Not sure what to do about feel­ings for your co-worker? Ask El­lie

The Daily Courier - - FRONT PAGE - EL­LIE TESHER

QUES­TION: My male co-worker of sev­eral years and I hit it off right away.

He started work­ing with me six months be­fore I started dat­ing my now-hus­band. He had a girl­friend (now his wife).

Dur­ing the brief pe­riod that I was still sin­gle, he made flir­ta­tious com­ments to me.

I was too ner­vous or im­ma­ture and walked away then. He never told me his feel­ings out­right.

Five years later, I’ve re­al­ized I’ve had feel­ings for him all along.

I see him oc­ca­sion­ally out­side of work and we al­ways have the most amaz­ing time.

I still love my hus­band, but I des­per­ately want to tell my friend I still have feel­ings for him five years later.

I also want him to tell me the same.

I don’t want to break up my mar­riage. What should I do?

— Five-Year Se­cret

AN­SWER: In­stead of try­ing to light a fuse, put this bomb aside and look at your mar­riage.

Lots of mar­ried peo­ple have some fan­tasies that turn them on — e.g. the flirty guy at work — but they don’t all have af­fairs.

Yet, that’s ex­actly where ask­ing about “feel­ings” can take you.

What fol­lows is dis­cov­ery by your hus­band, his pain, your hu­mil­i­a­tion and pos­si­bly a break-up.

That’s not what you want, if you truly love him.

But you may need more in your re­la­tion­ship — of ap­pre­ci­a­tion, af­fec­tion, sex, laugh­ter. Work on mak­ing those things hap­pen be­fore you risk not hav­ing a chance to try.

Ask noth­ing about your co­worker’s feel­ings. See him less out­side of work. It’s great to get along well. Not so great to break up his fam­ily ei­ther.

Be­sides, if he doesn’t have feel­ings for you, it’ll be mor­ti­fy­ing to have asked.

FEED­BACK: Fur­ther to the mid­dle-aged sis­ter who’s be­ing ex­cluded from her oth­ers sis­ters’ gath­er­ings:

Reader: Get to a good coun­sel­lor and work on the is­sues that you are hav­ing with it all. Yes, they are ex­clud­ing you. The rea­sons why don’t matter. How you deal with it does.

Work hard on let­ting it go. It’s their prob­lem. Your prob­lem is to get over it and move on.

Email el­lie@thes­tar.ca.

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