Handle crush with friendship
DEAR ELLIE: I’m wondering if my friend (a girl) and one of my close friends, has a crush on me. We go to the same school and the same church.
I only knew her for two years, but one day she complained, asking why I never say Hi to her at school.
I said that I never noticed her (the real reason is that I don’t know how to talk to girls that well).
After that, when I did say Hi to her, she was very happy.
A couple of weeks later in the cafeteria, she came up to me saying, “What do you think I should eat for breakfast — the muffin or the waffle?”
I told her to get the waffle but didn’t know why she used that weird excuse to talk.
On the last week of school, it seemed she wanted to talk to me when I was talking to one of my friends (her locker neighbour), and she was teasing me how I thought the finals were easy because I’m so smart and that.
Does she have a crush on me or is she just being a good friend? — Crush Confusion
ANSWER: She likely does have a crush on you. But it’s interesting that you already consider her a “close” friend.
As a crush, you have trouble handling her signals. Her questions seem “weird,” you get confused and shy.
Yet you both have your immediate world in common — school and church. Also, she thinks you’re smart, which is a high compliment.
How to handle all this? Be her good friend.
Text her asking how her summer’s going, who she’s hanging out with, what she does during the day, etc.
By the time you both get back to school, or meet at church, you’ll find it a lot easier to talk to her. Reader’s Commentary “I find counselling is hit and miss. “I’ve been to counsellors over the
years, some good. Some are subsidized through a family services program so you pay at a sliding scale.
“These sometimes provide interns as counsellors. You confide in them, feel connected, then they must leave when their program is finished. It’s very stressful.
“One counsellor just listened to me without providing useful feedback. Another just talked about her/his own personal experiences and didn’t listen to me at all.
“With another, we had personality differences.
“It seems you sometimes need to go through several different counsellors to find a good fit. Most people aren’t aware of this. They give up. “Sometimes you don’t have the luxury to shop around — you can’t afford those that charge at least $100 dollars an hour. But it limits your choices to the subsidized ones with interns.
“Counselling seems a great solution but it’s not†always the ideal.”
Ellie ñ Counselling does require a “fit,” but not necessarily someone who agrees with your former efforts which haven’t resolved your problem.
People switch doctors, dentists, trainers, and hairdressers who don’t suit them.
When shopping for a counsellor, ask ahead whether he/she uses a short or long-term approach.
Also ask their main point of view (e.g. behaviour, cognitive, humanistic or holistic therapy) and get informed about it.
Those who let you hear yourself talk, are counting on you to recognize something you haven’t acknowledged before.
A good counsellor is a guide, and can teach new responses to triggers while explaining why past efforts failed. The rest is up to you. See my home page at www.ellieadvice.com for how to “Find A Therapist.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the older brother whose younger brother asked to date his ex-girlfriend (July 1):
Reader — “The younger brother is showing little awareness of his older brother’s feelings by asking to date his ex after he and she have already agreed to date.
“Sure, he may do so, but is it worth the undeniable pain to his brother? The younger man’s attitude is selfish and inconsiderate.
“The older brother needs someone who takes his side and recognizes that he has a bruised heart (or is it his ego?).
“The younger brother and his now-girlfriend could use some education. What do you think?”
Ellie—I agree that sensitivity awareness would be in order here.
They are still family. Even though the couple is more than entitled to be together (since the older brother and his former girlfriend had been apart for four years), they need to acknowledge how difficult this transition is for the brother.
FEEDBACK Regarding the discouraged “Newbieî (June 24):
Reader — “I went through what you’re experiencing. It’s no small thing.
“I eventually took a civil-servant job part-time. Five years later, it’s a full-time career with a pension, benefits, and security.
“I’m late-30s, married with two young daughters. It’s amazing how freely people will judge you, and can make you second-guess yourself. Don’t!
“My husband and I were both late-bloomers, and met when we both felt like you — asking, how are we going to make it?
“We chose long-term happiness over stressful ambition.
“We work blue-collar jobs, rent our home instead of own. Our “luxuries” are good music, a few drinks, and honest conversation.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you’re doing your best, and working towards some goal, that’s enough.
TIP OF THE DAY
A close friendship can be more rewarding and last much longer than a crush.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow @ellieadvice.