Caregiving strain

Dear Annie: I am an only child. I have always been very close to my mother. When my husband and I married, we got a house a few doors down from my parents’ house. We would visit often after my three children came along. We have unforgettable memories from those years. When we moved to the suburbs, my parents visited every weekend. My father played golf nearby, so he would drop off Mom early in the morning and then join her later in the day.

As the children grew and moved out of the house, my parents aged but kept coming to the house every weekend. By then, my husband and I were looking forward to spending some time just the two of us. I tried discussing it with my mother, but it was very difficult, as they had never built a life of their own; they had no one but us. I tried spacing out their visits more and more, but it was really hard.

Soon after, my father fell sick with Alzheimer’s disease. As my mother’s own health started failing, she couldn’t do much and depended on me for making every decision.

My father has passed away, and my mother is now 90 years old. She lives in a retirement community and is still autonomous enough to live on her own with supervision. I have a social worker designated for her, but according to the worker, my mom is not at the point of needing to be put in a home. I have hired a cleaning company for her apartment, but I do all her errands, as she can hardly walk.

I now have lots of opportunity to travel with my husband, but I can’t, because every time I go away, my mother gets sick and ends up in the hospital. She has had many minor strokes caused by anxiety. Her doctor, who is well aware of the situation, closely monitors her. I now leave for only a few days at a time and have calls to my home phone forwarded to my cellphone so she is not aware I am gone and not at home.

I am also getting old and tired and would like to enjoy the few healthy years I have left but don’t know how. As much as I love her, I am beginning to resent her and feel the burden weigh on my shoulders. What can I do? — Tired Loving Daughter

Dear Tired: If caretakers don’t have enough room to breathe, the light they shine on others will be snuffed out. The best thing for you and your relationship with your mom is to give yourself more space. Invest time in self-care; take those trips with your husband. If you don’t, resentment will embitter you. Visit the Family Caregiver Alliance website, at https://www.caregiver.org, for information on resources and support groups.

You have already done so much. Though your mother may not be in a place to verbally express it, you are a steadfast friend and compassionate daughter.

Dear Annie: My friend “Janice” and I met in college and were bridesmaids in each other’s wedding. We live down the street from each other, and our kids play together. Until recently, she’d been about 30 pounds overweight ever since I met her. She would always talk about losing those pounds but never do anything about it. So I was really happy for her when she found this new workout/diet program — not because she lost weight but because I could tell how happy she was to be staying active and healthy. She went from 160 pounds to about 130, and she’s maintained that weight for the past six months.

But my happiness for Janice started to sour when she started pushing me to join the program, too.

“You’ve always mentioned wanting to trim down your thighs a bit,” she said to me over lunch one day. “Have you ever thought about actually doing it?”

I was pretty taken aback. I stammered out something to the effect of, “Yes, but I’m happy with my body, really.”

She pushed back. “But what’s stopping you from getting in better shape?”

We went back and forth over the issue over the course of a couple of weeks, until I eventually agreed to go to a three-hour seminar on the weight-loss program she belongs to.

I was totally not into it. I could tell the people running it were just trying to make a buck. I had to leave a half-hour before the event was over so I could tuck the kids in, and the program representatives practically blocked the door. They tried to get me to sign a check for $200 right then and there to commit to losing weight. I politely said no and shoved my way past.

Well, as unpleasant as that whole experience was, I thought it would be worth it if it got Janice off my back. But it didn’t. She keeps bringing it up and saying how much I could benefit from it. I’m not even technically overweight!

I don’t want to hurt Janice’s feelings, but I’ve had it up to here with this baloney. What should I do? — Weighing on Me

Dear Weighing: You can immediately shed 130 pounds by getting Janice off your back. Her judgment is clouded by the high that weight loss seems to have given her, so you’re going to need to be extremely direct. Tell her that you’re not interested in the program but if you ever change your mind, she’ll be the first to know. And say that until then, you can’t stomach another word on the subject.