SAV­AGE LOVE

NOW Magazine - - CONTENTS - By Dan Sav­age mail@sav­agelove.net @fakedansav­age on Twit­ter ITMFA.org

Bro needs to chill

My brother just broke up with his girl­friend for the sec­ond time in eight months. They had been to­gether for two and a half years, and she be­came pretty dis­con­tent when she fin­ished col­lege and my brother en­tered law school be­cause all his time and at­ten­tion weren’t re­volv­ing around her. In Jan­uary, she staged this bizarre, soap-op­er­aesque sit­u­a­tion to make my brother jeal­ous, and then broke up with him when he re­acted pre­dictably. (This is not spec­u­la­tion – she ad­mit­ted to it.) After the breakup, my brother be­came a mess of a per­son – sob­bing all the time and talk­ing about her to any­one and every­one. At the risk of sound­ing in­sen­si­tive, he was un­bear­able. Then, against the ad­vice of my fam­ily, he started talk­ing to her again and they got back to­gether. The sec­ond breakup came after he snooped and found out she had been tex­ting her ex-boyfriend. She was telling that guy that she was try­ing to line up her next boyfriend while still dat­ing my brother. They broke up again, and he’s now back in the same sit­u­a­tion. He started back at school yes­ter­day. He al­most fucked that up last time be­cause of her bull­shit, and I don’t want to see that hap­pen again. Ad­di­tion­ally, I feel bad this hap­pened – I re­ally do – but I don’t have the time or pa­tience to have the same con­ver­sa­tion with him a mil­lion times. It’s ex­haust­ing and an­noy­ing.

Now Over Brother’s Re­la­tion­ship Ob­ses­sion

Your brother is an adult. (I mean, pre­sum­ably he’s an adult – they’re not let­ting mi­nors into law school these days, are they?) And since he’s an adult, NOBRO, you can’t stop him from mak­ing ter­ri­ble choices or the same ter­ri­ble choice over and over again. But here’s the good news, NOBRO: You’re an adult, too! And just as you can’t force your brother to stay away from this toxic POS, your brother can’t force you to con­verse with him all day long about pol­i­tics or his POS ex or Game Of Thrones turn­ing into Star Trek. (Sud­denly, only char­ac­ters we don’t care about die on GoT. I half ex­pect to see red shirts on the ex­tras in season 7.) And if your brother makes the mis­take of get­ting back to­gether with this woman a sec­ond time, your adult ears don’t have to lis­ten to his adult ass com­plain end­lessly about the by-now-pre­dictable con­se­quences of his ter­ri­ble choices. If you’re feel­ing anx­ious about con­ver­sa­tions you fear be­ing dragged into, NOBRO, let your brother know you’re done lis­ten­ing to him sob about his ex. “It was id­i­otic to take her back the first time,” you could say. “But, hey, we all do id­i­otic things from time to time, par­tic­u­larly where our love lives are con­cerned. You would have to be an id­iot, how­ever, to take her back a sec­ond time. Per­son­ally, bro, I don’t think you should waste another sec­ond of your life pin­ing for that ma­nip­u­la­tive piece of shit. I’m def­i­nitely not wast­ing another minute of my life dis­cussing her with you. So how about Jon Snow get­ting out that frozen lake full of zom­bies, huh? Ap­par­ently hy­pother­mia isn’t a thing in the Seven King­doms.”

It’s bang­town time

My ex-boyfriend and i were to­gether for a year and a half. He is a sil­ver fox who is sig­nif­i­cantly older than me. I was 23 when we met and he was 58. It was sup­posed to be a fling, but it evolved into a beau­ti­ful ro­mance. But after much con­sid­er­a­tion (he has a va­sec­tomy and al­ready has four kids and will be re­tir­ing soon), we ended it three months ago. It was heart­break­ing, but we made a con­scious de­ci­sion to be close friends and talk ev­ery day. Out of the blue last week, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I don’t, but I was coin­ci­den­tally about to go on my first date since the breakup. He pro­ceeded to tell me he “kinda” has a new girl­friend, a woman closer to his age. This was not some­thing I wanted to hear, which he could tell from the si­lence that met this dis­clo­sure. This con­ver­sa­tion ru­ined my week­end. I have been un­able to eat or sleep. The guy I went on a date with was sexy – not a love con­nec­tion, but a bang­town prospect – but I was too emo­tion­ally fucked to do any­thing with him. Do I ex­plain these thoughts to my ex? Let time do the heal­ing? Why did my ex feel the need to tell me about his new girl­friend?

Heart­bro­ken Over New Ex’s Yummy

Your ex told you about his new girl­friend be­cause you two are close friends, right? And close friends typ­i­cally con­fide in each other about their love lives, don’t they? And that’s what you wanted, isn’t it? Back­ing up: It’s al­ways in­spir­ing when two peo­ple man­age to sal­vage a friend­ship after their ro­man­tic re­la­tion­ship ends. But it’s not pos­si­ble – it’s cer­tainly not on any­one’s list of breakup best prac­tices – to go in an in­stant from lovers to besties who talk on the phone ev­ery day. You got your heart bro­ken, HONEY, and only time can cau­ter­ize that par­tic­u­lar wound. Your re­ac­tion to the news that your ex has a new girl­friend proves your post-breakup friend­ship wasn’t a “con­scious de­ci­sion” but an ill-ad­vised rush. And while the phys­i­cal as­pect of your re­la­tion­ship with Mr. Sil­ver Fox ended three months ago, you never got out of each other’s pants emo­tion­ally. (A bruised ego might also be con­tribut­ing to your in­abil­ity to eat or sleep – he got over you faster than you got over him.) I don’t think you should ex­plain any­thing to your ex right now, HONEY, be­cause I don’t think you should talk to your ex for the next six months or so. You need to get on with your life – and get­ting on that new guy is a good place to start.

Ex strat­egy

i’M a 26-year-old het­ero­sex­ual fe­Male, and I was re­cently dumped by my boyfriend. He was my first love and the per­son I lost my vir­gin­ity to. We’d been see­ing each other for a little over a year. I had sex with some­one else while I was see­ing my ex (it was a more ca­sual re­la­tion­ship in the be­gin­ning). I wanted more, and I’m not 100 per cent sure but think that’s what scared him off. I went into a de­pres­sion and started see­ing a ther­a­pist. This all hap­pened a little more than a month ago. Friends tell me that the “best way to get over some­one is to get un­der some­one else,” but I’m not sure what to do. I’m pretty sure I’m do­ing the thing I shouldn’t be do­ing: hold­ing out hope my ex will de­cide he made a hor­ri­ble de­ci­sion and want to be with me again. I know it is id­i­otic to have this hope. Can you give me some di­rec­tion?

Don’t Un­der­es­ti­mate My Pain

This may not be help­ful in the short term, DUMP, but it’s not id­i­otic to hold out hope your ex will take you back. It could hap­pen – in­deed, it has hap­pened for lots of folks. I have two friends who are mar­ried to men who dumped them, re­gret­ted it and begged to be taken back. The trick, how­ever, is to as­sume it won’t hap­pen and make a con­scious ef­fort to get on with your life. (And, if nec­es­sary, a con­scious ef­fort to get un­der some­one else.) Your boyfriend/first love/first fuck dumped you a little more than a month ago – you’re al­lowed, one month and change later, to live in hope of a rec­on­cil­i­a­tion. Odds are good, though, that it’s a false hope, DUMP, so don’t pass on any solid of­fers and keep see­ing that ther­a­pist.

On the Love­cast, par­ents, talk smart to your kids about sex: sav­agelove­cast.com.

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