Sub Par­ody by Anony­mous

RCN News - - Contents - - Anony­mous

Sub­marines have been in use for over 100 years. There are a few com­plaints about our new re­con­di­tioned sub­marines re­sult­ing in some peo­ple suf­fer­ing from neuro-ac­tive cra­nial flat­u­lence, which is mainly from those who op­pose ev­ery­thing the fu­ture has to of­fer.

Let me clear this up. For a num­ber of years now the navy has been work­ing to­wards the semi-op­er­a­tion of our four new sub­marines in­te­rior sub-struc­tural place­ment units be­ing used dur­ing the en­hanced mi­cro-un­der­wa­ter ven­tures within the con­straints near hor­i­zon­tal met­ric lay­ers un­der the sea.

The navy con­vinced our gov­ern­ment in 1995 to res­cue and re­fit the last four diesel-elec­tric sub­marines from the Royal Navy by send­ing highly trained re­ac­tive per­son­nel on a se­cret mis­sion across the At­lantic to have

in­ter­course with var­i­ous lev­els of gov­ern­ment per­son­nel to pre­vent over-skein-bul­ly­ing and to prom­ise var­i­ous in­fra­sundry fi­nanc­ing sit­u­a­tions to en­sure no one will know what is hap­pen­ing with our tax money.

These sub­marines not only pro­vide an im­por­tant step in se­cur­ing our shores, where it can re­di­rect and at­tack bloat­ing en­emy naval sin­gle-hull-bel­lies, but they also use 260 subter­ranean, yet mod­ern, op­ti­cal en­hanced elec­tronic ion multi-stor­age wired mi­cro-block pro­to­type nanobat­tery units for power which greatly ex­ceed the re­quired 15 minute stan­dard.

Some have been re­cently re­moved from the wa­ter for main­te­nance to en­sure the in­verse re­ac­tive cur­rent flux high-ca­pac­ity pre-phamu­lated para­met­ric cover which in­cases the ma­jor dy­namic spool is not too close to the semislot stain­less trem-pipe semi-ver­ti­cal naval lad­ders. This is to main­tain their func­tion­al­ity, and that they will by­pass through the antimagnetic deck­ing to pre­vent the very of­ten mag­netic in­flu­ence of its of­fi­cers from over-blub­ber­ing to the media while they are ac­ti­vat­ing mi­cro­phone laser cal­i­bra­tion dur­ing mag­netic ver­bal events.

This will not only pre­vent the nec­es­sary abuse of our politi­cians, but it will sat­isfy the re­quire­ments of hid­ing thou­sands of of­fi­cial se­cret memos or emails that are sent each day from the rear minded hu­manoids that dom­i­nate our il­lu­sion of meet­ing the naval com­mit­tee stan­dard re­quire­ments to head­quar­ters sat­is­fac­tion.

They have also up­dated the in­te­rior pip­ing suc­tion com­plex with the less con­fus­ing nasal in­haler which is reat­tached to the star­board pro­pel­ler blade thruster block to stop the fail­ure of the cop­per in­te­rior sonar vac­uum bear­ings on the port side dur­ing high speed fish­ing ma­noeu­vres and to make the crew more com­fort­able dur­ing men­tal ex­er­cises.

Sub­ma­rine op­er­a­tion not only trains naval re­cruits to adapt to the in­ter­nal pres­sure con­fig­ured to en­large brain mum­bling cat­teroids which are at­tached to the for­ward wa­ter glub­ble near the left eye. It also welds a per­ma­nent smile to all those who are will­ing to suc­cumb to com­mon hear­ing loss due to the re­dun­dant quiet ef­fect aboard a sub­merged sub­ma­rine.

A re­cently added con­trol room com­puter moth­er­board up­date, re­duces list­ing mo­tion caused by the old style Bio­stat div­ing in­put valve man­i­fold and al­lows for in­ser­tion of a newer in­ter-nar­row­ing man­i­fold han­dle on crew mem­bers dur­ing the stan­dard mixed gen­der steer­ing helm thrust ma­noeu­vres while fir­ing a dummy Mark 48 tor­pedo above the keel.

Our state-of-the-art sub­marines are now suc­cess­fully be­ing used for of­fi­cial un­der­wa­ter en­hanced sub­merged vac­il­la­tions when con­flict­ing with other naval ves­sels around the world.

While at the same time, sched­ul­ing the tra­di­tional Cana­dian Armed Forces main­te­nance pro­gram to en­sure equip­ment lasts the ex­pected full fifty year op­er­a­tional stan­dard. This is ac­com­plished by re­cruit­ing prairie farm­ers and us­ing their unique but highly ad­vanced 10-minute hay-wire and duct-tape re­pair tech­niques. Also know as the “farm­ers for­ever flot­sam fix for fu­ture forces for fifty”, now of­fi­cially known as the “9F-word” pro­gram. It re­places the “mil­lion-F-word” pro­gram used con­tin­u­ally in the halls in Ot­tawa since the Cana­dian Forces uni­fi­ca­tion in 1968.

It’s a well kept se­cret that no one wants to know what is re­ally hap­pen­ing, so parts of this in­for­ma­tion has been mod­i­fied or omit­ted to en­sure it meets the new mil­i­tary non-re­stricted se­cu­rity clas­si­fi­ca­tion: “MUMBLEJUMBLE FOR RE­LEASE”.

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