The Daddy files

Should a man con­sider let­ting his wife have two “Dad­dies”? Plus: A plen­thora of other Daddy is­sues.

The Coast - - SAVAGE LOVE -

QI’m a 40-year-old bi man. I’ve been with my 33-year-old bi wife for three years and mar­ried for one. When we first met, she made it clear that she was in a long-term (more than three years) “Daddy” re­la­tion­ship with an older man. I fig­ured out six months later that her “Daddy” was her boss and busi­ness part­ner. He is mar­ried, and his wife does not know. I strug­gled with their re­la­tion­ship, since I iden­tify as open but not poly. Eight months later, she ended things with him be­cause it was “log­i­cally right” for us (her words). But she cheated with him four times over the course of two years. In all other as­pects, our re­la­tion­ship is the great­est one I’ve ever had. I do not doubt her love for me. My wife has met her bi­o­log­i­cal fa­ther only a cou­ple of times and her step­fa­ther died when she was 16—the same year she went to work for her “Daddy.” Their non-work re­la­tion­ship started 10 years later, when she was 26. It’s a com­plex re­la­tion­ship, and he is not go­ing any­where, as they now own a busi­ness to­gether. While I don’t think cheat­ing has to be a re­la­tion­ship-en­der, dis­hon­esty al­ways has been for me. The fi­nal com­pli­ca­tion: I have a cuck­old fetish. I be­lieve it could pos­si­ble to meet ev­ery­one’s needs, so long as ev­ery­one is hon­est. I will ad­mit that, in the heat of pas­sion, my wife and I have talked about her hav­ing “two dad­dies.” Do I con­sider al­low­ing this, so long as ev­ery­one is hon­est? Is mix­ing busi­ness and per­sonal mat­ters go­ing to blow up in our faces? Do I ig­nore the part of my brain that wants this guy’s wife to know? —Dis­tressed About De­ceit­ful Dy­nam­ics In­volv­ing En­tan­gled Spouse

A You don’t need my per­mis­sion to con­sider this ar­range­ment—al­low­ing the wife to have two dad­dies—be­cause you’re clearly al­ready con­sid­er­ing it. (You’ve moved on to the bar­gain­ing and/or writ­ing-let­ters- to-sex­ad­vice- colum­nists stage of con­sid­er­a­tion, the fi­nal stage be­fore ac­cep­tance.) What you want is my per­mis­sion to do this, not just to think about it. Per­mis­sion granted. Could it all come to shit? Any­thing and ev­ery­thing could come to shit. But your wife has been fuck­ing this guy the en­tire time you’ve been to­gether, and you nev­er­the­less re­gard this re­la­tion­ship as the great­est one you’ve ever had. It stands to rea­son that if things were great when she was hon­est with you about fuck­ing her boss (at the start) and re­mained great de­spite be­ing dis­hon­est with you about fuck­ing her boss (the last two years), you three are in a good po­si­tion to make this work now that ev­ery­thing is out in the open.

As for your other con­cerns: Most of the poly peo­ple I know started out as ei­ther monog­a­mous or “open but not poly” (peo­ple evolve), we find out about se­cret work­place ro­mances only when they blow up (skewed sam­ples make for skewed per­cep­tions), and you need more info about the other man’s wife be­fore you is­sue an ul­ti­ma­tum or pick up the phone your­self (their mar­riage could be lov­ing but com­pan­ion­ate, he could be stay­ing in a love­less mar­riage for good rea­sons, they could have agreed to a DADT ar­range­ment re­gard­ing af­fairs). But again, you’re ask­ing if some­thing that seems to be work­ing in prac­tice might ac­tu­ally work in prac­tice. And I’m think­ing, yeah, it prob­a­bly could.

QI’m a 31-year-old gay man who looks 45. Most men in­ter­ested in me are sur­pris­ingly up-front about ex­press­ing their de­sire to in­clude a fa­ther-son el­e­ment. Even men older than me call me “Daddy” un­prompted. I try not to be judg­men­tal, but this re­pulses me.

Peo­ple who are into other forms of out- ofthe-main­stream sex ap­proach their kinks re­spect­fully and es­tab­lish mu­tual in­ter­est and ob­tain con­sent in ad­vance. Why aren’t I given the same con­sid­er­a­tion when it comes to incest role-play? And where does this come from? Were all these men mo­lested by their fa­thers? —Des­per­ately Avoid­ing Dis­cussing Dis­gust­ing Incest

A Whoa. Just as gay men who call them­selves or their part­ners “boy” don’t mean “mi­nor” and aren’t fan­ta­siz­ing about child rape, gay men who call them­selves or their part­ners “Daddy” don’t mean “bi­o­log­i­cal fa­ther” and aren’t fan­ta­siz­ing about fa­ther-son incest. Daddy is an hon­ou­rific that eroti­cizes a per­ceived age and/or ex­pe­ri­ence gap; it’s about au­thor­ity and sex­ual dom­i­nance, not pa­ter­nity and in­ces­tu­ous de­viance.

If be­ing called “Daddy” turns you off, you should say so, and your part­ners should im­me­di­ately knock that “Daddy” shit off. But you shouldn’t as­sume ev­ery gay guy who calls you “Daddy” is into incest and/or was mo­lested by his bio dad, be­cause 99.999 per­cent of the time that’s just not go­ing to be true. Think about it this way: When a straight woman calls her man “baby,” no one thinks, “OMG! She’s into rap­ing ba­bies!” When a straight guy says he picked up a “hot girl,” no one thinks he’s talk­ing about a sexy fourth grader.

When Vice Pres­i­dent Mike Pence calls his wife “mommy,” no one thinks...well, Pence might be a bad ex­am­ple. (That man is clearly a freak.) But my point still stands: Pet names— used ca­su­ally or dur­ing sex—aren’t to be taken lit­er­ally.

QI have a sugar baby who is a ma­ture postop trans woman. She is very at­trac­tive but also very high main­te­nance. (She has OCD.) I pay her $300 per anal sex event; I help with bills, food, et cetera and I spend ev­ery week­end with her. I prob­a­bly spend $15,000 a year on her. I’m happy most of the time (the sex is great), but does this ar­range­ment sound fair?

—Daddy Ask­ing Dan

A Di­vide the money you’re spend­ing an­nu­ally ($15,000) by the num­ber of weeks in the year (52) and your anal-sex-event-packed week­ends are only cost­ing you $288.46 a pop. See­ing as most sex work­ers charge 10 to 20 times as much for a full week­end, I’d say you aren’t spend­ing too much. (If this ar­range­ment is un­fair to any­one, it’s un­fair to your sugar baby.) Now, if you’re only pulling in 30K a year, spend­ing half your pre-tax wages on a sugar baby is un­sus­tain­able. But if that 15K rep­re­sents a small per­cent­age of your an­nual in­come, you should give your sugar baby a raise.

Lis­ten to Dan Sav­age’s Weekly Love­cast at the­coast .ca

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