Ask Hole goes back to school

How to break your nap ad­dic­tion, deal­ing with dead weight in groups and what to do when last night’s make-out part­ner sits next to you in class.

The Coast - - OFF CAMPUS - BY CH­ERYL HANN | IL­LUS­TRA­TIONS JESS HARTJES

Deak Ask Hole,

I’m afraid to talk to other hu­man be­ings but I know ab­so­lutely no­body in town. How do I make friends? Easy: 1. Head to a karaoke night. 2. Do a truly rip­pin’ ren­di­tion of “The Boys Are Back In Town.” If it does in­deed truly rip, lit­er­ally ev­ery­one will think you’re cool and the night will end with 20 of your new best friends car­ry­ing you out of the bar on their shoul­ders chant­ing, “Hot butt! Hot butt!” (This will be your new nick­name be­cause now ev­ery­one also thinks you have a hot butt.)

I’m ad­dicted to nap­ping. Is there any way I can avoid fall­ing asleep in class? I’m a bad per­son to ask about this be­cause I am also a TA at a univer­sity. If you fall asleep in my lec­ture I will draw a pe­nis on your face with my white­board marker. And not a nice pe­nis ei­ther. Like, a gross, old man’s pe­nis with a wart on it. Also hairy balls. DO NOT FALL ASLEEP IN CLASS!

My pro­fes­sor hates me and I hate them right back, but I need this credit. What should I do? The best way to get re­venge on a prof is ac­tu­ally just to be smart and pro­duc­tive in class. Hand your as­sign­ments in on time; give thought­ful an­swers to their ques­tions; study for your ex­ams; never miss class; use semi­colons cor­rectly, but also a lit­tle too much. They’ll be SO PISSED. How do I have a so­cial life if I don’t drink? OK, this is about to be the realest ad­vice I’ve

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