Sav­age Love

NOW Magazine - - SAVAGE LOVE - mail@sav­agelove.net @fakedansav­age on Twit­ter ITMFA.org By Dan Sav­age

Gay girls have it bet­ter

My teenage daugh­ter just caMe out to us as gay. We told her we love her and sup­port her. As a het­ero­sex­ual, cis­gen­der mother, how do I make sure she gets good ad­vice about sex? I don’t want her learn­ing from other kids or porn. Do you know of any good, sex-pos­i­tive ad­vice books for les­bian teens?

My In­spir­ing Daugh­ter De­serves Les­bian Ed­u­ca­tion

“I wish ev­ery par­ent felt this way about their child’s sex­ual de­vel­op­ment, re­gard­less of the child’s gen­der iden­tity or sex­ual ori­en­ta­tion,” said Peggy Oren­stein, au­thor of Girls & Sex: Nav­i­gat­ing The Com­pli­cated New Land­scape. “All young peo­ple – girls es­pe­cially – need open, hon­est dis­cus­sions about sex­ual ethics, in­clud­ing talk­ing about plea­sure, re­spect, de­ci­sion-mak­ing and rec­i­proc­ity, or we are leav­ing them at the mercy of the mes­sages they get from both the main­stream and “adult” en­ter­tain­ment in­dus­tries.” Oren­stein’s book – re­quired read­ing for par­ents of girls and boys – drives home the need for com­pre­hen­sive sex-ed­u­ca­tion pro­grams em­pha­siz­ing the giv­ing and re­ceiv­ing of plea­sure. In the ab­sence of sex-ed pro­grams that em­power girls to see them­selves not just as in­stru­ments of an­other’s plea­sure but as au­ton­o­mous in­di­vid­u­als with a right to ex­pe­ri­ence sex­ual plea­sure – with a part­ner or on their own – girls wind up hav­ing a lot of con­sen­sual but crappy sex. That said, MID­DLE, one big take­away from Oren­stein’s re­search should come as a com­fort to you: bi and les­bian girls en­joy an ad­van­tage over their het­ero­sex­ual peers. “In some ways, MID­DLE can feel more con­fi­dent about her daugh­ter as a gay girl,” said Oren­stein. “Les­bian and bi­sex­ual girls I spoke to for Girls & Sex would talk about feel­ing lib­er­ated to go “off the script” – by which they meant the script that leads lock­step to in­ter­course – and cre­ate en­coun­ters that truly worked for them. I ended up feel­ing that het­ero girls – and boys, too – could learn a lot from their gay and bi­sex­ual fe­male peers. And I don’t mean by watch­ing oth­er­wise straight girls make out on the dance floor for the ben­e­fit of guys.” Since gay and bi­sex­ual girls can’t de­fault to PIV in­ter­course, and since there’s not a boy in the room whose needs/dick/ego they’ve been so­cial­ized to pri­or­i­tize, queer girls have more egal­i­tar­ian and, not co­in­ci­den­tally, more sat­is­fy­ing sex­ual en­coun­ters. “Young women are more likely to mea­sure their own sat­is­fac­tion by the yard­stick of their part­ner’s plea­sure,” said Oren­stein. “So het­ero­sex­ual girls will say things such as, ‘If he’s sex­u­ally sat­is­fied, then I’m sex­u­ally sat­is­fied.’ Men, by con­trast, are more likely to mea­sure sat­is­fac­tion by their own or­gasm. But the in­vest­ment girls ex­press in their part­ner’s plea­sure re­mains true re­gard­less of that per­son’s gen­der. So the or­gasm gap we see among het­ero­sex­u­als (75 per cent of men re­port they come reg­u­larly in sex­ual en­coun­ters ver­sus 29 per cent of women) dis­ap­pears in same-sex en­coun­ters. Young women with same-sex part­ners cli­max at the same rate as het­ero­sex­ual men.” As for good, sex-pos­i­tive re­sources for teens of all iden­ti­ties and ori­en­ta­tions, Oren­stein had some great rec­om­men­da­tions. “I’m a big fan of Heather Corinna’s S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sex­u­al­ity Guide To Get You Through Your Teens And Twen­ties,” said Oren­stein. “She also pro­duces the Scar­leteen.com web­site, which is fab­u­lous. Other in­clu­sive, sex-pos­i­tive, med­i­cally ac­cu­rate web­sites in­clude Sex­etc.org and Goaskalice.columbia.edu. And MID­DLE could think about giv­ing her daugh­ter a sub­scrip­tion to OM­GYes.com, an ex­plicit (but not tawdry) site that ed­u­cates about the sci­ence of fe­male plea­sure. And fi­nally, I think ev­ery­one who is a woman – or has had sex with a woman or ever hopes to – should read Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are. Even if you think you know it all, Nagoski’s book will trans­form your sex life.” Fol­low Oren­stein on Twit­ter @peg­gy­oren­stein.

Hubby is play­ing you

My hus­band and I are cur­rently sep­a­rated on a trial ba­sis. He took all our con­doms when he moved out, and I want to ask him if he plans on hav­ing sex with other women. I don’t have any in­ten­tion of sleep­ing with other peo­ple while sep­a­rated, but I think he may be in­ter­ested in do­ing so, in part since we have been sex­u­ally ac­tive only with each other and he is try­ing to “find him­self.” If ei­ther of us were to have ex­tra­mar­i­tal sex with­out the con­sent of the other, I would con­sider that cheat­ing. We’ve also been hav­ing sex with each other through­out our sep­a­ra­tion. But my hus­band re­fuses to dis­cuss this as­pect of our sep­a­ra­tion. He will dis­cuss only co­par­ent­ing or fi­nan­cial is­sues. I would be okay with him hav­ing ca­sual sex but not a ro­man­tic sex­ual re­la­tion­ship.

Won­der­ing If Fidelity En­force­able

Tak­ing the con­doms + re­fus­ing to dis­cuss the sex­ual terms of your sep­a­ra­tion = your hus­band is al­most cer­tainly fuck­ing other women. He prob­a­bly fig­ures it’ll be eas­ier to get your for­give­ness af­ter the fact than to get your per­mis­sion in ad­vance – and if you don’t get back to­gether, WIFE, he won’t even have to ask for for­give­ness. If your hus­band re­fuses to have a di­a­logue about the sex­ual as­pect of your sep­a­ra­tion, then you’ll have to make him lis­ten to a mono­logue. Tell him you as­sume he’s hav­ing sex with other peo­ple and, if that’s not the case, he’ll have to use his words to per­suade you oth­er­wise. If he sits there in si­lence, or his words are un­per­sua­sive, tell him you now feel free to have sex with other peo­ple, too. And while you can ask him not to en­ter into a ro­man­tic sex­ual re­la­tion­ship with any­one else, WIFE, you ul­ti­mately can’t con­trol how he feels about who he’s fuck­ing while he’s out there find­ing him­self. If you aren’t com­fort­able fuck­ing your hus­band while he’s fuck­ing other women – and he al­most cer­tainly is fuck­ing other women – let him know that and cut him off.

You need demi-clar­ity

I’M a 32-year-old straIght Male. Back in April, I met this girl. She seemed in­ter­ested, but be­fore we went out, she told me that she is a demi­sex­ual. (I had to google it.) Af­ter a few dates, she had me over to her place, we watched a movie and started mak­ing out. But when I started to put my hand be­tween her legs, she calmly said, “Let’s not get ahead of our­selves.” No prob­lem, I told her, I wasn’t try­ing to rush her. Fast-for­ward a couple months. We’re still go­ing on dates, we hug and kiss, we hold hands, we cud­dle on the couch and watch movies – but still no sex. Is demi­sex­u­al­ity real? Should I keep pur­su­ing her?

Is She In­ter­ested To­tally Or Not?

Demi­sex­u­als are real peo­ple who “do not ex­pe­ri­ence sex­ual at­trac­tion un­less they form a strong emo­tional bond,” ac­cord­ing to the def­i­ni­tion at Asex­u­al­ity.org. We used to call peo­ple who needed to feel a strong emo­tional bond be­fore want­ing to fuck some­one peo­ple who, you know, needed to feel a strong emo­tional bond be­fore want­ing to fuck some­one. But a seven-syl­la­ble, clin­i­cal-sound­ing term that prospec­tive part­ners need to google – demi­sex­u­al­ity – is ob­vi­ously far su­pe­rior to a short, ex­plana­tory sen­tence that doesn’t re­quire in­ter­net ac­cess to un­der­stand. You’ve shown re­spect for this woman’s sex­ual ori­en­ta­tion, ISITON, now it’s her turn to show some re­spect for yours. I don’t mean by putting out if she’s not ready or not in­ter­ested, but by of­fer­ing you some clar­ity about when or whether she’ll ever be in­ter­ested. You’re seek­ing a ro­man­tic re­la­tion­ship that in­cludes sex – which is not un­rea­son­able – and you’ve demon­strated a will­ing­ness to make an emo­tional in­vest­ment be­fore a re­la­tion­ship be­comes sex­ual. You don’t (or shouldn’t) want her to con­sent to sex un­der duress – you don’t (or shouldn’t) want her to have sex just to keep you com­ing over for cud­dles – but if she doesn’t see you as a prospec­tive ro­man­tic and sex­ual part­ner, ISITON, she should tell you that. If this re­la­tion­ship isn’t on track to be­come sex­ual, tell her you’re open to be­ing friends – truly in­ti­mate friends – but you’ll have to di­rect your ro­man­tic at­ten­tions (and more of your time) else­where.

On the Love­cast, co­me­dian Amy Miller. Lis­ten up at sav­agelove­cast.com.

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