Daily pot use has wife is­su­ing third strike

The Daily Observer - - LIFE - AMY DICK­IN­SON Email: askamy@tri­bune.com Twit­ter: @ask­ingamy

Dear Amy: My hus­band and I have been mar­ried for more than two years. When we first started dat­ing, I knew he smoked mar­i­juana daily.

I slowly grew frus­trated be­ing with some­one who is out of it and un­re­spon­sive. I de­cided to break it off.

He then de­cided (without my sug­ges­tion) that he would stop smok­ing.

There were many times where I was sus­pi­cious that he was smok­ing again. He had blood­shot eyes, smelled of it, would run er­rands that took hours to com­plete, etc., but I just pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to be happy.

Shortly af­ter we got mar­ried I caught him smok­ing with a friend, when he had told me he was some­where else. I felt so dis­ap­pointed. . But — I for­gave him.

Amy, I don’t care if peo­ple want to smoke weed, but it is some­thing I didn’t want in a hus­band or the fu­ture fa­ther of my chil­dren.

Last night I was clean­ing his car when I found weed hid­den un­der­neath the floor mat. I also found eye drops and a lighter.

We talked about it and he told me that he feels like weed helps him. He be­lieves it has heal­ing pow­ers (he has no med­i­cal is­sues). He doesn’t want to stop.

I was very clear about my views from the start of our re­la­tion­ship. It isn’t fair that he lied to me for so long.

I told him I wanted a di­vorce be­cause I could no longer trust him. He said I was crazy for be­ing will­ing to throw ev­ery­thing away over a lit­tle weed.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like it isn’t even about the weed now, it’s about the be­trayal, lies, and the in­ten­tional hid­ing.

Am I crazy for want­ing a di­vorce over weed?


Dear Dis­ap­pointed: I gather from where your hus­band’s stash was lo­cated that pot is il­le­gal in your state. If so, it is rea­son­able to ask and ex­pect your spouse not to en­gage in il­le­gal ac­tiv­ity.

But if pot were le­gal where you live, would you find it ac­cept­able if he used it oc­ca­sion­ally? And, im­por­tantly, would he be able to use it only oc­ca­sion­ally?

His habit of hid­ing this from you might have trig­gered some bing­ing be­hav­ior. Would he be able to use pot the way some of us have a glass of wine with a meal, and en­joy it without get­ting stoned?

Peo­ple who use weed and get baked will deny how ob­nox­ious and bor­ing they can be, and how big an im­pact it has on their lives and re­la­tion­ships. It is no fun to try to have a life with some­one who is un­avail­able, un­re­li­able, im­paired, and zoned out.

Your hus­band broke a vow he had made to you, and then he lied about it. If you look down the road and see noth­ing but more of this, then yes, you should prob­a­bly leave. This is your ver­sion of: “Three strikes, I’m out.”

Dear Amy: I have a friend whose wife died six years ago.

He fre­quently brings up his wife on his Face­book post­ings, and his wife con­tin­ues to “re­spond” to his post­ings and post po­etry on her web­site.

At what point does one stop re­spond­ing ? Or does one?

He is ap­par­ently in coun­sel­ing. Any sug­ges­tions?


Dear Friends: I don’t see any­thing amiss with bring­ing up one’s late spouse on Face­book. Do­ing so is like men­tion­ing her name in con­ver­sa­tion.

It sounds as if he has set up a “memorial page” and is post­ing and shar­ing from that page. If he is post­ing things she wrote dur­ing her life­time, I think that sounds like a great idea. If he is re­spond­ing in her per­sona, that’s a lit­tle more trou­bling.

The beauty of Face­book is that you don’t ever have to “like,” comment, re­spond, or even look at any­thing that floats by on your Face­book stream. The fewer clicks and likes he re­ceives, the less trac­tion these posts will get.

I hope you will reach out in real life to talk to and spend time with this man. A grief sup­port group might be help­ful.

Dear Amy: You asked for feed­back from peo­ple on how they divide the job of clean­ing the dirty dishes in their house­hold.

Like you, our rule is, “if you cooked, you don’t have to do the dishes.”

We think of this as a fair di­vi­sion of la­bor.


Dear Happy: I like this bal­ance, too. Many of us would much rather clean than cook.

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