Sav­age Love

NOW Magazine - - SAVAGE LOVE - On the Love­cast: Fi­nally, a toy to help you DO YOUR KEGELS! Lis­ten at sav­agelove­ mail@sav­ @fakedansav­age on Twit­ter By Dan Sav­age

First-time daddy

I’m a 67-year-old gay man. af­ter a breakup 15 years ago, I be­lieved the pos­si­bil­ity of emo­tional and sex­ual in­ti­macy with a part­ner was over for me. Then a cou­ple of months ago, my de­sire for sex­ual con­tact in­creased dra­mat­i­cally. For the first time, I be­gan us­ing apps, and I felt like the proverbial kid in a candy store; it seemed strangely sim­i­lar to when I first came out in San Fran­cisco’s Cas­tro neigh­bor­hood in the early 1970s. Also, I was sur­prised – not un­pleas­antly – by the whole Daddy phe­nom­e­non, never imag­in­ing that this old face and body would in­ter­est younger men. You can prob­a­bly guess what hap­pened next: I was con­tacted by a 22-year-old man who re­vealed him­self to be ma­ture, in­tel­li­gent, sweet and, fa­tally, the phys­i­cal type that arouses me most. I fell hard, and he seems to like me too. Am I a creep? A fool? Is my judg­ment im­paired?

Dumb And Daddy

The sexy “Daddy” thing – which has al­ways been with us – seems to be un­der­go­ing a resur­gence. Per­haps our om­nipresent abu­sive or­ange fa­ther fig­ure is giv­ing us all daddy is­sues that are man­i­fest­ing (in some) as a burn­ing de­sire to ser­vice kinder, sex­ier, more benev­o­lent dad­dies. Or per­haps the in­ter­net is to blame – not for cre­at­ing more peo­ple in­ter­ested in in­ter­gen­er­a­tional sex and/or ro­mance, but for mak­ing it eas­ier for peo­ple to anony­mously seek out the kind of sex and kinds of sex part­ners they truly want. Even if the ini­tial look­ing is anony­mous, DAD, dis­cussing one’s de­sires with oth­ers who share them helps peo­ple grow more com­fort­able with their de­sires and them­selves – noth­ing melts away shame quite like know­ing you’re not alone – and more peo­ple are com­ing out about their non-nor­ma­tive sex­ual de­sires, part­ner pref­er­ences, re­la­tion­ship mod­els, etc., than ever be­fore. That said, DAD, if the af­fec­tions of a con­sent­ing adult 40-plus years your ju­nior is your par­tic­u­lar perk of ag­ing, go ahead and en­joy it. Keep your ex­pec­ta­tions re­al­is­tic (a suc­cess­ful STR is like­lier than a suc­cess­ful LTR), don’t do any­thing stupid (see Fa­ther Clements, be­low) and reac­quaint your­self with my con­stantly up­dated and re­vised Camp­site Rule: When there’s a sig­nif­i­cant age and/or ex­pe­ri­ence gap, the older and/or more ex­pe­ri­enced per­son has a re­spon­si­bil­ity to leave the younger and/or less ex­pe­ri­enced per­son in bet­ter shape than they found them. No un­planned or planned preg­nan­cies, no sex­u­ally trans­mit­ted in­fec­tions, no lead­ing the younger part­ner to be­lieve “for­ever” is likely. Do what you can to boost their knowl­edge, skills and self-con­fi­dence while you’re to­gether, and do your best to stick the nearly in­evitable dis­mount – the chances that you’ll be to­gether for­ever are slim, but you can for­ever be a friend, men­tor and re­source. While the age dif­fer­ence will creep some out, DAD, that doesn’t mean you’re a creep. Don’t want to be a fool? Don’t do any­thing fool­ish (see Fa­ther Clements, be­low). Wor­ried about in­fat­u­a­tion-im­paired judg­ment lead­ing you to do some­thing fool­ish? Ask a few trusted friends to smack you up­side the head if you start pay­ing his rent or lend­ing him your credit cards. And just as you don’t want to take ad­van­tage of this young man, DAD, you don’t want to be taken ad­van­tage of ei­ther. We as­so­ciate age with power, but youth and beauty con­fer their own kinds of power, and that power can be abused – it can also lead seem­ingly sen­si­ble men to sign their life sav­ings over to 24-year-old Ro­ma­nian “mod­els.” For ex­am­ple: “A 79-year-old re­tired priest has been left heart­bro­ken and home­less af­ter his 24-year-old hus­band left him just af­ter their home was put into his name,” LGBTQ Na­tion re­ported. “Philip Clements sold his home in Kent, Eng­land, for £214,750, be­fore mov­ing to Ro­ma­nia and pur­chas­ing an apart­ment for the cou­ple to live in in Bucharest. He signed over the prop­erty to Florin Marin, so that Marin would have se­cu­rity af­ter he passed away… Marin broke things off just weeks af­ter the apart­ment was put in his name, and Clements found him­self home­less.” Keep Fa­ther Clements’s sad story in mind, DAD, but don’t be par­a­lyzed by it. Be­cause there are lots of ex­am­ples of lov­ing, last­ing, non-creepy, non-fool­ish re­la­tion­ships be­tween part­ners with sig­nif­i­cant age gaps out there. So en­joy this while it lasts, and if things start to get creepy – if he starts shop­ping for an apart­ment in Bucharest – then you’ll have to pull the plug. But if this turns into a lov­ing, last­ing, healthy, and un­con­ven­tional LTR, DAD, then one day he’ll get to pull your plug. (When that day comes, which hope­fully won’t be for a long, long time.)

What’s the 411, cuck?

some­one at work – not my boss – asked me to fuck his wife. He’s a nice guy, his wife is hot and I’m sin­gle. This is a first for me. Be­sides STI sta­tus, what ques­tions should I ask? Help In­ter­ested Straight Boy Un­der­stand

Lust’s Lim­i­ta­tions

1. “Are you a cuck­old or is this a hot wife thing?” (Con­sid­er­ing your sign-off, HISBULL, ei­ther you’ve as­sumed he’s a cuck­old or he’s told you he is one. If he is a cuck, he may want dirty texts and pic­tures – or he’ll want to be in the room where it hap­pens. Is that okay with you?) 2. “Have you done this be­fore?” (The re­al­ity of an­other per­son sleep­ing with your up-to-now-monog­a­mous spouse can dredge up in­tense emo­tions, e.g., jeal­ousy, sad­ness, anger, rage. If they’ve done this be­fore and en­joyed it, you can jump right in. If they haven’t, maybe start with a make-out ses­sion at a time or in a place where you can’t progress to sex.) 3. “Can I speak di­rectly with your wife?” (You’ll want to make sure she isn’t do­ing this un­der duress and that she’s into you, and you’ll want to in­de­pen­dently ver­ify the things he’s told you about their ar­range­ment, health, ex­pe­ri­ences, etc.)

GF has worm fetish

I re­cently started see­Ing a gor­geous 24-year-old wo­man who’s smart and sweet and also hap­pens to have a few out-there fetishes. There’s not much I’ll say no to, Dan, but one of the things she’s into is formi­cophilia (a sex­ual in­ter­est in be­ing crawled on or nib­bled by in­sects). I of­fered to get some ants and worms to crawl on her body while I fuck her, but she wants me to put earth­worms in her vagina. Is there a safe way to do this? Fe­male con­dom? I want to help, but putting worms in your vagina seems like it will end with an em­bar­rass­ing trip to the ER.

Wor­ries Over Re­ally Messy Sce­nario

“I thought I had heard ev­ery­thing,” said Dr. Jen Gunter, an ob-gyn in San Fran­cisco. “Ap­par­ently not.” Dr. Gunter, “Twit­ter’s res­i­dent gy­ne­col­o­gist,” first went vi­ral when she urged women not to put jade eggs in their vagi­nas, just one of the many id­io­cies pushed by the id­iots at Goop, Gwyneth Pal­trow’s id­i­otic “life­style” web­site. Last week, Dr. Gunter had to urge women and men not to shoot coffee up their butts, also rec­om­mended by Goop. So I thought she might have some­thing to say about stuff­ing earth­worms in your girl­friend’s vagina. “This is ob­vi­ously un­stud­ied,” Dr. Gunter said, “but any­thing that lives in soil could eas­ily in­oc­u­late the vagina with path­o­genic bac­te­ria. Also, I am not sure what earth­worm in­nards could do to the vagina, but I am guess­ing the worms would get squished and meet an un­timely demise dur­ing sex. How would you get the pieces of dead earth­worm out of her vagina? I can think of a lot of ways this could go very wrong. I would ad­vise against it.” I’m with Dr. Gunter (and, no doubt, PETA): Don’t stuff earth­worms in your girl­friend’s vagina. That said, WORMS, tucking a few earth­worms into a fe­male con­dom and care­fully in­sert­ing it into your girl­friend’s vagina with­out shov­ing your cock in there too… is a thor­oughly dis­gust­ing thing to con­tem­plate and blech. But while it would most likely kill the earth­worms (maybe switch ’em out for gummy worms at the last se­cond?), it prob­a­bly wouldn’t dam­age your girl­friend or land you both in the ER. Even so, WORMS, don’t do it. Be­cause blech. Read Dr. Gunter’s blog (dr­jen­gunter.word­, fol­low her on Twit­ter (@ Dr­Jen­Gunter), and check out her new column in the New York Times (The Cy­cle).

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