Too judgmental of BF

Q : I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months because I felt my feelings werenít strong enough.

When I was with him, I felt like I could be completely myself with him and weird, and he was totally accepting of me.

However, I was really judgmental of him. I thought that he bowled weirdly, and I hated that he ate with his mouth open. Sometimes he talked too much, or his jokes weren’t funny.

I’d focus on these small things. They affected what I felt for him.

I’d have a great time on the date and then have doubts all the next day.

He mostly has the qualities I want in a man - he knows how to have fun, he likes to try new things, he’s openminded, and incredibly intelligent. His sense of humour was also improving.

I don’t know if I fear relationships (this was my longest). I think about him a lot and wonder if I did the right thing.†

He wanted to work through my doubts, but I couldn’t see a future if I felt them every day.†

—Still Wondering About Breakup

A: After much description of those ìsmall thingsî wrong with your ex, you describe a pretty appealing guy.

But you never use the “L” word, as if you’ve blocked love from your relationship concerns.

Your “doubts” appear to be more about you than him, because you focus on annoyances that can easily be overcome, e.g. his “sense of humor” is already improving.

Consider the influences on you of others’ relationships (parents, siblings, close friends).

Then consider why you’re so judgmental about this guy whom you now seem to be missing.

Re-examine your expectations, confront your fears, and, if there’s more appealing about him than annoyances, summon the courage to try again.

Ellie Tesher is a syndciated advice columnist based in Toronto.