What hap­pened to you?

Dan re­sponds to a reader mourn­ing the good ol’ days of Savage Love. Plus: Is jerk­ing off to some­one’s FB pics cross­ing a line?

The Coast - - SAVAGE LOVE - mail@sav­agelove.net Read Dan’s an­swer in full at the­coast .ca SEX AD­VICE FROM DAN SAVAGE

QI used to be a fan of your col­umn, Dan, but some­thing hap­pened to you. Maybe it’s stress, the cur­rent po­lit­i­cal cli­mate or some other is­sue—I don’t know. I used to look for­ward to your columns be­cause they were fun, smart and help­ful—but I don’t en­joy what I’m see­ing now. If some­thing did hap­pen to you, reach out for help. You’re on the verge of los­ing a loyal reader. —Reader En­quir­ing About Dan’s En­er­vat­ing Re­sponses


I’ve been get­ting let­ters like yours—what hap­pened to you, Dan, you used to be more fun—at this time of year, ev­ery year, for the last 25 years, READER. Maybe I get moody when the weather gets gloomy and that spills into my col­umn an­nu­ally. And per­haps the cur­rent po­lit­i­cal cli­mate—a rather re­served way to de­scribe the de­struc­tion of our democ­racy—is mak­ing my sea­sonal grump­ing worse. An­other pos­si­ble fac­tor…

I don’t know how long you’ve been read­ing, READER, but I’ve been writ­ing this col­umn for a long time. And back be­fore the internet came along and ru­ined ev­ery­thing for ev­ery­one, I used to get a lot of how-to/ what’s-that ques­tions about sex acts and sex toys. A col­umn ex­plain­ing butt plugs to read­ers who knew noth­ing about them—and lacked easy ac­cess to butt plug info—was as much fun to read as it was to write. But ev­ery sex act and ev­ery sex toy has its own Wiki page now, which means I don’t get to write fun columns about butt plugs any­more, and you don’t get to read them. Now the ques­tions all re­volve around some­one be­ing deeply shitty or some­one de­lud­ing them­selves about how deeply shitty they’re be­ing. Columns filled with ques­tions about and from peo­ple be­hav­ing badly are never go­ing to be as de­light­some as those butt plug columns of yore.

But thank you for writ­ing in to share your con­cern, and rest as­sured that noth­ing truly ter­ri­ble has hap­pened to me—be­sides Trump, of course, but Trump hap­pened to all of us, not just me. Still, I don’t want to lose you as a reader, so I’m go­ing to make an ef­fort to sunny things up a bit over the next few weeks.

OK! Let’s see what else came in the mail to­day! Hope­fully some­thing fun!


My sig­nif­i­cant other and I rarely have sex. A while ago, I had a sex­ual en­counter with her daugh­ter. We con­tin­ued to have sex­ual en­coun­ters for some time. Now my sig­nif­i­cant other and I may be get­ting mar­ried. Her daugh­ter and I broke it off, but it started up again af­ter a week. I am at­tempt­ing to break things off with my SO’s daugh­ter again, but I’m hav­ing a hard time. Please ad­vise.

—Re­strain­ing Urges Is Nec­es­sary

A Ugh. Do you see what I mean, READER? It’s hard to come through with jokes, eru­di­tion and up­lift when you’re re­spond­ing to ques­tions like this one.

OK, RUIN. Mar­ry­ing a woman whose adult daugh­ter you can’t keep your dick out of... yeah, that’s a bad idea. (And her daugh­ter is an adult, right?! ) Sooner or later, your sig­nif­i­cant other is go­ing to dis­cover what’s been go­ing on, and your re­la­tion­ship with both of these women will be de­stroyed. You’ll be able to move out and move on, but your for­mer sig­nif­i­cant other isn’t go­ing to be so lucky. Be­cause while you won’t al­ways be her SO, and hope­fully won’t ever be her hus­band, her daugh­ter is al­ways go­ing to be her child. So while you may get out of this re­la­tion­ship with some light scar­ring, your ex and her daugh­ter will be left with open, gap­ing wounds for the rest of their lives. My ad­vice: Pull up your pants, can­cel the wed­ding and get as far away from your SO and her daugh­ter as pos­si­ble.

QI’m a mid­dle-aged mar­ried dude. Sex life with my wife is good, but I also mas­tur­bate be­cause, you know, I’m a per­son. Some­times I mas­tur­bate while surf­ing through pic­tures on Face­book of at­trac­tive women I know. These aren’t stolen nudes off of some­one’s phone; they’re pub­lic pic­tures. I’m pro­gres­sive when it comes to pol­i­tics and gender is­sues. Face-to-face, I’m re­spect­ful and would never do any­thing to make these women—or any other woman—feel un­com­fort­able. I don’t leer, and I’m not a creeper. I know what I’m do­ing is pervy, but is it pervy bad? Am I cross­ing a line? —Peer­ing Is Creepy, Some­times


This one’s a lit­tle bet­ter, READER. It’s a lit­tle squicky, sure, but it’s not boil-your-eyes-af­ter-read­ing squicky.

OK, PICS. Mas­tur­bat­ing to some­one is fine; mas­tur­bat­ing at some­one is not. (To be clear: Mas­tur­bat­ing to thoughts of some­one with­out their knowl­edge is fine; mas­tur­bat­ing at some­one who does not wish to be mas­tur­bated at is not.) Our erotic imag­i­na­tions are free to roam—and that in­cludes roam­ing through Face­book. No one needs our per­mis­sion to fan­ta­size about us or any­thing else, and we can’t con­trol when, where and how the pics we share on so­cial me­dia will be en­joyed. Pro­vided you aren’t do­ing or say­ing any­thing to make your Face­book “friends” un­com­fort­able (no sup­pos­edly-friendly-but-trans­par­ent­lythirsty com­ments, no tongue-hang­ing-out emo­jis), you’re do­ing some­thing no one wants to think about, but you’re not cross­ing a line.

QA cou­ple of weeks ago, my girl­friend and I were en­gag­ing in mu­tual mas­tur­ba­tion when she squirted all over my hand—a large amount—and she was com­pletely mor­ti­fied. It was the first time it hap­pened for her, and it’s hap­pened sev­eral times since. She is up­set. I’ve been with a cou­ple of other women in the past who squirted, and I am ab­so­lutely fine with it. I love it, in fact! I did my ab­so­lute best to reassure her that I think it’s great and there’s noth­ing to be ashamed of, but she’s re­ally em­bar­rassed ev­ery time. The last time, she was close to tears with fears that she’d uri­nated. My ques­tion: There’s so much great writ­ing about fe­male ejac­u­la­tion around, but rather than bom­bard my GF—who is the most amaz­ing, in­cred­i­ble per­son—with links to ar­ti­cle upon ar­ti­cle, how can I help her feel OK about this? —Sin­cere Ques­tioner Un­der­stands It’s Re­ally Ter­rific


This one’s pretty good, READER. It’s an old-school, pre-internet Savage Love ques­tion. Sexy and play­ful—charm­ing, even.

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