Meow and for­ever

Amp Somers paws out ad­vice on kit­ten kinks, queens and toms. Plus: Friends who abuse your bound­aries are not friends

The Coast - - SAVAGE LOVE - —Con­struc­tive Ad­vice Thought­fully Sought —Un­dressed Naked Friend Re­ally Is En­gi­neer­ing Need­less Drama

QHi, Dan: I am a ho­mo­sex­ual young adult seek­ing ad­vice about kit­ten play. I find it very in­trigu­ing, and I’m won­der­ing where to start. It’s a turn-on when some­one calls me kit­ten, but I’m not sure how to ex­press my kink or de­sire for kink play to the per­son or per­sons I am into. Any ad­vice would be ap­pre­ci­ated. A Hi, CATS: I am a ho­mo­sex­ual not-soy­oung adult with­out much ad­vice to of­fer where kit­ten play is con­cerned. I’ve en­coun­tered plenty of gay pup­pies in the wild—at var­i­ous leather/fetish events—but I’ve seen only one fetish kitty in my life­time, and she was a queen. (A fe­male cat is called a queen, a male cat is called a tom, and a group of cats is called a glare. #The­MoreY­ouKnow!)

But Amp Somers, who hosts the kink­friendly sex-ed show Watts the Safe­word, as­sures me that gay kit­ties are def­i­nitely a thing.

“Kit­ten play is a sub­cat­e­gory of the ‘an­i­mal role-play’ or ‘pet play’ kink,” says Somers. “It is a form of dom­i­na­tion and submission in which some­one gets into the head space of an an­i­mal they are role-playing and takes on its char­ac­ter­is­tics—be it with gear (masks, tails, col­lars) or by act­ing out the man­ner­isms of their an­i­mal. Most im­por­tantly, and this goes for all proper pet play­ers, there are no ac­tual an­i­mals in­volved in this play.”

Puppy play is the most com­mon form of pet play—by far—and it’s very popular among younger gay kinksters. (Please don’t con­fuse gay pups or kit­ties with gay bears or ot­ters. The for­mer is about role-play and fetish; the lat­ter is about body type, af­fir­ma­tion and com­mu­nity.) But what ac­counts for the pop­u­lar­ity of pet play among younger kinksters?

“This sort of play al­lows some­one to get into kink eas­ily with or with­out a part­ner and in a play­ful man­ner,” says Somers. “Pet play al­lows play­ers to get their feet wet in the BDSM world with­out hav­ing to visit a dark dun­geon, get tied up or en­gage in any­thing a newer kinkster might find in­tim­i­dat­ing. It’s a great en­try-level kink.”

As for ex­press­ing your kink, CATS, that’s some­thing you’re go­ing to have to work out on your own.

“I imag­ine CATS al­ready has an im­age of what kit­ten play looks like to them, and I bet it dif­fers from what I might imag­ine my own pet play would look like or even from what read­ers imag­ine a kit­ten player to look like,” says Somers. “Is CATS a do­mes­ti­cated lazy kit­ten who lies in the sun? A cu­ri­ous, well-trained, docile cat re­spon­sive to cud­dles and treats? Or are they a ram­bunc­tious, bratty, in­de­pen­dent stray?”

To find your way into the kink scene, Somers rec­om­mends get­ting on­line.

“That’s how I first found pet play,” he says. “Sites like kit­ of­fer in-depth writ­ten pieces by play­ers, links to re­sources and fo­rums where peo­ple like CATS can ed­u­cate them­selves. Other sites like FetLife or Face­book pro­vide more pri­vate groups to ‘meet’ oth­ers, ask more in depth ques­tions, find lo­cal get-to­geth­ers and make friends to so­cial­ize with. Or if they pre­fer video con­tent, YouTube has a num­ber of cre­ators (like ‘Scream Kiwi’) who talk about their kinks in a fun, ed­u­ca­tional and per­sonal way. And once CATS feels com­fort­able in their own iden­tity and has de­fined what they want out of this play, they will be able to re­ally com­mu­ni­cate to their part­ner(s) what they’re into and what they want out of kit­ten play.”

QI’m a gay male, and one of my good friends has put me in a strange po­si­tion. The friend has been mar­ried to his hus­band for 15 years, and they are al­lowed to “play.” I have no de­sire to be in an open re­la­tion­ship, and I don’t think my boyfriend does ei­ther. I oc­ca­sion­ally go over to this friend’s house right af­ter work to buy weed, and he’s al­ways alone when I come by. He joked about an­swer­ing the door naked and then did it. (He told me he was go­ing to, but I hon­estly didn’t think he would do it.) I was ex­tremely un­com­fort­able, and he knew it. The last time I went over, he was naked again—and this time, he jerked off to com­ple­tion in front of me. He asked me to join in, and I told him I couldn’t be­cause I hadn’t dis­cussed any­thing like this with my boyfriend. I’m sup­posed to go over again to­mor­row, and he asked me to come by early be­cause his hus­band would be get­ting home from work early that day. This leads me to be­lieve that the hus­band would not be OK with this. I haven’t said any­thing to his hus­band or my boyfriend be­cause I don’t want this to be­come a huge mess and I hoped my pal­pa­ble dis­com­fort would put an end to it. Any thoughts on how I should han­dle this nicely to make it stop with­out hurt­ing his feel­ings? A Your “good friend” is an ass­hole, UNFRIEND. He’s vi­o­lat­ing a whole bunch of so­cial norms—chiefly the don’t- jerk- offto- com­ple­tion- in- front- of- other- peo­ple­with­out- their- en­thu­si­as­tic- con­sent norm (AKA the Louis C.K. Ca­reer in Comedy Me­mo­rial Norm)—and re­ly­ing on your ad­her­ence to other so­cial norms (avoid be­ing rude, defuse don’t con­front, spare oth­ers’ feel­ings) to get away with vi­o­lat­ing you as well. This ass­hole is sex­u­ally ha­rass­ing you, and you haven’t told him to stop in un­am­bigu­ous lan­guage.

The only rea­son you’ve given him for not whipping it out your­self is that you haven’t “dis­cussed any­thing like this with [your] boyfriend.” He has self-serv­ingly in­ter­preted your rea­son for not join­ing in like this: “He wants to, and maybe he will af­ter he has a ‘dis­cus­sion’ with his boyfriend.” I’m sorry, UNFRIEND, but you’re go­ing to have to be blunt: “You have to knock this shit off. It’s dis­re­spect­ful, it’s non­con­sen­sual and it’s piss­ing me off.” Don’t worry about hurt­ing his feel­ings—he ob­vi­ously doesn’t care about your feel­ings—and find a new weed dealer.

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