CORNER Curses on Swearing
When we moved from the city we knew there would be things we missed like friends, family, shopping etc, and we also knew that there would be a lot of things we could do without, city traffic being top of the list. Traffic was the source of a lot of stress and when you are forced to spend so much time every day coping with the ever-increasing tidal wave of city traffic something will happen. For me, that something is usually having to react to selfish or inconsiderate drivers that I share our roads with. That experience definitely results in an obscene tirade of descriptive adjectives and adverbs, mixed generously with vigorous hand gestures. In other words, I swear, curse and use simple but easily-understood sign language, but that is where my anger usually ends. Sometimes after my display, I often think I could have handled that better, perhaps with humour.
We enjoy the quiet pace of our rural traffic and occasionally there are minor misunderstandings like when four cars arrive at a four-way stop at the same time and try to leave at the same time. In our area, chances are pretty good that at least 3 of the 4 drivers will know each other so the verbal exchanges and gestures will be under ones breath and under ones dashboard. Recently, I had to travel Vancouver and when I was caught up in “rush” hour and had to deal with the stereotypical city drivers I used to love to hate, I was able to use language and gestures I thought were long forgotten.
I will admit that my hand gestures and cursing are lame and unimaginative and could use a little 2018 upgrade, so I have been working on my vocal and physical deliveries. Vocally, I have been inspired by classic swearers like Yosemite Sam with some snappy phrases like, “Blast your scuppers, ya barnacle bitten bait cutting landlubber” or maybe a Shakespearian- ish-a-tude, “I am sick when I look upon thee”. There are some beautifully descriptive swear words that can be gleaned from old western movies, but daggnabbit, I’ll be galldanged and f l i bberbaited if I share any flapdooling cussin’ words with you hairy bucktoothed prairie varmints…if you know what I mean.
It seems there are only so many understandable hand gestures that fellow drivers can understand like a pointing finger to the side of the head meaning, “You’re crazy”, or just pointing a middle finger meaning…well…. By flashing all five fingers, you can allow the fingee to interpret the message as the situation dictates. I have a new gesture that can be somewhat insulting as intended, but in a hilarious (to me) way. I have cleverly named this move the “Pick, Point and Flick”…where do I come up with these? When you have the attention of the “intended” put your pointy finger up your nose, pretend to root around inside your nostril and then remove and point at the “intended” and flick towards them. I find that move to be very satisfying but even more so if you say out loud, “I pick my nose and flick it towards you”. Your “intended” will get the message but if he can read lips he gets the double whammy. I think that inventive use of descriptive expletives can result in an almost poetic phrasing that hopefully should leave the intended wondering what they have heard. Was that a putdown? Was that a compliment? Was that a criticism? Was that a denunciation?...all of which are kind of a cuss words in themselves. I hope my ability to imprecate improves with time, and if we meet simultaneously at the 4-way stop and I upset you…please don’t Pick, Point and Flick.