As Kids See It
THE BEST PART OF working from home is having your five-year-old run in while you’re on a conference call and cry, “I accidentally peed in the wrong place!” @BEHINDYOURBACK
MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD GRANDSON, Michael, was taken to emergency after a fall that resulted in a cut lip. He ended up needing stitches. Following the procedure, the doctor took Michael over to a mirror in an attempt to reassure him that all was now okay. Upon seeing his swollen, stitched appearance, Michael exclaimed, “You should have let my grandma do it. She sews better than you!” MARGARET AVENUE
I WAS GOING THROUGH a photo album with my young daughter and pointing out family members. We
identified her grandpa and her uncle, and then I pointed to a picture of her. “Who’s that?” I asked.
“That’s me!” my daughter replied. “And who are you?” I pressed, expecting her to say her name.
In a hoarse voice, my daughter whispered, “I’m Batman!”
GIVE MY SON a lacrosse stick and he’ll dominate. Give him a broom and ask him to sweep and he’ll act like he’s never held anything ever.
FIVE-YEAR-OLD: I’m not going to have a job.
ME: Where are you going to get money?
FIVE-YEAR-OLD: The ATM.
MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD son was very high-energy: he wasn’t much of a napper and normally ran non-stop all day. But one morning he came downstairs very groggy and under the weather, with a fever. Looking at me, he complained, “My sleep was too small.”
WHY DO KIDS CRY when you brush their teeth but they can’t feel food on their face? @JIMGAFFIGAN
I DIDN’T CHANGE my last name when I got married. When my daughter was in Grade 2, her teacher got hitched and took her partner’s surname. Soon after, my daughter and I had a conversation about the custom. I asked her if she thought she’d change her name when she got married. She replied matter-of-factly, “Well that depends on what my adult brain thinks about it, doesn’t it?”
TOOK MY SON FOR WALK. Passed a cemetery. Tried to explain. Failed.
“People are dead?! Underground?! Under stones?! Open them! Let them out!” @MATTGURNEY
MY DAUGHTER GETS so pumped watching Disney films. She loves that they all have singing, dancing and a part when the parents die.
Actor RYAN REYNOLDS
MY TWO-YEAR-OLD SON, Sammy, has been learning to speak. I’ve been trying to make sure he learns his manners, teaching him to say things like “please” and “thank you” and “sorry.” The other day, he was walking around the house and bent over to grab a toy from under a table. When he stood up again, he banged his head. Immediately he said to himself, “Sorry, Sammy!”
MY FATHER ASKED my three-yearold what she wanted to be when she grew up.
“A pumpkin,” she said. “A big pumpkin.”
“You always seem a lot taller when I’m in trouble.”