about those kids wan­der­ing down by the creek? You need to know if your lit­tle Kale re­ally is the best at glu­ing.

2. Teach­ers clearly in­vite you to vol­un­teer so that you can cor­rect them when they ad­dress the chil­dren and give them instructions. They need to “keep it real” with the par­ents, so tell them to throw that teach­ing de­gree out the win­dow and have a new mom of a four-year-old give tips on what it’s like to be a real par­ent.

3. What’s that you hear? Ju­niper’s mom and dad are get­ting di­vorced? Jasper has been late 14 times this month? Is it re­ally true that the art teacher and the French teacher are in­volved in a pas de deux? Make sure you spread this info far and wide.

4. Yawn. What’s the time? Did you say you’d stop by the school at 9 a.m. to help out with the farm field trip? But there’s a new Pi­lates class start­ing up at the gym.… Surely by now the kids know that a farm com­bine isn’t safe to climb on.

5. Did you hear that Destiny’s dad brought or­ganic quinoa balls for the class the last time he vol­un­teered? You can top that. Bring in snacks, but don’t ask the teacher first.

6. Of course, your chil­dren are too pre­cious to take a gross school bus to the art gallery. You’d never sub­ject them to such sav­agery just to get to school, so why shouldn’t they ride in your Lexus SUV? You can bring a spe­cial friend of theirs too. Don’t worry about telling the teacher that you have them; surely, they know who the good moth­ers are by now!

7. It’s Sports Day! Don’t lis­ten when the teacher says the kids aren’t sup­posed to con­sider them­selves win­ners or losers. Tell the kids on the win­ning team that they’re killing it. Let the less ath­let­i­cally in­clined ones know that they might want to play fewer video games and do more Cross­Fit.

8. Oh, so that’s how the teacher likes to run quiet time? Re­ally. In­stead of talk­ing to the teach, go straight to the prin­ci­pal. Teach­ers love that on­go­ing con­struc­tive crit­i­cism.

9. Go through the teach­ers’ desks when you get the chance. For safety pur­poses. You just never know.

10. Fi­nally, just in case they’ve for­got­ten, re­mind teach­ers they had the whole sum­mer off and now you’re do­ing part of their job, so they should con­sider them­selves lucky to have such a cushy gig com­pared to when you worked cor­po­rate be­fore you de­cided stay­ing at home to per­son­ally raise your chil­dren into fine hu­man be­ings was more im­por­tant.

Oh, and then ask how her kids are do­ing with the new babysit­ter.

Buck­worth sure knows how to skip out on vol­un­teer­ing

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