The ex hex

Is harm­less flir­ta­tion with my ex-hus­band dis­re­spect­ful to my cur­rent part­ner? Plus: Get rid of that in­con­sid­er­ate Dom­i­nant.

The Coast - - SAVAGE LOVE - Lis­ten to Dan Sav­age’s Weekly Love­cast at the­coast .ca

QI mar­ried my high-school sweet­heart at 17, had a baby, to­gether a few years, men­tal ill­ness and sub­se­quent in­fi­delity led to things end­ing. My ex-hus­band re­mar­ried, di­vorced again and is now in another LTR. I’m in a LTR for a decade with my cur­rent part­ner (CP), we have a few kids and I’m so in love with him, it ter­ri­fies me.

My ex fre­quently makes sex­ual re­marks to me, low-key flirts. I feel an an­i­mal at­trac­tion in the mo­ment. What­ever. I don’t want to be with him, my re­la­tion­ship with CP is solid AF, and I get amaz­ing fuck­ing at home from a man far more skilled. CP knows about ex­hus­band’s re­marks and one ac­tual phys­i­cal ad­vance. I talked to my ex-hus­band today, and he said: “I’m sorry, it’s just teas­ing, I won’t make an ac­tual move ever again, but you’re the only woman I ever just look at and get im­me­di­ately hard for and it’s only a few more years be­fore our kid is fully grown and we don’t see each other any­more. So hu­mour me be­cause you know we both en­joy it.”

And it’s true that I do en­joy it. But how harm­ful is it to en­gage in flirty ban­ter with­out any touch­ing, nu­dity or worse? I hate hav­ing se­crets, as I feel they are bar­ri­ers to in­ti­macy, but I’m a 30-some­thing mom and it is so fuck­ing un­bear­ably sexy to be made to feel so de­sir­able even af­ter all that shit be­tween us and it’ll never, ever hap­pen be­cause hell no am I sleep­ing with my ex-hubby, but know­ing this man will never get a whiff of my pussy again but can’t help but beg for it with his eyes gives me a sense of power like I’ve never fuck­ing felt be­fore, but even so I don’t want to be a ter­ri­ble per­son for hid­ing this from my CP be­cause I don’t like hav­ing se­crets from him but this is just one that turns me on to no end but I should nip this in the bud and put a stop to it yes­ter­day be­cause it’s wrong, right?

—Se­cret Long­ings Ut­terly Ti­t­il­lat­ing

AI love a good run-on sen­tence—gram­mar fetishists are go­ing to get off on di­a­gram­ming that doozy you closed with—so I’m go­ing to give it a shot, too: I don’t see the harm in enjoying your ex-hus­band’s flir­ta­tions so long as you’re cer­tain you’ll never, ever take him up on his stand­ing of­fer, but you are play­ing with fire here, SLUT, so pull on a pair of as­bestos panties when you know you’ll be see­ing your ex-hubby, and I don’t think you should feel bad about this se­cret be­cause while hon­esty is great gen­er­ally and while the keep­ing of se­crets is frowned upon by ad­vice pro­fes­sion­als re­flex­ively, SLUT, a lit­tle mys­tery, a lit­tle dis­tance, a lit­tle erotic au­ton­omy keeps our sex lives with long-term part­ners hot—even monog­a­mous re­la­tion­ships—so in­stead of see­ing this se­cret as a bar­rier to in­ti­macy, SLUT, re­mind your­self that the erotic charge you get from your ex-hubby—the way he makes you feel de­sir­able—ben­e­fits your CP, be­cause he’s the one who will be get­ting a big, fat whiff of your pussy when you get home and there’s noth­ing wrong with that, right?

QI’ve been with my girl­friend “J” for two years. Her best friend “M” is a gay man she’s known since high school. M and I have hung out many times. He seems cool, but lately I’ve been won­der­ing if he and J are fuck­ing be­hind my back. For starters, J and I rarely have sex any­more. Even a kiss on the cheek hap­pens less than once a week. Mean­while, J’s Face­book feed has pic­tures of M grab­bing her tits out­side of a gay club in front of her sis­ter. She told me he’s spent the night in her room.

I’ve also re­cently found out that M con­sid­ers him­self bi­sex­ual. I un­der­stand that ev­ery­one loves tits, even if they’re not turned on by them, and gay men can sleep with a girl and ac­tu­ally just...sleep. I also know that her an­tide­pres­sants can kill her sex drive. All three things at once feel like more than just co­in­ci­dence, though. Am I in­se­cure or is there some­thing to these wor­ries? —You Pick The Acro­nym I Gotta Get To Work

AYour girl­friend’s best friend isn’t gay, YPTAIGGTW, he’s bi­sex­ual—so, yeah, it’s en­tirely pos­si­ble M is fuck­ing your girl­friend, since fuck­ing girls is some­thing bi­sex­ual guys do. But while we can’t know for sure whether M is fuck­ing J, YPTAIGGTW, we do know who she isn’t fuck­ing: You. If the sex is rare and a kiss—on the cheek—is a once-a-week oc­cur­rence, it’s time to pull the plug. Yes, an­tide­pres­sants can be a li­bido killer. They can also be a dodge. If your girl­friend doesn’t re­gard the lack of sex as a prob­lem and isn’t work­ing on a fix, trust your gut and get out.

QI’m a re­cently di­vorced woman with a high li­bido. Now that I’m sin­gle, I’ve come out as a kinkster. I quickly met some­one who swept me off my feet—smart, funny, sexy, proudly pervy and ex­pe­ri­enced in the BDSM scene—and soon he de­clared him­self as my Dom and I as­sumed the sub role. This was hot as hell at first. I loved tak­ing his or­ders, know­ing how much my sub­servience pleased him and sur­pris­ing my­self with just how much pain and hu­mil­i­a­tion I could take. How­ever, his fan­tasies quickly took a darker turn. When I say I’m un­com­fort­able with the ex­tremely trans­gres­sive ter­ri­tory he wants to ex­plore, he says, “I’m your master and you take my or­ders.” I think this is shitty form—the bot­tom should al­ways set the lim­its.

I’m not in any phys­i­cal danger, but his re­quests (if car­ried out) could ruin some of my ex­ist­ing re­la­tion­ships. Did I blow it by not giv­ing him a list of my hard lim­its in ad­vance of be­com­ing his sub? Or is he just a shitty, in­con­sid­er­ate top try­ing to take ad­van­tage of a novice? Af­ter play, he checks in to see if I’m OK, which on the sur­face looks like great form, but this also feels ma­nip­u­la­tive. How can I pull things back to where I’m com­fort­able? Do I run from the scene—or just this guy?

—Tired Of Over­reach­ing From A Shitty Top

AA top who re­opens ne­go­ti­a­tions about lim­its and what’s on the BDSM menu dur­ing a scene—a time when the sub will feel tremen­dous pres­sure to, well, sub­mit—is not a top you can trust. The same goes for a top who makes de­mands that, if obeyed, could ruin their sub’s re­la­tion­ships with fam­ily, friends, other part­ners, et cetera. Run from this guy, TOOFAST, but not from the scene. There are bet­ter tops out there. Go find one.

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