Yes you can

Seaway News - - LIFESTYLE - DANCES WITH WORDS

Life with the use of only one hand is pos­si­ble. Here are some things that can be done with the use of only one hand. Re­mem­ber the rude noises the boys used to make us­ing their armpit and a cupped left hand when show­er­ing af­ter gym pe­riod? One’s armpit can also be used as a vise for open­ing a screw-on jar. Knees held tightly to­gether are also a great means of hold­ing a jar while the one good hand twists the cap off.

You can go one­handed bik­ing if you ride a one-speed with coaster brakes.

Driv­ing a ve­hi­cle is cer­tainly pos­si­ble with only one hand. Proof: I once saw a blonde ex­e­cut­ing a left turn while talk­ing on a cell phone, with a cig­a­rette hang­ing onto her lower lip, all the while hold­ing onto a hot cup of Tim’s brew.

No doubt that woman would also be able to land an air­craft us­ing only one hand. She’d prob­a­bly find a way to si­mul­ta­ne­ously han­dle the stick, lower the flaps, ad­just the trim, drop the un­der­car­riage and cut the throt­tle on touch-down, yet still con­tinue chat­ting on her cell phone.

The right el­bow is great for squeez­ing tooth­paste out of the tube, but the tech­nique only works if the tube is near full. Get­ting shav­ing soap from an aerosol can onto your hand is also made pos­si­ble by us­ing the el­bow to ap­ply down­ward pres­sure on the valve.

If you plan to at­tend some sort of per­for­mance, make sure it’s some­thing you don’t ap­prove of. One-handed ap­plause is suit­able only for things such as the pace we’ve en­dured re­gard­ing the solv­ing of the Corn­wall bridge-cross­ing sit­u­a­tion or Mr. Bush’s suc­cess in get­ting ‘ The Coali­tion of the Will­ing’ to achieve a per­ma­nent so­lu­tion to all of the woes he im­posed on Iraq.

Typ­ing speed was never my forte. I never was a speed typ­ist be­fore my wrist op­er­a­tion, be­cause all my typ­ing has al­ways been done us­ing only one fin­ger and the thumb. The thumb and one fin­ger of my left hand will just have to be trained to do the job for­merly done by now im­mo­bile right hand.

Since I’m now forced to do any hand­writ- ing with my left hand, I now have one of the es­sen­tial skills of be­ing a doc­tor: il­leg­i­ble hand­writ­ing, I’m con­sid­er­ing mak­ing medicine my next ca­reer. It cer­tainly pays bet­ter than be­ing a writer.

If I wish to con­tinue be­ing a pho­tog­ra­pher, I’ll have to set aside my heavy SLR and start us­ing a point-and-shoot cam­era. The only trou­ble with all cam­eras is that they’re not de­signed for left­ies, as the shut­ter release is in­vari­ably on the right.

When na­ture calls with ur­gency, un­but­ton­ing of the belt and fly is pro­hib­i­tively time con­sum­ing. There­fore, I might have to re­sort­ing to wear­ing a kilt. Is there a Wolochatiuk tar­tan on eBay?

For­tu­nately, be­ing one-handed can ac­tu­ally in­crease my luck when hitch­hik­ing. The sight of a ban­daged up­lifted right hand does it. It’s an as­set to be milked as much as pos­si­ble. It’s the pity fac­tor.

How­ever, I wouldn’t stoop to us­ing ketchup to sim­u­late the ap­pear­ance of blood. That would bor­der on dis­hon­esty. My motto has al­ways been, “ Never tell a lie— but there’s no need to tell all the truth.”

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