A satire on the per­ils of re­new­able en­ergy in Canada

Moose Jaw Times Herald - - OPINION - ROBERT THOMAS

those who re­lease too much car­bon. Or at least that’s the the­ory.

Prob­lem is, it hits Saskatchewan’s econ­omy hard and Premier Brad Wall knows it.

But there are ways out of this car­bon ad­dic­tion and En­vi­ros are all too ea­ger to tell us to in­vest in re­new­ables, but just don’t ask them for the money. Nope, nada not a chance on that one.

So let’s erect wind tur­bines and gen­er­ate free elec­tric­ity. A calm­ing swoosh, a bit of a hum and a ru­moured dis­ori­ent­ing mag­netic field doesn’t sound too bad to rid our­selves of car­bon. And a few mil­lion dead bats; that’s noth­ing.

Just think­ing of all of those poor bats at the mercy of wind tur­bine blades gives me the willies. I may de­cry the loss of bats but the mosquitoes out there def­i­nitely ap­plaud it. It gets me won­der­ing if in­stead of tur­bine blades they sub­sti­tute mas­sive fly swat­ters to re­duce the mos­quito pop­u­la­tion.

Peo­ple might ac­tu­ally pay to have tur­bines next to their homes if it keeps the mosquitoes at bay while bar­be­cu­ing. Oh yeah will you take that hot dog a lit­tle warmed or thor­oughly cooked? Be­cause the elec­tric­ity, char­coal or propane you’re cook­ing with has a Car­bon Tax on it too. There just is no win­ning here it seems. And what about so­lar? Well, so­lar farms take up lots of space and the glare off of pan­els has been de­scribed as blind­ing or like a tan­ning bed in law­suits filed in Eng­land. And what about the loss of nat­u­ral habi­tat for our much-ma­ligned go­phers?

I can see re­ports of go­pher blind­ness and sun­burns pour­ing in al­ready. We will have to pro­vide ev­ery go­pher with ac­cess to an au­to­mated sun­screen applicator – SPF 50 of course – plus the lat­est and most pop­u­lar style of UV pro­tec­tion sunglasses. This is Gainer coun­try and his bud­dies al­ways need to look cool.

The new world of en­vi­ron­men­tal­ism is not anti-progress. You can pave over par­adise just so long as you don’t use car­bon to do it, with all apolo­gies to Joni Mitchell.

It’s enough to get more blood to boil than the guy liv­ing down the street who runs around wear­ing a Cal­gary Stam­ped­ers jer­sey and it’s not even laun­dry day. But boil­ing blood might ac­tu­ally be a good thing. In or­der to af­ford to heat your home you will need to turn the ther­mo­stat down and run around the house in a ski­doo suit. If your blood is boil­ing maybe you can sur­vive a win­ter or three.

Dat­ing will change with a Car­bon Tax. The most de­sir­able catch will be the one with the high­est Ra­di­ant Heat In­di­ca­tor or RHI. You could marry some­one with a low RHI and turn the ther­mo­stat up, but the dreaded Car­bon Tax is al­ways in your head as you shiver in bed.

And what about di­vorce laws? Shouldn’t you be able to get an im­me­di­ate di­vorce and re­marry if your sig­nif­i­cant other has a low RHI? A one-year “cool­ing off pe­riod” has to be cruel and un­usual pun­ish­ment if I ever heard of one. Peo­ple are go­ing to freeze ly­ing in bed alone for sure in that year.

It leaves me think­ing where does Trudeau come from to think up this non­sense? Then I re­mem­ber he’s in Ot­tawa and sud­denly it all makes sense. That’s a dis­tant planet for sure, or at least you can­not see it from Saskatchewan. So much for the tourist slo­gan about be­ing able to see for­ever from here.

So as Lizzie May rides down the Trans Canada on her elec­tric pow­ered bicycle and Justin stops his Tesla for another selfie, car­bon will be taxed into obliv­ion along with Saskatchewan’s econ­omy. A Green vic­tory over the dreaded four-let­ter word, car­bon.

But how can car­bon be a word you ask?

Sim­ple. Be­cause even men­tion­ing car­bon to farm­ers, busi­nesses, the oil patch and fam­i­lies just try­ing to scrape by, who wants to bet Lizzie and Justin aren’t met with a bar­rage of four let­ter words that will soon be­come syn­ony­mous with car­bon? Any tak­ers? four-let­ter

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