Stop the cheat­ing — or end the re­la­tion­ship

Ottawa Citizen - - YOU - EL­LIE TESHER Read El­lie Mon­day to Satur­day. Email el­lie@thes­tar.ca. Fol­low @el­liead­vice.

Q I’m 28, in a re­la­tion­ship for seven months ( best friends for 10 years). We’ve talked about mov­ing in next year, kids and mar­riage.

How­ever, a cou­ple of months ago, I saw on his phone that he was look­ing on­line for bi-ex­per­i­men­ta­tion.

While he never went through with it, it shocked me based on sit­u­a­tions in my past re: cheat­ing and ly­ing.

He’s since been see­ing a sex ther­a­pist, be­cause he has a much-lower li­bido than me, and to sort out his is­sues re­gard­ing sex.

His ex-girl­friend had put him down for want­ing to try cer­tain things with her, so he’s al­ways been afraid.

With me, he wor­ried that due to his lower sex drive, he wasn’t pleas­ing me.

When I dis­cov­ered his emails, I went crazy, feel­ing hurt and lost. That week, I started an affair. It’s still on.

I feel like crap some­times be­cause I’m so op­posed to cheat­ing. But I’m al­most re­lieved that I could have this side, and this me time.

I feel badly be­cause he’s work­ing hard on him­self, de­voted to me and our fu­ture.

I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I just don’t know why I don’t feel bad enough to end this affair.

Con­fused and Cheat­ing

A You’re not ready to plan a fu­ture, not with some­one you feel no guilt about be­tray­ing.

Sure, he was the first to err ... through on­line cu­rios­ity, NOT cheat­ing. Now he’s ad­dress­ing his sex­ual is­sues for you, while you have it off with some­one else.

You’ve walked blithely into an affair, like you’re owed it be­cause of past hurts. Never mind the man you claim to love.

Get to your own coun­selling, fast. Drop the affair and come clean with your guy.

If you can’t do that, break up. You’ve both ex­pe­ri­enced a per­sonal cri­sis. He’s work­ing through his, you’ve opted for de­ceit­ful self-in­dul­gence.

Since your past ex­pe­ri­ences have numbed you against be­ing an hon­est part­ner to his ef­forts, you need “me-time” for pro­fes­sional ther­apy.

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