Understanding the mysteries of life
Towards the end of his life my father mentioned that as he got older he realized how much he didn’t understand. Note here, he didn’t say how much he didn’t ‘know’ since even the least attentive human being picks up the odd new thing over the course of a lifetime and my father was nothing if not attentive. He was speaking about ‘understanding’, comprehension, meaning.
I got to thinking about this the other day when I managed to injure my ankle getting out of bed, another sure sign that I am not only over the hill but racing towards the bottom. Indeed, after a life of books, writing and experience there are still many mysteries that I have yet to fathom. Here are just a few.
What tailor or clothing designer invented the “gauntlet button?” It’s that little button located a few inches above the cuff of a shirt. It serves no purpose, is impossible to do up after the shirt is on and serves, as far as I can see, no style imperative.
As we’re dealing with sartorial mysteries, who in their right mind continues to produce men’s trousers with buttons on the fly? The zipper has been around for over a hundred years and has proven its efficacy. The last thing a man needs while using the public facilities at a football stadium, after consuming two large beverages and standing in an eight-person line, is to finally arrive at the urinal and be forced to play a timeconsuming game of fumble fingers.
Another mystery, and one I deal with on a regular basis, is why a presumably well-educated engineer would design a stove top that requires you to reach over a pot of boiling water or a sizzling frying pan to reach the knob that adjusts the heat. Perhaps those who work in the development of kitchen appliances – and don’t get me started on cleaning ovens – should be required to take a cooking course.
One of life’s unanswered questions is why so many drivers are incapable of understanding what the word “Yield” means when it appears on a road sign. To most of Quebec’s motorists “Yield”, or more commonly “Cedez”, appears to be, at best, a synonym for “merge.” This misunderstanding leads thousands of drivers to emulate a NASCAR professional and fly off the on ramp hoping against hope that everyone on the highway will adjust while they slide between an oncoming semi and a family of four in a Dodge mini-van.
Speaking of the automotive world, I have never ceased to wonder why anyone selling cars in Canada would design one with the front windshield wipers tucked neatly away in a recessed hoodwide box whose sole purpose appears to be the collection of snow and ice. Not only is it next to impossible to keep it free of winter precipitation it assures knuckle damage throughout the season.
It has always confounded me but perhaps someone out there can explain why the “express” line at the supermarket functions as it does. Designed for those with “eight items or less” to ensure speedy processing, it has failed miserably at its task. Firstly, the term “eight items or less” is more of a loose guideline than a rule for the arithmetically challenged. Secondly, if speed is the goal, why are customers allowed to pay for their $6 worth of groceries with a card? Add to this that the “express line” also handles bottle return, cigarette sales and the purchase and redemption of loto tickets, and one might as well take the slow lane.
No, my dad was right. The older one gets the less one understands the true mysteries of life.