Not sure what to do about feelings for your co-worker? Ask Ellie
QUESTION: My male co-worker of several years and I hit it off right away.
He started working with me six months before I started dating my now-husband. He had a girlfriend (now his wife).
During the brief period that I was still single, he made flirtatious comments to me.
I was too nervous or immature and walked away then. He never told me his feelings outright.
Five years later, I’ve realized I’ve had feelings for him all along.
I see him occasionally outside of work and we always have the most amazing time.
I still love my husband, but I desperately want to tell my friend I still have feelings for him five years later.
I also want him to tell me the same.
I don’t want to break up my marriage. What should I do?
— Five-Year Secret
ANSWER: Instead of trying to light a fuse, put this bomb aside and look at your marriage.
Lots of married people have some fantasies that turn them on — e.g. the flirty guy at work — but they don’t all have affairs.
Yet, that’s exactly where asking about “feelings” can take you.
What follows is discovery by your husband, his pain, your humiliation and possibly a break-up.
That’s not what you want, if you truly love him.
But you may need more in your relationship — of appreciation, affection, sex, laughter. Work on making those things happen before you risk not having a chance to try.
Ask nothing about your coworker’s feelings. See him less outside of work. It’s great to get along well. Not so great to break up his family either.
Besides, if he doesn’t have feelings for you, it’ll be mortifying to have asked.
FEEDBACK: Further to the middle-aged sister who’s being excluded from her others sisters’ gatherings:
Reader: Get to a good counsellor and work on the issues that you are having with it all. Yes, they are excluding you. The reasons why don’t matter. How you deal with it does.
Work hard on letting it go. It’s their problem. Your problem is to get over it and move on.