Welcome to Amazottawa!
Getting e-commerce giant to move to Bytown would be big
These are exciting times for ol’ Bytown. No, I’m not talking about CityFolk. And no, I’m not talking about the LRT. I’m not even talking about upcoming Grey Cup festivities, the RedBlacks’ playoff push, the NHL Classic or the start of the Senators’ season. None of that.
You see, the mayor. Is going. To Seattle.
Amazon needs a city for its second headquarters, and Ottawa should be that city.
It just gives you chills, doesn’t it? The thought of Amazon coming to Ottawa? How happy we’d be receiving the blessing of an American billionaire.
Now, I could go on about why Ottawa would be a great place for Amazon, but I’m sure the mayor has that covered … and Jeff Bezos probably doesn’t read Ottawa papers, anyway (all due respect to my Ottawa Sun overlords).
No, we need to talk about why Ottawa should want — nay, needs — Amazon.
Local pundits are taking to the newspaper, the web and radio trying to dampen our enthusiasm, suggesting that it would cost far too much to entice the multi-national to our sleepy government town.
How deluded! There is no price too high to land this company — an economic giant that will stir investment in Ottawa, leading to greater tax revenue that will allow us to fund the very incentives we’ll need to offer to create Amazon of the North.
It’s a perfect scheme, a perpetual motion machine of city finances.
Why waste money keeping taxes low, fixing potholes or clearing snow from every street when we could help a massive corporation relocate? Our lives would be so much richer paying for Amazon rather than properly funding libraries or our police force.
We need this. We are a sleepy government town, with little more going on than bureaucracy, the ByWard Market Wine Rack and late-night shawarma. Amazon would be more than an economic stimulus; it would elevate our status, our civic esteem. It would justify the very existence of our dreary little Ottawa lives.
I mean, come on, Canada’s capital city should be known for something.
When it comes right down to it, this isn’t a case of Amazon coming to Ottawa. No, Ottawa needs to go to Amazon. It’s going to take a lot to lure them west of Toronto. Whatever it takes — zoning relief, tax breaks, waiving development charges, offering grants and subsidies, paving precious greenspace — let’s do it.
We must give ourselves completely over to our corporate benefactors. This won’t be Ottawa anymore; we’ll live in Amazottawa! We’ll plaster their smiley-arrow logo across every resident’s face, figuratively or literally … whichever they want.
Our politicians can get this done, if we press them. It’ll likely take work from the city, the province and maybe even the feds, but it needs to happen. No capitulation is too great. Call your representatives, make them make this happen.
Oh, and what a boon it will be for our hardworking politicians. What a wonderful legacy they’ll have, turning the keys of the city over to rich Seattleites. We should do this for them as much as for us.
Nothing bad comes from hitching one’s fortunes to a single company. From Nortel to automakers to the eternal security of government jobs, it’s a can’t-miss proposition. Just ask Detroit!
So welcome north, Mr. Bezos. I hope you enjoy your life in Amazottawa.
Amazon is looking for a city that could be home to the e-commerce giant’s second headquarters, and Ottawa fits the bill.